It is the scariest thing in the world to know you have everything you could ever want. Because one day, something will go away; something will come; something will change.
I never quite know what to say when my daughter cheers at the sight of the ambulance or the fire truck. DO NOT mistake me: these emergency responders are heroes. But their presence leads me to believe the obvious: someone is in trouble. And I am fully aware that my blessings are so great that I should only expect that one day, a call to me will be made to say that that ambulance is helping someone important to me.
And why is it that I have an uncomfortable tickle in my gut whenever Tim is 10 minutes late? I am not a worry wart. But I do, to some extent, prepare myself for something that only seems natural for someone who has everything anyone could want: loss. It makes sense: if your sum total is 100, and that is the maximum sum possible, the only direction is down - a loss.
For the most part, it keeps me grounded, humble and responsive. This feeling reminds me to allow Kenzie to shove in every single caloric French fry in my mouth, at the expense of my hip measurement. It encourages me to spend 30 minutes putting Samara to bed when it is really only a ten minute process. This feeling tells me that I have everything; be not only thankful, but prepared.
And there is nothing more to say. No conclusion; no solution. I know God will only give me as much as I can handle and I truly do not know how I will handle the loss that is inevitable. Images flash of the cries that will tear my body apart upon the loss of my husband, children, parents or sisters. And I suppose the loss that occurs in only the natural way - death brought on by age - will maybe be less painful but the pain will still be there: ripe and raw.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Rounding the corner... of the octagon
I'm happy to be posting this. I feel as if I've made some really good strides in the scheme of this thing... I mean, I've contacted 10 states and the U.S. Dept. of Ed. for interviews - seven of those folks got back to me within one week, which I consider amazing. While I had a difference of opinion with my Chair, I persisted in the avenue I felt would benefit me best, he conceded, and I moved forward with a consent process. And I finalized a draft of my case study which I had revised significantly in response to my Chair's feedback.
It could all fall through; it could all just fall apart. Some states may not respond, may not call me back or may not provide useful data. That would be the best case scenario in thinking of how things could go wrong. I may not be approved to do these interviews. While not entirely the worst thing in the world, it will result in a lot of paperwork and time consumption. Not entirely what I want to do. And I could find out that I completely misunderstood my Chair's feedback and he might just throw my case study back in my face. As long as the feedback is constructive, I don't really mind, I suppose.
In the end, I've rounded a corner. If I were taking a walk around the block, I'd say I'd be halfway there... But there are a lot of corners to the dissertation process. You have to pass 2 72-hour exams, which I did so long ago I don't remember when - pre-children, I'll put it that way. You have to select a worthy topic. That's a HARD one (and the one I struggled with most and sort of regret not reconsidering at this point but oh well) You have to write the proposal; then you must defend the proposal.
That was me as of January 2012. I'd taken four turns around the corner. Four steps forward. And then I sort of stalled; for a year and a half, minus a couple of months of work that in the end I had to throw out (for various reasons).
To get started again I had to sort of retrace my steps around those initial corners to even know what I was doing. That took some time. And ever since I've been trying to collect data. I've been trying to solidify the format and direction of my case studies. I've been working on interview questions
And those attempts have turned into concrete products that I've recently pushed out to other people for their feedback and opinion. This is big. This is good.
I have a long way yet to go - many more corners to turn in the octagonal boxing ring which encompasses the fight of my life. I have to complete 9 more case studies MUCH MUCH more quickly if I'm to graduate in May. I've got to conduct 11 interviews, write them up and incorporate them into my case studies. I have to analyze the results of the case studies as they relate to my research questions. I must revise my Lit Review and then write my Methodology, Intro and Conclusion; and then I must edit.
Anyways, I'm happy. I've done a lot with a long way to go. And I don't mind.
It could all fall through; it could all just fall apart. Some states may not respond, may not call me back or may not provide useful data. That would be the best case scenario in thinking of how things could go wrong. I may not be approved to do these interviews. While not entirely the worst thing in the world, it will result in a lot of paperwork and time consumption. Not entirely what I want to do. And I could find out that I completely misunderstood my Chair's feedback and he might just throw my case study back in my face. As long as the feedback is constructive, I don't really mind, I suppose.
In the end, I've rounded a corner. If I were taking a walk around the block, I'd say I'd be halfway there... But there are a lot of corners to the dissertation process. You have to pass 2 72-hour exams, which I did so long ago I don't remember when - pre-children, I'll put it that way. You have to select a worthy topic. That's a HARD one (and the one I struggled with most and sort of regret not reconsidering at this point but oh well) You have to write the proposal; then you must defend the proposal.
That was me as of January 2012. I'd taken four turns around the corner. Four steps forward. And then I sort of stalled; for a year and a half, minus a couple of months of work that in the end I had to throw out (for various reasons).
To get started again I had to sort of retrace my steps around those initial corners to even know what I was doing. That took some time. And ever since I've been trying to collect data. I've been trying to solidify the format and direction of my case studies. I've been working on interview questions
And those attempts have turned into concrete products that I've recently pushed out to other people for their feedback and opinion. This is big. This is good.
I have a long way yet to go - many more corners to turn in the octagonal boxing ring which encompasses the fight of my life. I have to complete 9 more case studies MUCH MUCH more quickly if I'm to graduate in May. I've got to conduct 11 interviews, write them up and incorporate them into my case studies. I have to analyze the results of the case studies as they relate to my research questions. I must revise my Lit Review and then write my Methodology, Intro and Conclusion; and then I must edit.
Anyways, I'm happy. I've done a lot with a long way to go. And I don't mind.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
WMDD
Nope, not a radio station, although arguably those of us trying to muster through our dissertations could really use some 24-7 inspiration.
Similar to WWJD and LMFAO, OMG and BRB (the list could go on) this acronym best captures the phrase I utter at least once per day and think at least fifty times more.
Drum roll... "When My Dissertation's Done." Said often, thought SO much!
And while I say it often, I usually fail to consider how those on the receiving end of the comment feel. But last night, an honest friend gave me a glimpse. "You know, you really need to get this thing done. How often are you going to say that?"
I laughed - because I prefer honesty and I too say the same thing to myself all the time. How often do you say "after?" I suppose I could say, "HODYSA?"
And the timeline. Oh the ever-changing timeline and deadline and tasks to be done and... this that and the other... The sicknesses and work-tasks, the milestones and the desire to do that which is just "every day."
It's a whirlwind to me so I can't expect anyone else to understand. And while I don't expect everyone to care enough to understand the intricate details of my day-to-day struggles and accomplishments, I promise you those who care about my general progress and well-being are those I'll keep close to me. And for those who wonder when the hell I'll finish this and can't wait around to find out, that's fine. Just like law school, I'll learn who my friends are.
And I try hard not to talk about it too much - God forbid. But if the conversation is about "when" something will happen, what do you expect my answer to be?
This is an extraordinarily long process that I debate having ever started but will muster through to the end. You may join me, if you'd like, I'll be there, I promise - WMDD. :-)
Similar to WWJD and LMFAO, OMG and BRB (the list could go on) this acronym best captures the phrase I utter at least once per day and think at least fifty times more.
Drum roll... "When My Dissertation's Done." Said often, thought SO much!
And while I say it often, I usually fail to consider how those on the receiving end of the comment feel. But last night, an honest friend gave me a glimpse. "You know, you really need to get this thing done. How often are you going to say that?"
I laughed - because I prefer honesty and I too say the same thing to myself all the time. How often do you say "after?" I suppose I could say, "HODYSA?"
And the timeline. Oh the ever-changing timeline and deadline and tasks to be done and... this that and the other... The sicknesses and work-tasks, the milestones and the desire to do that which is just "every day."
It's a whirlwind to me so I can't expect anyone else to understand. And while I don't expect everyone to care enough to understand the intricate details of my day-to-day struggles and accomplishments, I promise you those who care about my general progress and well-being are those I'll keep close to me. And for those who wonder when the hell I'll finish this and can't wait around to find out, that's fine. Just like law school, I'll learn who my friends are.
And I try hard not to talk about it too much - God forbid. But if the conversation is about "when" something will happen, what do you expect my answer to be?
This is an extraordinarily long process that I debate having ever started but will muster through to the end. You may join me, if you'd like, I'll be there, I promise - WMDD. :-)
Monday, November 4, 2013
I blame Sesame Street
It's time for a blog post - been a while - and I have no idea where to start. I have not entirely much to add to the world of readership and bloggerhood. I have plenty of whines and cries, aches and sorrows - "boo hoo, Leigh. The world is falling apart in so many ways and you're worried about how you can add to the scholarly world by writing a piece of crap that means nothing to very few people."
And while this entire process is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do in life - something that has not come to me through luck, persistence or skill - it isn't really that hard. I mean, the endeavor in and of itself: the dissertation document. I've been smart enough [note cynicism] to add the difficulty along the way. And I have a great family, a wonderful life, a job I love, plenty of things to live for, a community around me I am eager to help - but it won't really be mine to have and enjoy until I get this damned thing done.
Lately I just don't care. I could add any sweet molasses (which I hate) way of looking at this as I want, and it doesn't get me downstairs to my computer. I'll tell you the number one culprit - Sesame Street. For the life I me, I cannot stay awake through an entire episode. It's my NyQuil, my drug, my excuse. I snooze through that show, starting right around Abby's Flying Fairy School, which usually excuses me from bedtime tuck-ins with the girls because I'm snoring on the coach. I wake up around 8:30pm and I transfer myself from couch to bed and that's that.
I am contrary right now - have been for 2 weeks when it comes to working on my dissertation on week nights. This means I refuse to glean any sort of lesson or take away point from this. I'm mad, angry. I think I have to try early morning wake-ups again, which means NO running for me... another thing that irks me. But again, the world is falling apart. It is the least I could do to shut up and deal with it. The least I could do is stop using Sesame Street as an excuse.
And while this entire process is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do in life - something that has not come to me through luck, persistence or skill - it isn't really that hard. I mean, the endeavor in and of itself: the dissertation document. I've been smart enough [note cynicism] to add the difficulty along the way. And I have a great family, a wonderful life, a job I love, plenty of things to live for, a community around me I am eager to help - but it won't really be mine to have and enjoy until I get this damned thing done.
Lately I just don't care. I could add any sweet molasses (which I hate) way of looking at this as I want, and it doesn't get me downstairs to my computer. I'll tell you the number one culprit - Sesame Street. For the life I me, I cannot stay awake through an entire episode. It's my NyQuil, my drug, my excuse. I snooze through that show, starting right around Abby's Flying Fairy School, which usually excuses me from bedtime tuck-ins with the girls because I'm snoring on the coach. I wake up around 8:30pm and I transfer myself from couch to bed and that's that.
I am contrary right now - have been for 2 weeks when it comes to working on my dissertation on week nights. This means I refuse to glean any sort of lesson or take away point from this. I'm mad, angry. I think I have to try early morning wake-ups again, which means NO running for me... another thing that irks me. But again, the world is falling apart. It is the least I could do to shut up and deal with it. The least I could do is stop using Sesame Street as an excuse.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Deadlines come and go
Here it is - October 15th. Anyone remember? Yup, Day 75 since I shifted the focus of this blog to be dissertation completion. For the record, if I WERE doing only four states for my sample, and not ten, I'd be RIGHT on track. And that statistic, right there, keeps me going.
I've made it back to the gym. And boy does it feel good. Guess who my opponent is, as I upper cut, hook, jab, and roundhouse? The "DISS" generally, sometimes the frustration at my Chair, sometimes my frustration with my procrastination, a lot of the times the anger at "getting myself into this." There is nothing like a sweaty interlude with the gym at 4:15am.
Finding the right method to keep me motivated and on task is a struggle for me. Frankly, that SHOULD be the description of a dissertation - the struggle through the process. Getting through the Bar Exam is likened to "hazing" because it is intense and quick and hardly tests you on knowledge you learned in school but is more about how you handle the pressure of information recall. "Getting through the dissertation" with a family in your back pocket while working full time is just a cruel joke.
Anyways, I've created a syllabus for my Case Study Section of my dissertation writing. I have given myself a rather strict 5-week schedule in which to complete this work. I feel it is an appropriate method - not too long term but not crash and burn. Once complete, I will focus on my interview section, my analysis chapters, methodology and then - lo and behold - the revising the literature review and other already completed parts from my proposal.
So, here's to hoping that by Sunday, November 17th (give or take a week) I complete my Case Study Section, roughly. The interview sections will have to be incorporated, but having the crux of the work done will be a great relief.
I've made it back to the gym. And boy does it feel good. Guess who my opponent is, as I upper cut, hook, jab, and roundhouse? The "DISS" generally, sometimes the frustration at my Chair, sometimes my frustration with my procrastination, a lot of the times the anger at "getting myself into this." There is nothing like a sweaty interlude with the gym at 4:15am.
Finding the right method to keep me motivated and on task is a struggle for me. Frankly, that SHOULD be the description of a dissertation - the struggle through the process. Getting through the Bar Exam is likened to "hazing" because it is intense and quick and hardly tests you on knowledge you learned in school but is more about how you handle the pressure of information recall. "Getting through the dissertation" with a family in your back pocket while working full time is just a cruel joke.
Anyways, I've created a syllabus for my Case Study Section of my dissertation writing. I have given myself a rather strict 5-week schedule in which to complete this work. I feel it is an appropriate method - not too long term but not crash and burn. Once complete, I will focus on my interview section, my analysis chapters, methodology and then - lo and behold - the revising the literature review and other already completed parts from my proposal.
So, here's to hoping that by Sunday, November 17th (give or take a week) I complete my Case Study Section, roughly. The interview sections will have to be incorporated, but having the crux of the work done will be a great relief.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Loan Deferral
Quite honestly one of the very few benefits I can muster from the prolonged process of dissertation writing is that I do not have to pay back the loans... right away. Loan deferment. A BIG ELLIPSES. That's the only perk I can find. And really, that is a bittersweet sentiment at most since I don't LIKE the idea of accumulating debt.
This weekend is devoted to Dissertation House - this program offers a lot for students working to complete their dissertations, but for the purposes of this blog, it is about these students dissecting their lives, finding areas they need to improve in order to make time, and in the end: committing to their dissertations.
I recently thought I had developed a medical issue. I am unable to really explain this occurrence in too much detail but let's just say, these past few days I was able to examine my life as if I had a chance to do some things all over again. It scared the crap out of me because of all the time that would be lost, all the things I would have to re-do, buy, etc. On the flip side of the coin, I realized how many new opportunities I would have, how many things missed in the passed that I would be able to embrace and enjoy.
But it was a false alarm; a scare; a loss: bittersweet, done. Closed chapter.
And it got me thinking. It made me think about what I have. What I am PAYING for as I do this dissertation. I've written on this before, it's nothing new - all the time I miss; all the things I give up. But I suppose it's good to make wounds fresh to hurt us and to remind us what is really at stake.
Promptly after this feeling, I could not GET to Mackenzie fast enough. I had seen her for one half of one hour today - that was it. Nothing more. And the truth is that I see her less than 3 hours each weekday. Of course it's 11pm at night. She's not awake. I can't see her smile or hear her laugh. But I can watch her breathe and pray; pray hard; pray long - for her, for me, for us.
When I started this graduate school endeavor in 2004, my calculations on what I would miss included lost time to dance, lost time to exercise, lost time to walk the dogs, lost time with Tim, lost sleep. Tim and I got married and Tim moved much higher up on the list. Samara came along and she joined him... remember though, I'm still trying to get work done amidst this. I sort of always thought I'd have my next kid with more time on my hands but it didn't happen that way, and that's fine. I have always been able to objectively analyze how I spend my time and why. And that is a good thing or else I'd have quit a long time ago.
But tonight was emotional. Tonight was an urgency of time lost, time I will miss, time gone forever. I could feel Mackenzie pulling at my heartstrings as I absorbed my mind's image of her slumber. And while fairness has nothing to do with it, it isn't fair, and I'm tired, and I'm done with this, but I did this, and it was my choice, and it is my fault, and
it
won't
be
over
until
I
make
it
over.
This weekend is devoted to Dissertation House - this program offers a lot for students working to complete their dissertations, but for the purposes of this blog, it is about these students dissecting their lives, finding areas they need to improve in order to make time, and in the end: committing to their dissertations.
I recently thought I had developed a medical issue. I am unable to really explain this occurrence in too much detail but let's just say, these past few days I was able to examine my life as if I had a chance to do some things all over again. It scared the crap out of me because of all the time that would be lost, all the things I would have to re-do, buy, etc. On the flip side of the coin, I realized how many new opportunities I would have, how many things missed in the passed that I would be able to embrace and enjoy.
But it was a false alarm; a scare; a loss: bittersweet, done. Closed chapter.
And it got me thinking. It made me think about what I have. What I am PAYING for as I do this dissertation. I've written on this before, it's nothing new - all the time I miss; all the things I give up. But I suppose it's good to make wounds fresh to hurt us and to remind us what is really at stake.
Promptly after this feeling, I could not GET to Mackenzie fast enough. I had seen her for one half of one hour today - that was it. Nothing more. And the truth is that I see her less than 3 hours each weekday. Of course it's 11pm at night. She's not awake. I can't see her smile or hear her laugh. But I can watch her breathe and pray; pray hard; pray long - for her, for me, for us.
When I started this graduate school endeavor in 2004, my calculations on what I would miss included lost time to dance, lost time to exercise, lost time to walk the dogs, lost time with Tim, lost sleep. Tim and I got married and Tim moved much higher up on the list. Samara came along and she joined him... remember though, I'm still trying to get work done amidst this. I sort of always thought I'd have my next kid with more time on my hands but it didn't happen that way, and that's fine. I have always been able to objectively analyze how I spend my time and why. And that is a good thing or else I'd have quit a long time ago.
But tonight was emotional. Tonight was an urgency of time lost, time I will miss, time gone forever. I could feel Mackenzie pulling at my heartstrings as I absorbed my mind's image of her slumber. And while fairness has nothing to do with it, it isn't fair, and I'm tired, and I'm done with this, but I did this, and it was my choice, and it is my fault, and
it
won't
be
over
until
I
make
it
over.
Monday, September 30, 2013
The Ole Ball n' Chain
I knew this would happen - I knew the honeymoon would end. I had been sort of floating on this belief/desire to finish and having a more immediate deadline kept it fresh and relevant to me. But I also had a new routine (new job), new things to get used to: and for me, that means new energy. Simultaneously I needed to create a consistent schedule; input some structure. And while I'm sure I'm not the only one, I feel sort of ridiculous for how often I chide myself for being so inconsistent, so wishy washy, so needy but so unwilling to ask for help... I mean, who would I ask for help anyways? At this point, I have all the structures and supports in place, it is the damned writing that needs to be done.
I am an extremist - I am either wide awake or dozing off; exercising every day or taking a one-month (or more) sabbatical; up early and to bed late or up late and to bed early. And in this case: writing every day or not at all. I've fallen into a not at all. Which is killer. Killer. I no longer hate my dissertation. I've come to terms with it in that I need to finish it and it will get done but somehow those cheers last until about 8:30pm when I "conveniently" find other tasks -no joke; seriously- just as important but tasks I might have gotten done at other points of the day.
And the extremist in me knew that the moment I conceded that I could not get this done in my 75 day challenge - the minutes after typing that I couldn't meet my 2013 challenge - the seconds after I decided working out would be allowable in my schedule... that I would lose focus; that my social calendar would fill up (whose doesn't during the holidays - sheesh, it is crazy!); that my dissertation would - once again - be an ole ball n' chain that I drag around constantly reminding me of what I've not yet done, and smothering me with guilt every day I fail to write.
Luckily, I joined a PhD forum that promotes a week of accountability each month. There is just enough "spice" to it that it is something new that gets me going, but it is also a constant, monthly event that I can plan. http://www.phdforum.co.uk/ in case anyone would like to see what it's about. So, I got done tonight what I should have gotten done about a week ago, but I won't let that derail me. I will work throughout this week - day by day - and will take it for what it's worth. Life is a constant struggle and this dissertation lends me no release to such a theory.
I am an extremist - I am either wide awake or dozing off; exercising every day or taking a one-month (or more) sabbatical; up early and to bed late or up late and to bed early. And in this case: writing every day or not at all. I've fallen into a not at all. Which is killer. Killer. I no longer hate my dissertation. I've come to terms with it in that I need to finish it and it will get done but somehow those cheers last until about 8:30pm when I "conveniently" find other tasks -no joke; seriously- just as important but tasks I might have gotten done at other points of the day.
And the extremist in me knew that the moment I conceded that I could not get this done in my 75 day challenge - the minutes after typing that I couldn't meet my 2013 challenge - the seconds after I decided working out would be allowable in my schedule... that I would lose focus; that my social calendar would fill up (whose doesn't during the holidays - sheesh, it is crazy!); that my dissertation would - once again - be an ole ball n' chain that I drag around constantly reminding me of what I've not yet done, and smothering me with guilt every day I fail to write.
Luckily, I joined a PhD forum that promotes a week of accountability each month. There is just enough "spice" to it that it is something new that gets me going, but it is also a constant, monthly event that I can plan. http://www.phdforum.co.uk/ in case anyone would like to see what it's about. So, I got done tonight what I should have gotten done about a week ago, but I won't let that derail me. I will work throughout this week - day by day - and will take it for what it's worth. Life is a constant struggle and this dissertation lends me no release to such a theory.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
The Reality
In a completely NON-pessimistic way I just need to report that this day is just not going well... And because every minute on a Saturday impacts my dissertation timeline, I am realizing I may not meet my deadline.
I am one hour's worth of work away from submitting my 1st case study. Yet for some reason I feel compelled to write this first... And, technically this is my 3rd case study but various changes in thoughts/processes, etc. have required me to "throw out" the first 2. I now have 9 more to complete. If I were to take as long with the next nine as this most recent one took me, it'd take me 9 months just to do the case studies and those are my synthesized materials from which I write my results so I still have at least 6 or 7 chapters to write after that...
And as each day has passed a new work deadline, a flat tire, or my allowing Tim some "Tim-time" has come up and I can't meet my quota for the day. The more I work on this, however, I realize more elements to the research are needed which will take longer. And with such a tight timeline I just shrug it off and say, "I'll make it happen some way."
How is "it" supposed to happen if I can't even get what is scheduled to happen? You should see the "proposed schedule" I have for meeting my deadline. Work on it 4am to 6am and then 8:30pm to 11:30pm. Now, I will say, I've been lucky to commit to at least one of these time frames on a daily basis about 99% of the time, but my timeline has relied on meeting BOTH of these time frames, which is just ridiculous. Worse, I fear that as the gap in my actual progress to my proposed progress increases I'll lose my faith in the process.
And it is exactly this "faith" in the process that I've had for the past 3 months. I have done SO much in the past 3 months to move this thing forward... Spiritually, mentally and physically I have made some real changes in my life. Wonderful ones, really. Outgrowth of blessings.
In the end, my secondary deadline of finishing before my birthday will not happen with the expansion of my case studies from 4 in number to 10. I have a much simpler plan in mind that I need to hash out. This schedule will by no means take the urgency out of my completion but it will be more realistic.
I am one hour's worth of work away from submitting my 1st case study. Yet for some reason I feel compelled to write this first... And, technically this is my 3rd case study but various changes in thoughts/processes, etc. have required me to "throw out" the first 2. I now have 9 more to complete. If I were to take as long with the next nine as this most recent one took me, it'd take me 9 months just to do the case studies and those are my synthesized materials from which I write my results so I still have at least 6 or 7 chapters to write after that...
And as each day has passed a new work deadline, a flat tire, or my allowing Tim some "Tim-time" has come up and I can't meet my quota for the day. The more I work on this, however, I realize more elements to the research are needed which will take longer. And with such a tight timeline I just shrug it off and say, "I'll make it happen some way."
How is "it" supposed to happen if I can't even get what is scheduled to happen? You should see the "proposed schedule" I have for meeting my deadline. Work on it 4am to 6am and then 8:30pm to 11:30pm. Now, I will say, I've been lucky to commit to at least one of these time frames on a daily basis about 99% of the time, but my timeline has relied on meeting BOTH of these time frames, which is just ridiculous. Worse, I fear that as the gap in my actual progress to my proposed progress increases I'll lose my faith in the process.
And it is exactly this "faith" in the process that I've had for the past 3 months. I have done SO much in the past 3 months to move this thing forward... Spiritually, mentally and physically I have made some real changes in my life. Wonderful ones, really. Outgrowth of blessings.
In the end, my secondary deadline of finishing before my birthday will not happen with the expansion of my case studies from 4 in number to 10. I have a much simpler plan in mind that I need to hash out. This schedule will by no means take the urgency out of my completion but it will be more realistic.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Concession
A while back - pre dissertation-blogging-days but since I have had this blog - I posted about enjoying the processes of things. I believe it was related to my learning to like running. I still remember the particular run, the thoughts running through my head (pun unrealized until I re-read this) and the epiphany I had.
Unlike that experience, this is much less of an epiphany and more of a concession. It can no longer be an epiphany if I know what it is I'm about to realize. I instead slowly admit that all along I've known the answer but have refused to see it.
"So," you ask, "what the hell are you talking about, Leigh?"
I'll get to that. Hold on.
About every day for the past... 5 years (since I've passed the Bar Exam) I've thought about how I cannot wait until I finish this dissertation but simultaneously (this feeling about the time I found out I was pregnant with Samara - 8-1-09) wanting to live every moment as fully as possible. This is probably the most antagonizing feeling to have to grapple with every day.
The simplest solution, the one I have always known and the one to which I am realizing I must concede, is that I must ACTUALLY want to live the moments of my dissertation as fully as possible. I have, quite literally, tried praying my way through this research. And while I'm certain there is no Biblical scripture telling me one way or the other that dissertations are not worthy of prayers, something tells me the more I pray to God to get OUT of this process, the more He embeds me in it. And in this sense I concede not only to love the longest most intimidating process I've ever encountered, but I concede that I am growing and learning more than the subject-matter of my research.
To illustrate my stubbornness, here is my dessert list - my list of how much I wish this thing were over...
43. Put up a new basketball hoop.
42. Go on more walks.
41. Go skiing
40. Go camping
39. Consider consolidating my email inboxes so that don't have seven (no joke) seven accounts to check
38. Clean out my email inboxes
37. Organize a Christmas visit to NYC with mom, sis and the cousins
36. Go to Philly once a month to take master classes for the day
35. Institute a routine of bringing artwork to assisted living home
34. Donate
33. Visit my newphew/Godson MUCH more often!
32. Sleep in, maybe?
31. Go to Opera Night at Sotto Sopra
30. Set up dates with my friends from Baltimore that I miss
29. Work longer at work so that I can be my best
28. Institute daily meditation time
27. Join York Road Runners Club
26. Run with Kazi as much as possible.
25. Try cross fit
24. Go to the playground and hang with the girls for as long as they want without having anything in the back of my mind.
23. Watch the movies and shows I have saved on the DVR.
22. Take piano lessons with Mari.
21. Pay attention to what GoodReads actually is because I think I would actually like it.
Unlike that experience, this is much less of an epiphany and more of a concession. It can no longer be an epiphany if I know what it is I'm about to realize. I instead slowly admit that all along I've known the answer but have refused to see it.
"So," you ask, "what the hell are you talking about, Leigh?"
I'll get to that. Hold on.
About every day for the past... 5 years (since I've passed the Bar Exam) I've thought about how I cannot wait until I finish this dissertation but simultaneously (this feeling about the time I found out I was pregnant with Samara - 8-1-09) wanting to live every moment as fully as possible. This is probably the most antagonizing feeling to have to grapple with every day.
The simplest solution, the one I have always known and the one to which I am realizing I must concede, is that I must ACTUALLY want to live the moments of my dissertation as fully as possible. I have, quite literally, tried praying my way through this research. And while I'm certain there is no Biblical scripture telling me one way or the other that dissertations are not worthy of prayers, something tells me the more I pray to God to get OUT of this process, the more He embeds me in it. And in this sense I concede not only to love the longest most intimidating process I've ever encountered, but I concede that I am growing and learning more than the subject-matter of my research.
To illustrate my stubbornness, here is my dessert list - my list of how much I wish this thing were over...
Dessert List
45. Bake!!!
44. Cook!!!
44. Cook!!!
43. Put up a new basketball hoop.
42. Go on more walks.
41. Go skiing
40. Go camping
39. Consider consolidating my email inboxes so that don't have seven (no joke) seven accounts to check
38. Clean out my email inboxes
37. Organize a Christmas visit to NYC with mom, sis and the cousins
36. Go to Philly once a month to take master classes for the day
35. Institute a routine of bringing artwork to assisted living home
34. Donate
33. Visit my newphew/Godson MUCH more often!
32. Sleep in, maybe?
31. Go to Opera Night at Sotto Sopra
30. Set up dates with my friends from Baltimore that I miss
29. Work longer at work so that I can be my best
28. Institute daily meditation time
27. Join York Road Runners Club
26. Run with Kazi as much as possible.
25. Try cross fit
24. Go to the playground and hang with the girls for as long as they want without having anything in the back of my mind.
23. Watch the movies and shows I have saved on the DVR.
22. Take piano lessons with Mari.
21. Pay attention to what GoodReads actually is because I think I would actually like it.
20. Enjoy Fantasy Football to its fullest extent
19. Learn what Candy Crush Saga is and still refuse to play it
18. Convert porch area into an inside-eating area
17. Organize my books
16. Get Federally-barred
15. Okay - don't think I'm crazy - but write to publish. I had a very good idea for a law article today. This will be one I don't pursue right away but I do think I would like it.
14. Email both Z and Mari at least once every other day with my thoughts on them,
us, life, God.
13. Track all of the funny stories I've posted of Samara on Facebook and either email them to her and/or put them in a book for her. (Note: this doesn't include Z because she doesn't talk yet and I hope I finish my diss. before she starts to talk...)
12. In relation to #11, gather all of my user names and passwords and put them in a list somewhere... figuring out where that place will be should be another to-do list item but we'll save it for later.
11. Figure out whether Instagram is worth my time or just another account with a password.
10. Apply as a USDOE Federal Reviewer (not a full time job, or anything. A side-gig)
9. PINTEREST, Baby! That's right, I've never looked KNOWING it is a time-sucker!
8. Clean out the garage
7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls
6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write our wills, guardianship documents, etc.
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish with Mari and Z
Monday, September 9, 2013
WARNING: This is hardly a riveting piece of reading.
Reader beware: This blog post, in particular, truly serves its purpose of acting as a journal for me.
If you've ever put my daughter to bed, and likely most children her age, you know there is a routine. There is an order - hugs and kisses to Daddy, hugs and kisses to Mackenzie, grab any blankets and stuffed animals in the family room, head upstairs, Mari flips the stairway light switch, she walks up the stairs backwards, we turn on the bathroom light, potty time, at the sink she fills up two cups of water - one for swishing, one for spitting, she brushes her teeth, I brush her teeth, she swishes, she drinks, she washes her hands, she applies lotion, I turn off bathroom light, we put on her pull-up and put on pajamas, she grabs a book, we read it together, hugs/kisses/tickles, prayers, I turn on night light, I turn off overhead light, I put on her music, I give her an extra kiss, I turn off the stairway light, and we're done.
Enough, right?
Exhausting, right?
And seriously - don't do any of this out of order. She'll know and then, of course, I'll know (by way of a tantrum).
There is so much comfort in order and routine. And while such type of order is exhausting to me, I thrive on it in order (no pun intended) for me to accomplish my goals. Routine. I hate it but need it. And lately, I've had to break it. If not, I'd not be flexible enough to fit in my tasks to get this diss. done. In other words, I can't type up the section analysis while riding in a car. I CAN read and if I have read all the materials for state 2, then why not read materials for state 3? So that's what I've done. I've gone out of order and in doing so I've gotten a little bit (probably a lot a bit) more completed doing it this way.
A while back I read a great book on getting organized (I'm a facebook fan of hers but can't find her name or the book's name easily at the moment, and don't have enough time to keep looking) Anyways, I learned that for many of us we need to chunk out the time slots of our day and fit in what works best. So, if we have only 15 minutes we can't make pot roast for dinner, but we can make a great soup and salad. If we have 15 minutes we can't clean an entire closet, but we can promise to clean one shoe rack. Same thing: if I have only 15 minutes I won't really be able to get into an analysis section, but I can work on formatting a table, or my table of contents, or read an additional article.
This is hard for me because it breaks out of my mold - okay, it REALLY makes it harder for me to put a check on my checklist, if you want to know the truth. While it seems I can't check off finishing an item as quickly if I splice everything into 15-minute tasks I sort of can because I am finishing MORE things by doing it this way. My recent mini-vacation is a good example. I didn't finish one state. Nope, not one. BUT I continued in one state and got started on two others. By the end of this week, I'll have three states completed which is the same timeline as if I'd done them one at a time. Or maybe not - maybe I'd still be struggling with the same first state...
If you've ever put my daughter to bed, and likely most children her age, you know there is a routine. There is an order - hugs and kisses to Daddy, hugs and kisses to Mackenzie, grab any blankets and stuffed animals in the family room, head upstairs, Mari flips the stairway light switch, she walks up the stairs backwards, we turn on the bathroom light, potty time, at the sink she fills up two cups of water - one for swishing, one for spitting, she brushes her teeth, I brush her teeth, she swishes, she drinks, she washes her hands, she applies lotion, I turn off bathroom light, we put on her pull-up and put on pajamas, she grabs a book, we read it together, hugs/kisses/tickles, prayers, I turn on night light, I turn off overhead light, I put on her music, I give her an extra kiss, I turn off the stairway light, and we're done.
Enough, right?
Exhausting, right?
And seriously - don't do any of this out of order. She'll know and then, of course, I'll know (by way of a tantrum).
There is so much comfort in order and routine. And while such type of order is exhausting to me, I thrive on it in order (no pun intended) for me to accomplish my goals. Routine. I hate it but need it. And lately, I've had to break it. If not, I'd not be flexible enough to fit in my tasks to get this diss. done. In other words, I can't type up the section analysis while riding in a car. I CAN read and if I have read all the materials for state 2, then why not read materials for state 3? So that's what I've done. I've gone out of order and in doing so I've gotten a little bit (probably a lot a bit) more completed doing it this way.
A while back I read a great book on getting organized (I'm a facebook fan of hers but can't find her name or the book's name easily at the moment, and don't have enough time to keep looking) Anyways, I learned that for many of us we need to chunk out the time slots of our day and fit in what works best. So, if we have only 15 minutes we can't make pot roast for dinner, but we can make a great soup and salad. If we have 15 minutes we can't clean an entire closet, but we can promise to clean one shoe rack. Same thing: if I have only 15 minutes I won't really be able to get into an analysis section, but I can work on formatting a table, or my table of contents, or read an additional article.
This is hard for me because it breaks out of my mold - okay, it REALLY makes it harder for me to put a check on my checklist, if you want to know the truth. While it seems I can't check off finishing an item as quickly if I splice everything into 15-minute tasks I sort of can because I am finishing MORE things by doing it this way. My recent mini-vacation is a good example. I didn't finish one state. Nope, not one. BUT I continued in one state and got started on two others. By the end of this week, I'll have three states completed which is the same timeline as if I'd done them one at a time. Or maybe not - maybe I'd still be struggling with the same first state...
Monday, August 26, 2013
Rolling with the Punches
I was sitting at my desk. I shifted my position and my foot tapped my thumb drive. My screen fluttered and the images were gone. I tapped the mouse; I pressed the space bar; I took a deep breath. When it seemed clear the obvious was possible, I checked my settings and computer hard drive options to determine that the computer was no longer reading my data. Nothing - suspicion confirmed. I picked up the phone and called my father. If anyone could walk me through computer trauma, it was he. He advised me on a few tactics, but they were for naught - I'd either tried them already or they were fruitless. His final piece of advice was to send it off to a thumb drive recovery company with the equipment to find the data and save it. So I did. I sent it. Then I waited... And then I had birthday cake. For that was my 33rd birthday - spent in the midst of complete horror at having potentially lost 5 years of data. I blamed no one, I cared not WHY. I just wanted it back. Or else I was done.
So I waited.
And waited.
One week later, a new thumb drive arrived with directions on backups. I was back on track. I looked at my data - so numerous, confusing and WONDERFUL. I promised myself I would NEVER have an academic deadline hanging over my head again. EVER.
I mean - c'mon now, I have a mid-December birthday. From the time of high school, I have always had an exam on, or around, my birthday. I spent my 21st birthday in a sad little Saratoga Springs bar with two friends who were venturing out as a final exam study break. And c'mon now. I've been in school SINCE high school and I'm 33. Let's be real. Time for a change.
It would seem the best change would be a 75-day challenge. Except it is now pretty clear I won't meet it. Long story short, my sample size of case studies has more than doubled. I've gained a bigger burden of a states BUT I have gained peace of mind that I am FINALLY on track with my Chair. That is really worth 6 extra weeks of work as far as I'm concerned.
So I'm going to roll with the punches. I've been given a sample size much larger than anticipated. I'm going to extend my deadline which I HATE doing because it is not the first time. But I'm going to extend it to December 10 - one day before my birthday. IF/WHEN I meet this deadline I will still have accomplished most of my 75-day challenge goals. But with a new 105-day challenge I will STILL be "off the academic-hook" on my birthday AND I will NOT have to pay Spring 2014 tuition assuming I defend in January. AND given good timing, I will be defending PRE-Aruba, so I can head off to Aruba MUCH lighter than before. And I will have all of spring semester to revise based on defense-edits so that I can graduate in May. May 2014 isn't my ideal graduation date but really, if my ultimate goal is to be unburdened by my next birthday and to NOT pay another semester of tuition, this should be sufficient to get the job done.
Well see. I'm just rolling with the punches, folks.
So I waited.
And waited.
One week later, a new thumb drive arrived with directions on backups. I was back on track. I looked at my data - so numerous, confusing and WONDERFUL. I promised myself I would NEVER have an academic deadline hanging over my head again. EVER.
I mean - c'mon now, I have a mid-December birthday. From the time of high school, I have always had an exam on, or around, my birthday. I spent my 21st birthday in a sad little Saratoga Springs bar with two friends who were venturing out as a final exam study break. And c'mon now. I've been in school SINCE high school and I'm 33. Let's be real. Time for a change.
It would seem the best change would be a 75-day challenge. Except it is now pretty clear I won't meet it. Long story short, my sample size of case studies has more than doubled. I've gained a bigger burden of a states BUT I have gained peace of mind that I am FINALLY on track with my Chair. That is really worth 6 extra weeks of work as far as I'm concerned.
So I'm going to roll with the punches. I've been given a sample size much larger than anticipated. I'm going to extend my deadline which I HATE doing because it is not the first time. But I'm going to extend it to December 10 - one day before my birthday. IF/WHEN I meet this deadline I will still have accomplished most of my 75-day challenge goals. But with a new 105-day challenge I will STILL be "off the academic-hook" on my birthday AND I will NOT have to pay Spring 2014 tuition assuming I defend in January. AND given good timing, I will be defending PRE-Aruba, so I can head off to Aruba MUCH lighter than before. And I will have all of spring semester to revise based on defense-edits so that I can graduate in May. May 2014 isn't my ideal graduation date but really, if my ultimate goal is to be unburdened by my next birthday and to NOT pay another semester of tuition, this should be sufficient to get the job done.
Well see. I'm just rolling with the punches, folks.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Day 22: Letting go of Time to Keep Track of It
For the longest time I've been meaning to sit and inventory all of my notes from over the summer and put them in an order, prioritize, and plug into my calendar. That was my task last night. I divided things up and allocated them based on the need to complete them. Tonight I [dragged myself downstairs and] completed 8 of my 11 tasks on my list, with the remaining three tasks half complete.
The task-orienting is nothing new to me but I've always obsessed over the amount of TIME each task takes. I've concerned myself with figuring out how much of what task will be done from here to there in my day. But yesterday the difference was that I just concerned myself with tasks. I didn't put a half hour tag on one thing and a two hour tag on the other. I reasonable estimated what could be done and the projected level of my fatigue, and from there I just doled out the activities.
It worked today. I looked at my list and just did it, one at a time, one by one. Tomorrow's checklist DOES exist (at least 15 minutes per day but this'll be more than 15 minutes) but it is a relatively easy/fun list b/c let's face it, it is Friday folks.
On that note, I'm out!
The task-orienting is nothing new to me but I've always obsessed over the amount of TIME each task takes. I've concerned myself with figuring out how much of what task will be done from here to there in my day. But yesterday the difference was that I just concerned myself with tasks. I didn't put a half hour tag on one thing and a two hour tag on the other. I reasonable estimated what could be done and the projected level of my fatigue, and from there I just doled out the activities.
It worked today. I looked at my list and just did it, one at a time, one by one. Tomorrow's checklist DOES exist (at least 15 minutes per day but this'll be more than 15 minutes) but it is a relatively easy/fun list b/c let's face it, it is Friday folks.
On that note, I'm out!
Dessert List
22. Take piano lessons with Mari.
21. Pay attention to what GoodReads actually is because I think I would actually like it.
21. Pay attention to what GoodReads actually is because I think I would actually like it.
20. Enjoy Fantasy Football to its fullest extent
19. Learn what Candy Crush Saga is and still refuse to play it
18. Convert porch area into an inside-eating area
17. Organize my books
16. Get Federally-barred
15. Okay - don't think I'm crazy - but write to publish. I had a very good idea for a law article today. This will be one I don't pursue right away but I do think I would like it.
14. Email both Z and Mari at least once every other day with my thoughts on them,
us, life, God.
13. Track all of the funny stories I've posted of Samara on Facebook and either email them to her and/or put them in a book for her. (Note: this doesn't include Z because she doesn't talk yet and I hope I finish my diss. before she starts to talk...)
12. In relation to #11, gather all of my user names and passwords and put them in a list somewhere... figuring out where that place will be should be another to-do list item but we'll save it for later.
11. Figure out whether Instagram is worth my time or just another account with a password.
10. Apply as a USDOE Federal Reviewer (not a full time job, or anything. A side-gig)
9. PINTEREST, Baby! That's right, I've never looked KNOWING it is a time-sucker!
8. Clean out the garage
7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls
6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write our wills, guardianship documents, etc.
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish with Mari and Z
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
GO DOWNSTAIRS!!
This’ll be brief.
I am really enjoying my new job. The hours aren’t necessarily different but the longer days are
just more frequent. I'm still working on the diss. but just not as much as needed. But I understand that there is a learning curve to shifting an entire schedule. And it isn’t that I don’t stay up late anyways...but arriving back at home so late does upset the routine. I can easily get ready for bed as soon as I walk in the door at 9 or 10 or 11pm.
There is one guaranteed solution to the problem of my
“ignoring” my work upon return: GO DOWNSTAIRS.
Here's why: I can’t get distracted.
My other options are: toy room; exercise room; laundry room… Aside from riding a horsy, running on a
treadmill, or doing laundry, my only other option is to sit and read. I call it “my dungeon” to Tim and it isn’t
that I hate the place or anything because I lived there for June and July… But it is rather bare and I have no
choice. So, barring any distraction
from FB (which I’ve become pretty good at barring) I focus and finish.
So: GD – Go Downstairs.
If I can follow this rule and at the end of each day I work on my dissertation plan out the
next day of tasks, I should be good to keep on pace.
Dessert List
21. Pay attention
to what GoodReads actually is because I think I would actually like it.
20. Enjoy Fantasy
Football to its fullest extent
19. Learn what
Candy Crush Saga is and still refuse to play it
18. Convert porch area
into an inside-eating area
17. Organize my
books
16. Get
Federally-barred
15. Okay -
don't think I'm crazy - but write to publish. I had a very good idea for a law
article today. This will be one I don't pursue right away but I do think
I would like it.
14. Email both Z
and Mari at least once every other day with my thoughts on them,
us, life, God.
13. Track all of
the funny stories I've posted of Samara on Facebook and either email them to
her and/or put them in a book for her. (Note: this doesn't include Z because
she doesn't talk yet and I hope I finish my diss. before she starts to talk...)
12. In relation to
#11, gather all of my user names and passwords and put them in a list
somewhere... figuring out where that place will be should be another to-do list
item but we'll save it for later.
11. Figure out
whether Instagram is worth my time or just another account with a password.
10.
Apply as a USDOE Federal Reviewer (not a full time job, or anything. A
side-gig)
9.
PINTEREST, Baby! That's right, I've never looked KNOWING it is a
time-sucker!
8.
Clean out the garage
7. Complete the
scrapbooking projects I have for the girls
6. Fix up the area
I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)
5. GO TO THE GYM as
often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper
with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write our wills,
guardianship documents, etc.
2. Read a novel
(without feeling guilty)
1.
Learn Spanish with Mari and Z
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Day 17: Striving for 50%
So life, it seems is pass/fail. The bar exam - pass or fail. Even licensure exams - just meet the cut score and you're good. Well, in no way am I veering from the norm when I say that for this week, I'm striving for 50%. But it means something different for me - it means that if I meet my goal I will have completed 2 of my 4 case studies. But I AM going to strive. I'm not going to settle. For if I settle, I'd probably only meet maybe 35-40% of my goal. No, instead, I'm going to actually meet the entire 50%. This means I prepare exactly what I would submit if I had to defend the thing tomorrow, based on these 2 states alone. One week from now, I will have reached my 50% goal - yup, my F will indicate that I'm Fully prepared to move onto my 3rd of 4 states.
Today was a hard - very hard day. I'm glad I was out of the house. I'm glad I'd already done a state to know that it would get better. In fact I'm glad I'd already done a state because I could literally copy wording and formatting and resource information. But I got through it and by the end I was enjoying it.
Tonight I've reviewed my journal since May 2013. It was hard. Hard to read of the time wasted. Of the thoughts I thought were good and the disappointments along the way. Of the struggles I had only to learn I shouldn't have struggled at all. But I'm sure in some way I wouldn't be where I am in this research process if I hadn't gone through what I did.
Putting the past behind me, I'm ready to proceed. Here's to finishing State 2 and working on getting them up to publication-par.
Today was a hard - very hard day. I'm glad I was out of the house. I'm glad I'd already done a state to know that it would get better. In fact I'm glad I'd already done a state because I could literally copy wording and formatting and resource information. But I got through it and by the end I was enjoying it.
Tonight I've reviewed my journal since May 2013. It was hard. Hard to read of the time wasted. Of the thoughts I thought were good and the disappointments along the way. Of the struggles I had only to learn I shouldn't have struggled at all. But I'm sure in some way I wouldn't be where I am in this research process if I hadn't gone through what I did.
Putting the past behind me, I'm ready to proceed. Here's to finishing State 2 and working on getting them up to publication-par.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Six of one; Half a Dozen of Another
Along with the multiple lists and schedules, as I mentioned in my last post, I am now setting clocks all over the place. One of my countdown gadgets is an app on my phone. It counts down by months and days - unlike my Facebook app which counts down by days only. So today I check my phone app and I have "one month, four weeks, one day..." I have one month AND four weeks? Sounds like I have 8 weeks; or maybe 2 months?
But what does it matter, in the end. I have 60 days left. SIX - ZERO. Ugh.
"Your dissertation is not a mystery novel. We will not read it cover to cover. Focus on clarity and get to the point." - My Dissertation House coach, Dr. Wendy Carter-Veale.
Dessert List:
#15. Get barred to practice in federal courts.
But what does it matter, in the end. I have 60 days left. SIX - ZERO. Ugh.
"Your dissertation is not a mystery novel. We will not read it cover to cover. Focus on clarity and get to the point." - My Dissertation House coach, Dr. Wendy Carter-Veale.
Dessert List:
#15. Get barred to practice in federal courts.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Day 14: My Dessert List
Let me set the scene. Pick any night of any week: Dinner time. Samara sits at the table with her food on her plate (sometimes a portioned plate) and negotiates. "How many bites do I have to take for a piece of cheese?" "How many pieces of chicken do I have to have for an Oreo?" "If I eat two spoonfuls of macaroni and cheese, do I still have to eat my peas?" This is the conversation on her end for the entire dinner period. It is exhausting. Partially because it requires my actually keeping up with her negotiation and partially because if she just ATE rather than TALKED about eating, she'd be finished.
How many times have I said that to her? If you just ATE rather than asked me about eating you'd be FINISHED WITH YOUR DINNER... Ugh!
Rrealize, she tracks what she "earns" - "Okay, so now I can have two sips of apple juice, and if I have just one more piece of broccoli I can have cheese. Then if I eat the 7 pieces of meat, I'll have my Oreo. That's apple juice, and cheese and an Oreo. What can I eat to get a yogurt bite?" Her Dessert List. Aye de mi! At least SOMEONE can keep track of all of this!!
As this was happening to the nth degree today I realized the obvious lesson in this situation. I write lists, explain what I'm going to do, post blogs, make schedules, track progress... but I am hardly DOING the work. Hardly WRITING any more these days... Part of this challenge is to get me to DO. Not talk about it, write about it, think about it but just do it and then I can have my list of 75 things to do as it will be when I finish: my Dessert List.
Okay - those were the thoughts for today. I'm so very tired. I've added a few things onto my to-do list so that I'll be sure to have 75 on October 15.
Dessert List
15. Okay - don't think I'm crazy - but write to publish. I had a very good idea for a law article today. This will be one I don't pursue right away but I do think I would like it.
14. Email both Z and Mari at least once every other day with my thoughts on them, us, life, God.
13. Track all of the funny stories I've posted of Samara on Facebook and either email them to her and/or put them in a book for her. (Note: this doesn't include Z because she doesn't talk yet and I hope I finish my diss. before she starts to talk...)
12. In relation to #11, gather all of my user names and passwords and put them in a list somewhere... figuring out where that place will be should be another to-do list item but we'll save it for later.
11. Figure out whether Instagram is worth my time or just another account with a password.
10. Apply as a USDOE Federal Reviewer (not a full time job, or anything. A side-gig)
9. PINTEREST, Baby! That's right, I've never looked KNOWING it is a time-sucker!
8. Clean out the garage
7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls
6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write our wills, guardianship documents, etc.
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish with Mari and Z
How many times have I said that to her? If you just ATE rather than asked me about eating you'd be FINISHED WITH YOUR DINNER... Ugh!
Rrealize, she tracks what she "earns" - "Okay, so now I can have two sips of apple juice, and if I have just one more piece of broccoli I can have cheese. Then if I eat the 7 pieces of meat, I'll have my Oreo. That's apple juice, and cheese and an Oreo. What can I eat to get a yogurt bite?" Her Dessert List. Aye de mi! At least SOMEONE can keep track of all of this!!
As this was happening to the nth degree today I realized the obvious lesson in this situation. I write lists, explain what I'm going to do, post blogs, make schedules, track progress... but I am hardly DOING the work. Hardly WRITING any more these days... Part of this challenge is to get me to DO. Not talk about it, write about it, think about it but just do it and then I can have my list of 75 things to do as it will be when I finish: my Dessert List.
Okay - those were the thoughts for today. I'm so very tired. I've added a few things onto my to-do list so that I'll be sure to have 75 on October 15.
Dessert List
15. Okay - don't think I'm crazy - but write to publish. I had a very good idea for a law article today. This will be one I don't pursue right away but I do think I would like it.
14. Email both Z and Mari at least once every other day with my thoughts on them, us, life, God.
13. Track all of the funny stories I've posted of Samara on Facebook and either email them to her and/or put them in a book for her. (Note: this doesn't include Z because she doesn't talk yet and I hope I finish my diss. before she starts to talk...)
12. In relation to #11, gather all of my user names and passwords and put them in a list somewhere... figuring out where that place will be should be another to-do list item but we'll save it for later.
11. Figure out whether Instagram is worth my time or just another account with a password.
10. Apply as a USDOE Federal Reviewer (not a full time job, or anything. A side-gig)
9. PINTEREST, Baby! That's right, I've never looked KNOWING it is a time-sucker!
8. Clean out the garage
7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls
6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write our wills, guardianship documents, etc.
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish with Mari and Z
Monday, August 12, 2013
Day 12: Self-Evident Problem
When one decides to challenge herself to completing the bulk of her dissertation in 75 days, and commits to blogging about it, a problem that occurs when she (for whatever reason) disengages herself from this challenge is that she has nothing about which to blog.
I'm not saying it's me.
I'm not.
I mean, it could be.
I could have completely lost confidence in what I'm doing.
I might have convinced myself that it is best for me to sit idly and wait for my Chair's feedback. Which is WRONG especially because I know that there are always 12-minute tasks I could be doing to move this thing forward.
Luckily I've committed myself to writing tomorrow night. Oddly, I've never met this woman but she went through a similar program as I did, and she is defending her dissertation in a few weeks. Long story short, I connected with her, she lives in York, goes to same grad school, etc. and we are meeting to prepare/write, etc. tomorrow night. And let's hope I get back on track.
Otherwise, about what will I blog??
I'm not saying it's me.
I'm not.
I mean, it could be.
I could have completely lost confidence in what I'm doing.
I might have convinced myself that it is best for me to sit idly and wait for my Chair's feedback. Which is WRONG especially because I know that there are always 12-minute tasks I could be doing to move this thing forward.
Luckily I've committed myself to writing tomorrow night. Oddly, I've never met this woman but she went through a similar program as I did, and she is defending her dissertation in a few weeks. Long story short, I connected with her, she lives in York, goes to same grad school, etc. and we are meeting to prepare/write, etc. tomorrow night. And let's hope I get back on track.
Otherwise, about what will I blog??
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Day 11: Selfless Good Deed
Season 5, Episode 4 of Friends (how could I blog straight for 75
days without mentioning Friends, the show that has gotten me through
so much?) “The
one where Pheobe hates PBS.” Here is the summary:
Phoebe says she hates PBS because it reminds her of the miserable days when her mother watched Sesame Street on it before committing suicide and even bitches Joey's telethon is selfishness masquerading as a good deed. When he retorts there is no such thing as a truly selfless good deed, she promises to prove him wrong.
I am going to side with Joey on this – at least when it comes to me and my scheming. I am constantly – forever – figuring out my schedule, and with this new endeavor, nothing has presented itself as more of a challenge than my time allocation. In the end though, I'm always trying to balance what I do, and the time I ask of others, with what I can give and how I can help take the load from others.
First, my Saturdays at UMBC are sort of working, but sort of not. I am not entirely able to just walk out of the door at 8am on a Saturday comfortable with leaving Tim with the entire responsibility of entertaining the girls for a day. I don't mean that Tim can't do it – he is better with the girls than I am, I think. But I mean, it's a lot. I suppose he's not constantly burdened with the research he should be doing which might in turn give him more patience, but still. So while I've gotten SOME work done, I've not been able to commit the entire day as I'd originally envisioned.
And now dawns the football season. I remember last year, with Z a newborn and Mari recently introduced to Tim's iPad and Disney Junior, Tim commenting, “I am not sure we should buy the NFL Ticket (a TV package) next year since it really isn't appropriate for the girls to just set here watching an iPad all day while we try and get a glimpse of all the games going on each week.” And I agreed.
One of the more obvious concessions of focusing on completing a dissertation is that a possible 10 to 11-hour day of watching football is just no longer feasible. AND assuming I give up 10 to 11 hours of family time on a Saturday by researching and writing, it seems to me I'd be available to hang with the gals the next day, while Tim DOES watch football. And this means that I am doing a good deed by allowing Tim to have some Tim-time. But in the end, it frees up my conscience so that I can up and leave on a Saturday without thinking twice. And that is very important.
So enters a revised schedule but one that I think might make me feel like I'm pulling my weight a little more. Tim has girls on Saturday; I have girls on Sunday – AND we remain married. Sounds like a custody agreement, but ya know, it's a dissertation agreement which might and probably does lead to divorce for some folks. Not here, not the Daltons of York, not now... not ever. BUT for those who are watching football – just don't rub it in. I'll miss it even if it does free me some from guilt. The best part is, the season goes beyond my challenge so I should get a glimpse of some of the games this season. For now though, I offer my time - so I can be with my girls, but also so that I don't feel so damned guilty walking out of the door every Saturday...
Phoebe says she hates PBS because it reminds her of the miserable days when her mother watched Sesame Street on it before committing suicide and even bitches Joey's telethon is selfishness masquerading as a good deed. When he retorts there is no such thing as a truly selfless good deed, she promises to prove him wrong.
I am going to side with Joey on this – at least when it comes to me and my scheming. I am constantly – forever – figuring out my schedule, and with this new endeavor, nothing has presented itself as more of a challenge than my time allocation. In the end though, I'm always trying to balance what I do, and the time I ask of others, with what I can give and how I can help take the load from others.
First, my Saturdays at UMBC are sort of working, but sort of not. I am not entirely able to just walk out of the door at 8am on a Saturday comfortable with leaving Tim with the entire responsibility of entertaining the girls for a day. I don't mean that Tim can't do it – he is better with the girls than I am, I think. But I mean, it's a lot. I suppose he's not constantly burdened with the research he should be doing which might in turn give him more patience, but still. So while I've gotten SOME work done, I've not been able to commit the entire day as I'd originally envisioned.
And now dawns the football season. I remember last year, with Z a newborn and Mari recently introduced to Tim's iPad and Disney Junior, Tim commenting, “I am not sure we should buy the NFL Ticket (a TV package) next year since it really isn't appropriate for the girls to just set here watching an iPad all day while we try and get a glimpse of all the games going on each week.” And I agreed.
One of the more obvious concessions of focusing on completing a dissertation is that a possible 10 to 11-hour day of watching football is just no longer feasible. AND assuming I give up 10 to 11 hours of family time on a Saturday by researching and writing, it seems to me I'd be available to hang with the gals the next day, while Tim DOES watch football. And this means that I am doing a good deed by allowing Tim to have some Tim-time. But in the end, it frees up my conscience so that I can up and leave on a Saturday without thinking twice. And that is very important.
So enters a revised schedule but one that I think might make me feel like I'm pulling my weight a little more. Tim has girls on Saturday; I have girls on Sunday – AND we remain married. Sounds like a custody agreement, but ya know, it's a dissertation agreement which might and probably does lead to divorce for some folks. Not here, not the Daltons of York, not now... not ever. BUT for those who are watching football – just don't rub it in. I'll miss it even if it does free me some from guilt. The best part is, the season goes beyond my challenge so I should get a glimpse of some of the games this season. For now though, I offer my time - so I can be with my girls, but also so that I don't feel so damned guilty walking out of the door every Saturday...
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Day 10: Orchestration
Good morning,
So sometimes the hardest part about getting the work done isn't the work itself but getting it all organized and ready for the part of the day that I would like to work on it. Today and tomorrow are tough ones, for example. I have a family-event today and a family-friendly-event tomorrow. The distinction matters not but they are events I am eager to attend. I sent in my draft yesterday so am not entirely sure what to work on today and once I do determine what it'll be I have to locate and print the materials, etc. etc. This SHOULD be something I've avoided by keeping a detailed notebook journal of my research for each day. Which I have been doing, sort of, but the work weeks are so fast that anything I accomplish seems to blend in together.
And so once I do figure out what work it is, I am going to fit it in with teaching at the gym, driving down to Dissertation House, doing the work itself, going to events here and there, and returning home (probably to either crash or work more... depends on my level of excitement with what I've done)
To do list:
10. Apply as a USDOE Federal Reviewer (not a full time job, or anything. A side-gig)
9. PINTEREST, Baby! That's right, I've never looked KNOWING it is a time-sucker!
8. Clean out the garage
7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls
6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write a will
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish
So sometimes the hardest part about getting the work done isn't the work itself but getting it all organized and ready for the part of the day that I would like to work on it. Today and tomorrow are tough ones, for example. I have a family-event today and a family-friendly-event tomorrow. The distinction matters not but they are events I am eager to attend. I sent in my draft yesterday so am not entirely sure what to work on today and once I do determine what it'll be I have to locate and print the materials, etc. etc. This SHOULD be something I've avoided by keeping a detailed notebook journal of my research for each day. Which I have been doing, sort of, but the work weeks are so fast that anything I accomplish seems to blend in together.
And so once I do figure out what work it is, I am going to fit it in with teaching at the gym, driving down to Dissertation House, doing the work itself, going to events here and there, and returning home (probably to either crash or work more... depends on my level of excitement with what I've done)
To do list:
10. Apply as a USDOE Federal Reviewer (not a full time job, or anything. A side-gig)
9. PINTEREST, Baby! That's right, I've never looked KNOWING it is a time-sucker!
8. Clean out the garage
7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls
6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write a will
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish
Friday, August 9, 2013
Day 9: Domesticated
Hello,
The big news for the day is that the Chair of my committee is now back in the U.S.!!! This means he might actually check his email and respond to drafts of my work. That has been, by far, the most frustrating part of my dissertation journey this summer. I put my entire family on financial hold so that I could concentrate full-time on writing my dissertation and whose schedule doesn't jive? My Chair's. An important research paper, presented in Prague, really threw a wrench in my productivity plans.
In one of my blogs (I skimmed but couldn't find reference) from either earlier this year or last year, I focused on my weakness in enjoying the process of things. Hey, I'm a checklist gal and I can't help it. I somewhat enjoy what I do but I enjoy giving myself credit for what I do just as much - and that means even during my free time. It's a little obsessive but I believe it is how I can multi-task well enough to do what I try and do.
Anyways, I remember starting on my full-time writing gig in June and people asking me whether this'd be enough time to complete by July 31. I'd answer, "Well, it better be because it's the only time I've got." And slowly, as my advisor failed to respond, as I learned of his departure from this country during just the time that I had set aside, as I read one of his few responses questioning an entire 2-weeks of work product, and as I considered making this project a masters' thesis I realized that God was probably laughing... I thought I had it figured out and I prayed every night that God wouldn't make this any harder than it had already been. I told Him I'd put aside the time and that this was it and I needed it done now. Sort of like what I am planning on doing with this 75-Day Challenge, but in this Challenge I have conceded to the fact that I'm managing multiple things and my time won't come easy and each decision I make will be a sacrifice to something else I could or should be doing. I get it. I am learning to enjoy it - enjoy the process. Submit. Surrender. Succeed.
So here's to hoping that the draft I sent him this morning (with MANY disclaimers about things that should have been done here, or will be done there) will arrive with comments on some near-future-date that indicate I'm at least on the right track...
To do list:
9. PINTEREST, Baby! That's right, I've never looked KNOWING it is a time-sucker!
8. Clean out the garage
7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls
6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write a will
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish
The big news for the day is that the Chair of my committee is now back in the U.S.!!! This means he might actually check his email and respond to drafts of my work. That has been, by far, the most frustrating part of my dissertation journey this summer. I put my entire family on financial hold so that I could concentrate full-time on writing my dissertation and whose schedule doesn't jive? My Chair's. An important research paper, presented in Prague, really threw a wrench in my productivity plans.
In one of my blogs (I skimmed but couldn't find reference) from either earlier this year or last year, I focused on my weakness in enjoying the process of things. Hey, I'm a checklist gal and I can't help it. I somewhat enjoy what I do but I enjoy giving myself credit for what I do just as much - and that means even during my free time. It's a little obsessive but I believe it is how I can multi-task well enough to do what I try and do.
Anyways, I remember starting on my full-time writing gig in June and people asking me whether this'd be enough time to complete by July 31. I'd answer, "Well, it better be because it's the only time I've got." And slowly, as my advisor failed to respond, as I learned of his departure from this country during just the time that I had set aside, as I read one of his few responses questioning an entire 2-weeks of work product, and as I considered making this project a masters' thesis I realized that God was probably laughing... I thought I had it figured out and I prayed every night that God wouldn't make this any harder than it had already been. I told Him I'd put aside the time and that this was it and I needed it done now. Sort of like what I am planning on doing with this 75-Day Challenge, but in this Challenge I have conceded to the fact that I'm managing multiple things and my time won't come easy and each decision I make will be a sacrifice to something else I could or should be doing. I get it. I am learning to enjoy it - enjoy the process. Submit. Surrender. Succeed.
So here's to hoping that the draft I sent him this morning (with MANY disclaimers about things that should have been done here, or will be done there) will arrive with comments on some near-future-date that indicate I'm at least on the right track...
To do list:
9. PINTEREST, Baby! That's right, I've never looked KNOWING it is a time-sucker!
8. Clean out the garage
7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls
6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write a will
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Day 8
Hello,
This past week has been a whirlwind. I'm here; I'm there; I'm everywhere; I'm going no where. I had/have high expectations of myself and I knew/know they were/are a little ridiculous since I had/have no clue what my life would/will be like, day-to-day, with a new job. I do apologize for the slashing of tenses, which I realize may be annoying to the reader. It indicates, however, a slow realization that things need to change but the desire to stick to my guns as much as possible.
I had a long talk with my work mentor yesterday. One of the stupidest things I could have expected of myself was to NOT workout. Another ridiculous thing to assume was that I would be able to read, write and research (no matter what the subject-matter) for more than 12 hours in a day. Then there are the things that I had no way of knowing: Samara is on some new schedule and is up by 5:30am every day (there goes morning time); going to bed not having completed what I want to denies me any good, deep sleep which in turn affects me day after day as lack of sleep accumulates; if I expect myself to blog every day I should have a computer available in the space I prefer to blog, rather than in a place that seems so far away to me (in the depths of my basement office).
While I knew I didn't blog yesterday and freely admitted it, I'm perplexed that there is no blog for Monday... What happened? I thought I blogged? Things like that annoy me. I need a little more oversight regarding this blogging project...
Taking what I've learned this past week, I am going to change a few things around: I will revise my expectations of morning time and give Samara her choice of what to do while I work until Mackenzie wakes up. That morning time is ALL that I will expect of myself in terms of my dissertation during the work week. I will THEN attempt to do my workouts at night. I've been so tired by the time night comes that I can't see straight - but amazingly if at the gym, energy usually finds its way to my body. There is no reading involved so maybe I can make it work... In order to follow through with blogging, I will keep my laptop at my bedside since I usually realize I didn't blog as I'm falling to sleep which also probably affects my sleep-quality.
My goal is 20 hours per week of dissertation writing and doing things this way still gets me about that much. Who knows. So right now, I keep my goals rather unattainable but I will figure this out, I promise.
To do list:
8. Clean out the garage
7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls
6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write a will
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish
This past week has been a whirlwind. I'm here; I'm there; I'm everywhere; I'm going no where. I had/have high expectations of myself and I knew/know they were/are a little ridiculous since I had/have no clue what my life would/will be like, day-to-day, with a new job. I do apologize for the slashing of tenses, which I realize may be annoying to the reader. It indicates, however, a slow realization that things need to change but the desire to stick to my guns as much as possible.
I had a long talk with my work mentor yesterday. One of the stupidest things I could have expected of myself was to NOT workout. Another ridiculous thing to assume was that I would be able to read, write and research (no matter what the subject-matter) for more than 12 hours in a day. Then there are the things that I had no way of knowing: Samara is on some new schedule and is up by 5:30am every day (there goes morning time); going to bed not having completed what I want to denies me any good, deep sleep which in turn affects me day after day as lack of sleep accumulates; if I expect myself to blog every day I should have a computer available in the space I prefer to blog, rather than in a place that seems so far away to me (in the depths of my basement office).
While I knew I didn't blog yesterday and freely admitted it, I'm perplexed that there is no blog for Monday... What happened? I thought I blogged? Things like that annoy me. I need a little more oversight regarding this blogging project...
Taking what I've learned this past week, I am going to change a few things around: I will revise my expectations of morning time and give Samara her choice of what to do while I work until Mackenzie wakes up. That morning time is ALL that I will expect of myself in terms of my dissertation during the work week. I will THEN attempt to do my workouts at night. I've been so tired by the time night comes that I can't see straight - but amazingly if at the gym, energy usually finds its way to my body. There is no reading involved so maybe I can make it work... In order to follow through with blogging, I will keep my laptop at my bedside since I usually realize I didn't blog as I'm falling to sleep which also probably affects my sleep-quality.
My goal is 20 hours per week of dissertation writing and doing things this way still gets me about that much. Who knows. So right now, I keep my goals rather unattainable but I will figure this out, I promise.
To do list:
8. Clean out the garage
7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls
6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write a will
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Confessions of a Slacker... Dreamer... Slacker
I have a handful of little tidbits to share today. But I'll get to the point: I'm not doing work today (confession) because I'm dreaming of choreography (dreamer), I know I could have done at least something (slacker) but I'm completely happy where I am at this particular moment except that I have so many dance choreography ideas.
I'll make a concession - I am giving up valuable time this weekend for writing. I am also waiting for my Chair to return to this country - until he does I'm not sure of whether I'm on the right track (but don't let this fool you, it is an excuse).
And another thing: I'm loving my new job. Here's the thing - I am reading, writing, analyzing and advising 12 hours a day, at least five days a week. If I could give all of my time to my new job... wow, that'd be great. I can't right now. I have to give up about 15-20 of those hours for my dissertation. It's hard. I walk out of the office and want to continue my research. I want to wrap up one project to go to the next.
Wanna know why? I'm learning; I'm applying. I'm NOT creating. I'm NOT devising. I am finding loopholes, looking for exceptions, DO-ing. My now-Chair advised me when I started - the dissertation is looking for something new, contributing something new to academia. It is not taking what is there and applying it but it is going beyond, inventing, innovating.
And while that concept isn't foreign to me, it is something I am used to doing when I dance. I... God above, I have so many IDEAS. I want to dance. I want to feel. I want. I want. I want. And I WILL NOT GET until I finish. So I'll do it. But tomorrow (and I mean that). Tomorrow. Wrap up and move on to Ohio case study.
I think I'm on to-do list 5 or 6: Audition for a play (yup. that's what I wrote!!)
I'll make a concession - I am giving up valuable time this weekend for writing. I am also waiting for my Chair to return to this country - until he does I'm not sure of whether I'm on the right track (but don't let this fool you, it is an excuse).
And another thing: I'm loving my new job. Here's the thing - I am reading, writing, analyzing and advising 12 hours a day, at least five days a week. If I could give all of my time to my new job... wow, that'd be great. I can't right now. I have to give up about 15-20 of those hours for my dissertation. It's hard. I walk out of the office and want to continue my research. I want to wrap up one project to go to the next.
Wanna know why? I'm learning; I'm applying. I'm NOT creating. I'm NOT devising. I am finding loopholes, looking for exceptions, DO-ing. My now-Chair advised me when I started - the dissertation is looking for something new, contributing something new to academia. It is not taking what is there and applying it but it is going beyond, inventing, innovating.
And while that concept isn't foreign to me, it is something I am used to doing when I dance. I... God above, I have so many IDEAS. I want to dance. I want to feel. I want. I want. I want. And I WILL NOT GET until I finish. So I'll do it. But tomorrow (and I mean that). Tomorrow. Wrap up and move on to Ohio case study.
I think I'm on to-do list 5 or 6: Audition for a play (yup. that's what I wrote!!)
Monday, August 5, 2013
Dreams
Today I find myself daydreaming - thinking of my new job, thinking of voice lessons with my daughter, thinking of... anything.
But unlike before I don't hate what I'm doing when I sit down to write my dissertation. I really kind of like it - I have a plan and a goal and I have a schedule to meet that goal. In fact, I had a dream last night about the goal - that I wasn't going to meet the goal. I filed a petition with the court (talk about confusing one's role) and the court granted the extension. And I've sat on that thought: not meeting my goal of 75 days. And I'm okay - I mean, the only thing affected is when I graduate. I FIRMLY believe I'm going to get this thing done in 2013 and if nothing else, that is ALL I ask: that I never write a damn thing about equitable distribution in 2014 or any other year in my life - unless I'm being paid to do so as an expert.
I'm not happy with my progress, on its face. But I'm happy with my outlook - for now. I need to find the balance and maintain it. I'll take what I can get, right now, though. I am working each day. I am making progress each day. I am further than I was the day before. I am making this as much of a priority as I possible am able to. I think that is all I ever asked of myself and since I am doing it, I feel oddly okay with myself and less frustrated.
I forgot a new task when I wrote my entry yesterday so now I'm adding two:
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write a will
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish
But unlike before I don't hate what I'm doing when I sit down to write my dissertation. I really kind of like it - I have a plan and a goal and I have a schedule to meet that goal. In fact, I had a dream last night about the goal - that I wasn't going to meet the goal. I filed a petition with the court (talk about confusing one's role) and the court granted the extension. And I've sat on that thought: not meeting my goal of 75 days. And I'm okay - I mean, the only thing affected is when I graduate. I FIRMLY believe I'm going to get this thing done in 2013 and if nothing else, that is ALL I ask: that I never write a damn thing about equitable distribution in 2014 or any other year in my life - unless I'm being paid to do so as an expert.
I'm not happy with my progress, on its face. But I'm happy with my outlook - for now. I need to find the balance and maintain it. I'll take what I can get, right now, though. I am working each day. I am making progress each day. I am further than I was the day before. I am making this as much of a priority as I possible am able to. I think that is all I ever asked of myself and since I am doing it, I feel oddly okay with myself and less frustrated.
I forgot a new task when I wrote my entry yesterday so now I'm adding two:
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write a will
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish
Sunday, August 4, 2013
I'm here, aren't I?
Hello,
Today could've been amazing, or well, today. And it was amazing but not in the PhD writing sense. Today I lived in the moment. I made zerberts with Mackenzie and did Swan Lake lifts with Samara - ya know, the important things. I worked on my paper for 45 minutes. Good, but won't get me done in 71 days. I think I have a few days where things might work out so that I have more time than I thought to write, but really - I don't have much room for this "amazing day with family" stuff. But that'll stress me out. Knowing there is some leniency is important; I just can't use that leniency as a crutch. But... ya know. I hadn't seen the kids for about 5 days. It was important for my hips to reacquaint themselves with Z's rear and for my ears to hear Samara's lovely made-up songs.
So, I got some stuff done. Had I worked diligently last night and today, right now I'd be sending my advisor my draft of state one. I'd also be more stressed out than I should be to go to my "real" first day of my new job tomorrow, where summer extravaganza's aren't allowing me to get off of work half a day early... I'll call it a day and worry about all of this tomorrow.
All I know is that I laughed with my girls today and I still found time to get some work done.
Today could've been amazing, or well, today. And it was amazing but not in the PhD writing sense. Today I lived in the moment. I made zerberts with Mackenzie and did Swan Lake lifts with Samara - ya know, the important things. I worked on my paper for 45 minutes. Good, but won't get me done in 71 days. I think I have a few days where things might work out so that I have more time than I thought to write, but really - I don't have much room for this "amazing day with family" stuff. But that'll stress me out. Knowing there is some leniency is important; I just can't use that leniency as a crutch. But... ya know. I hadn't seen the kids for about 5 days. It was important for my hips to reacquaint themselves with Z's rear and for my ears to hear Samara's lovely made-up songs.
So, I got some stuff done. Had I worked diligently last night and today, right now I'd be sending my advisor my draft of state one. I'd also be more stressed out than I should be to go to my "real" first day of my new job tomorrow, where summer extravaganza's aren't allowing me to get off of work half a day early... I'll call it a day and worry about all of this tomorrow.
All I know is that I laughed with my girls today and I still found time to get some work done.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Oh what a feeling!
I friggin did
it. I made it through a state policy analysis and I'm alive... Wait,
what? You say there never was anything to worry about? Then why
have I been so anxious...?? Oh, in my head you say? Huh. Right...
yeah... yup. I will. Okay folks I'm supposed to tell you how I
did. I think I did well today. I friggin FINALLY got through this
section.
In 75 days I will:
3. WRITE MY WILL (yes, I am
without one for the care of my children and it almost scares me to
death except I realize how little such magnitude of fear would help
me in this situation so I calm down and back away...)
Friday, August 2, 2013
Early Bird Gets Work Done
Good morning. While so exhausted last night that my eyes were burning, and while so run down I couldn't imagine my body waking up automatically at 3:30am again... it did. And while I have no idea how this will affect my attention span and functioning later today, being up early really was very productive for me.
On that note, a small departure from the intention of this post: I used to be able to burn the candle at both ends - get up early, stay up late. And as I've gone through this process of figuring out how to hone in and capitalize on my most productive parts of the day, and recognizing that I'm just not good at being up early and going to bed late, I've wondered where I've ended up. Some days I can stay up until 1am... but its the getting up again at 4am that's been hard. Now, I'm up at 3:30am but going to bed at 9:30pm. It seems I should just pick one end of the day and stick with it. I would say morning productivity has been much better than late night so I'll keep with it for a while and see if it sticks.
Anyways, I finished (99%) of sections B-D of my outline for Michigan. Tomorrow I need to tackle E-H of my outline and this is EXCITING because this is the meat of the hypothesis to my dissertation research. I'm comparing reports, responses, policies, etc. All the nerdy crap that I actually like.
Finally, one intention of this post (I've decided) is to every day list something I will do once finished. As a result I will have a list of 75 things to do when I'm done - with no real time frame on when to do them, but it will help me remember my bucket list. There is also no real order to this either. I forgot to include this yesterday so I've got two listed today:
1. Learn Spanish with Samara and Mackenzie (refresh and revamp my own knowledge while they learn)
2. Read a novel without feeling guilty
On that note, a small departure from the intention of this post: I used to be able to burn the candle at both ends - get up early, stay up late. And as I've gone through this process of figuring out how to hone in and capitalize on my most productive parts of the day, and recognizing that I'm just not good at being up early and going to bed late, I've wondered where I've ended up. Some days I can stay up until 1am... but its the getting up again at 4am that's been hard. Now, I'm up at 3:30am but going to bed at 9:30pm. It seems I should just pick one end of the day and stick with it. I would say morning productivity has been much better than late night so I'll keep with it for a while and see if it sticks.
Anyways, I finished (99%) of sections B-D of my outline for Michigan. Tomorrow I need to tackle E-H of my outline and this is EXCITING because this is the meat of the hypothesis to my dissertation research. I'm comparing reports, responses, policies, etc. All the nerdy crap that I actually like.
Finally, one intention of this post (I've decided) is to every day list something I will do once finished. As a result I will have a list of 75 things to do when I'm done - with no real time frame on when to do them, but it will help me remember my bucket list. There is also no real order to this either. I forgot to include this yesterday so I've got two listed today:
1. Learn Spanish with Samara and Mackenzie (refresh and revamp my own knowledge while they learn)
2. Read a novel without feeling guilty
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Day 1: The terms of our relationship
Good evening.
I have thought a lot about what exactly it is I expect from you. It is highly unlikely that anyone reading this will give two hoots about the equitable distribution of highly qualified teachers in Michigan, Ohio, Georgia and Alabama. I doubt folks will care how the U.S. Department of Education responded under President W. Bush or how the same government agency has responded under President Obama.
Further, I have other outlets for holding myself accountable to the actual completion of tasks so why create just another venue?
Instead, I think I'm going to make this my emotional outlet. I mean, the other grad students who are a part of my accountability group sympathize and relate to my emotional ups and downs, but we are a group to get things done, not to bitch and moan about the process. I promise my emotions will be worth the read - and if not, I'll make up something ;-)
So, Day 1: I am so incredibly tired. As the dawn of a new job crept up, so did my internal alarm clock. Folks, 3:30am. Which may not be SO bad except I went to bed at 12:30am. And I am so tired. I cannot - literally cannot - read the writing on the paper.
I can tell you this - if not but for this challenge I'd either be watching a movie with Tim or I would have gone to bed an hour ago. Instead I persisted and got about an hour's worth of work done. It isn't the 3 I wanted or NEED but there is nothing I can do. I've lost my place in my reading too many times to count.
In the end, I am going to bed. But I do plan on waking up bright and early for some work completion. I have only a little bit of time tomorrow too so we'll see.
Until then, peace.
“The difference between try and triumph is a little umph. ”
I have thought a lot about what exactly it is I expect from you. It is highly unlikely that anyone reading this will give two hoots about the equitable distribution of highly qualified teachers in Michigan, Ohio, Georgia and Alabama. I doubt folks will care how the U.S. Department of Education responded under President W. Bush or how the same government agency has responded under President Obama.
Further, I have other outlets for holding myself accountable to the actual completion of tasks so why create just another venue?
Instead, I think I'm going to make this my emotional outlet. I mean, the other grad students who are a part of my accountability group sympathize and relate to my emotional ups and downs, but we are a group to get things done, not to bitch and moan about the process. I promise my emotions will be worth the read - and if not, I'll make up something ;-)
So, Day 1: I am so incredibly tired. As the dawn of a new job crept up, so did my internal alarm clock. Folks, 3:30am. Which may not be SO bad except I went to bed at 12:30am. And I am so tired. I cannot - literally cannot - read the writing on the paper.
I can tell you this - if not but for this challenge I'd either be watching a movie with Tim or I would have gone to bed an hour ago. Instead I persisted and got about an hour's worth of work done. It isn't the 3 I wanted or NEED but there is nothing I can do. I've lost my place in my reading too many times to count.
In the end, I am going to bed. But I do plan on waking up bright and early for some work completion. I have only a little bit of time tomorrow too so we'll see.
Until then, peace.
“The difference between try and triumph is a little umph. ”
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
The 75-Day Challenge
So, here goes. I'm going to really put myself out here. I'm
challenging myself to a “75 Day Challenge.” The truth is, I
toyed with finding a fresh name for this, but realized it is but
another way to procrastinate – and avoiding such behavior is the
essence of this challenge.
Remember Julie and Julia? The movie about a young woman who decides to go through the cookbook of Julia Child – one recipe a day – blogging about it each day? I will parallel this effort. Nope, not a cooking challenge (Lord, help us) Eh, no, not a workout challenge. No...no not a new meal plan challenge. I challenge myself to blog every day, for the next 75 days, on the progress of my dissertation.
All I ask is for you (those of you who are interested) to hold me accountable – maybe don't even read the blog if you don't want to, but expect it so that if you don't see the link on FB/Twitter, ask me why!
Why 75 days? Because my (self-imposed) deadline is up then – October 15, 2013, 11pm. [And I'm so tempted to add some disclaimer about how nothing actually happens if I don't meet this deadline, but I do risk missing semester deadlines and will have to pay for another semester of tuition. And guess what? I've paid for 18 semesters of tuition since law school; some of those semesters I paid for both law school and graduate school. tuition So really. It's just insane to keep this going.] I could explain time missed with family and the time I need to focus on, and commit myself, to my new job but that is pretty obvious... *Not to mention I would love to submit a new dance choreography piece in the Spring 2014 Open Marley Night*
Why do you care? Well, you may not. BUT if I finish in 75 days I will be able to attend functions, see my children, help out around the house... You know, live life a little.
Why now? I start a new job tomorrow. I'm on the track to completion of this dissertation, but I am scared (petrified) I will get lost in the tasks of this job only to find myself still writing my dissertation a year from now. [Not to mention in the realm of OCD world, August 1 is a nice starting date].
Why will this work? I keep my word. I am relying on the premise that I do not like to fail, and if I define “failure” as making a promise and not following through with it, well, then... this should work. PLUS, I hate to say it folks, but my gym routine will go on hold until it is done. I will teach, take walks with the dogs & children, but I cannot make this a priority at this point.
Why a blog? A few reasons. I usually have a lot to say and a mere status update on FB/Twitter, etc. won't work. I have a blog that I set up a while ago on which I hardly write, so let's use it. AND I promise to post “funnies” about Samara, and I'm sure Mackenzie soon. Maybe not in every post, but enough of the time, I think. Plus this blog is “The Portioned Plate.” My life balancing act. This is the ultimate call to action.
Anyways, as I mentioned, this scares me – this asking others to hold me accountable. This... this putting myself out there. And frankly 75 days seems like a shot in the dark to me, in terms of actually finishing. So I commit myself to a very intense 2 ½ months.
Okay all. Time for sleep so I can be on task tomorrow. Peace.
The soul of a lazy man desires, and has nothing; But the soul of the diligent shall be made rich. ~Proverbs 13:4
Remember Julie and Julia? The movie about a young woman who decides to go through the cookbook of Julia Child – one recipe a day – blogging about it each day? I will parallel this effort. Nope, not a cooking challenge (Lord, help us) Eh, no, not a workout challenge. No...no not a new meal plan challenge. I challenge myself to blog every day, for the next 75 days, on the progress of my dissertation.
All I ask is for you (those of you who are interested) to hold me accountable – maybe don't even read the blog if you don't want to, but expect it so that if you don't see the link on FB/Twitter, ask me why!
Why 75 days? Because my (self-imposed) deadline is up then – October 15, 2013, 11pm. [And I'm so tempted to add some disclaimer about how nothing actually happens if I don't meet this deadline, but I do risk missing semester deadlines and will have to pay for another semester of tuition. And guess what? I've paid for 18 semesters of tuition since law school; some of those semesters I paid for both law school and graduate school. tuition So really. It's just insane to keep this going.] I could explain time missed with family and the time I need to focus on, and commit myself, to my new job but that is pretty obvious... *Not to mention I would love to submit a new dance choreography piece in the Spring 2014 Open Marley Night*
Why do you care? Well, you may not. BUT if I finish in 75 days I will be able to attend functions, see my children, help out around the house... You know, live life a little.
Why now? I start a new job tomorrow. I'm on the track to completion of this dissertation, but I am scared (petrified) I will get lost in the tasks of this job only to find myself still writing my dissertation a year from now. [Not to mention in the realm of OCD world, August 1 is a nice starting date].
Why will this work? I keep my word. I am relying on the premise that I do not like to fail, and if I define “failure” as making a promise and not following through with it, well, then... this should work. PLUS, I hate to say it folks, but my gym routine will go on hold until it is done. I will teach, take walks with the dogs & children, but I cannot make this a priority at this point.
Why a blog? A few reasons. I usually have a lot to say and a mere status update on FB/Twitter, etc. won't work. I have a blog that I set up a while ago on which I hardly write, so let's use it. AND I promise to post “funnies” about Samara, and I'm sure Mackenzie soon. Maybe not in every post, but enough of the time, I think. Plus this blog is “The Portioned Plate.” My life balancing act. This is the ultimate call to action.
Anyways, as I mentioned, this scares me – this asking others to hold me accountable. This... this putting myself out there. And frankly 75 days seems like a shot in the dark to me, in terms of actually finishing. So I commit myself to a very intense 2 ½ months.
Okay all. Time for sleep so I can be on task tomorrow. Peace.
The soul of a lazy man desires, and has nothing; But the soul of the diligent shall be made rich. ~Proverbs 13:4
Friday, July 26, 2013
A Love Letter
My Z,
I don't know where to begin, so I'll start from "the beginning." About this time, 3:30am, July 26, 2012 I couldn't sleep. This was nothing unusual: I was almost 40 weeks pregnant and [you] the baby inside had claimed most of my sleep for his/her own. And when you're a mother who works outside the house full time who finds herself "black-clouded" with a dissertation, you research in such times, so that's what I did. I worked on my evaluation of Arkansas's state plans for the equitable distribution of highly qualified teachers. (For the record, I sincerely hope that this is a complete project by the time you are able to read this.)
My pregnancy with you was just as wonderful as with Samara, except so very different. It is just the same with how you two sisters are in life - wonderful, but so very different. As your due date, July 30, loomed closer and closer I got rather stressed, which was odd because as I said, my pregnancy with you was wonderful. I knew things would be different with you - for how could things be exactly the same - but Samara had been born 13 days prior to her due date and the world of "experts" (i.e. FB friends and everyone I encountered) told me the second baby would arrive sooner than the first. And so I'd had my share of "false hopes" - thinking labor had started but learning I was wrong.
This morning one year ago, 4am, as I sat contemplating the federal response to Arkansas's state equity plan, the contractions started again once more. But this time, I kept working - I tracked the contractions, but kept working. At about 5:15am it was apparent that a pattern was emerging so I called the doctor. It was a funny time because your dad was getting ready to go to work and we didn't know whether he should make the 50 minute drive to Baltimore. I got off of the phone, having received the advice to just wait and see, and told your dad I had no clue what he should do. So, in typical "Daltons of York" style, we stuck with our routine. Dad went to work.
Sufficed to say, about an hour after he left, I was calling him to tell him to return. I had waited about as long as I could for him (at least another hour for him to drive) and was about to leave without him in fear I'd have you in the house or on the way, when he finally did return home only to tell me he hadn't packed anything for the hospital. So I waited. Your dad decided to drive through the city during York City's version of "rush hour" which isn't much, but it is slower than the highway. On the way, he generously offered the right of way to about every driver who needed it. So I waited. We arrived at the hospital and completely forgot where to park - so in typical "Daltons of York" style we took a guess and were wrong. We had to have a security guard walk us to the maternity ward, while all along the contractions were getting pretty heavy. We check in and the doctor checks to see if I am far enough along - aaaaaand at about 8 centimeters dilated, we all decided that I was having a baby that day - July 26, 2012.
From there, the story could get longer, but here's the short version: While both you and your sister took the exact same about of time from the beginning of labor to birth (8 hours) a MAJOR difference between my delivery of you and of her was that yours was wonderful. I have a few theories as to why that is but they are irrelevant. For the record, I rejoiced at your sister's birth, don't get me wrong, but if I'm going to experience extraordinary amounts of pain, I'd rather know what to expect. And as the first, that just wasn't possible for my delivery of her. But with you, I... I...
Well anyways, short version: you are born on the 3rd push after I was in the hospital for only 3 hours. I had to have a small surgery so couldn't eat until afterwards which wasn't until 9 hours after I'd delivered you. Your grandparents and father and sister did eat... right in front of me which was "awesome." The Olympics started the day after you were born so your father and I had that playing on the TV for most of the time. Your father met you and loved you right away. And your sister met you and loved you right away. Your grandparents and aunts met you and loved you right away. I finally put a face to the wonderful being in my belly and the love I'd had for 40 weeks grew exponentially.
When you read this, I have no idea what the state of technology will be. Today, the common form of capturing a moment is via digital picture and video. We have plenty of pictures of you, but I'm working so hard to imprint your image in my mind that I wanted to describe your presence: You have a color of hair that teeters between reddish and blondish... I guess strawberry blonde, but I don't know. Your amount of hair is just right - not too much but enough that I can give you a little girly style - at the moment a Pebbles pony tail on the top of your head. Your lips are so perfect and your cheeks could be holding a little nut in each one. You have nice little ears, I suppose, but it's hardly a feature I can describe well. Of course you have the little baby nose. You are very long in stature... You have long fingers, long toes, long legs and long arms. You are long. Your knees have callouses on them because you still prefer crawling to walking, although I think you'll put crawling aside very soon. You are kissed by many mosquitoes and the bites well up. So far, you only have two little bottom teeth that pop out when you smile - which is a lot. Your two favorite modes of body-expressions (besides smiling) are pointing and clapping. And how could one forget your eyes. The big, round blueberries staring at people as they engage with you. You often give a "deer in headlights" expression (so if I'm doing justice to my written-picture I should paint that image with words) although that trait is fading and big smiles usually appear on your face when people speak to you.
You are my Z. You are my bookend. You have taken what was an open end to our family, closed it in, tied it up, and completed it. You are you. You are God's little angel. You are mine, your dad's, your sister's. We are yours. God is yours. God loves you. We love you. I love you. Take care, Sweet Z, all the days of your life and know that you are loved by many. Happy First Birthday!
Love always,
Mom
I don't know where to begin, so I'll start from "the beginning." About this time, 3:30am, July 26, 2012 I couldn't sleep. This was nothing unusual: I was almost 40 weeks pregnant and [you] the baby inside had claimed most of my sleep for his/her own. And when you're a mother who works outside the house full time who finds herself "black-clouded" with a dissertation, you research in such times, so that's what I did. I worked on my evaluation of Arkansas's state plans for the equitable distribution of highly qualified teachers. (For the record, I sincerely hope that this is a complete project by the time you are able to read this.)
My pregnancy with you was just as wonderful as with Samara, except so very different. It is just the same with how you two sisters are in life - wonderful, but so very different. As your due date, July 30, loomed closer and closer I got rather stressed, which was odd because as I said, my pregnancy with you was wonderful. I knew things would be different with you - for how could things be exactly the same - but Samara had been born 13 days prior to her due date and the world of "experts" (i.e. FB friends and everyone I encountered) told me the second baby would arrive sooner than the first. And so I'd had my share of "false hopes" - thinking labor had started but learning I was wrong.
This morning one year ago, 4am, as I sat contemplating the federal response to Arkansas's state equity plan, the contractions started again once more. But this time, I kept working - I tracked the contractions, but kept working. At about 5:15am it was apparent that a pattern was emerging so I called the doctor. It was a funny time because your dad was getting ready to go to work and we didn't know whether he should make the 50 minute drive to Baltimore. I got off of the phone, having received the advice to just wait and see, and told your dad I had no clue what he should do. So, in typical "Daltons of York" style, we stuck with our routine. Dad went to work.
Sufficed to say, about an hour after he left, I was calling him to tell him to return. I had waited about as long as I could for him (at least another hour for him to drive) and was about to leave without him in fear I'd have you in the house or on the way, when he finally did return home only to tell me he hadn't packed anything for the hospital. So I waited. Your dad decided to drive through the city during York City's version of "rush hour" which isn't much, but it is slower than the highway. On the way, he generously offered the right of way to about every driver who needed it. So I waited. We arrived at the hospital and completely forgot where to park - so in typical "Daltons of York" style we took a guess and were wrong. We had to have a security guard walk us to the maternity ward, while all along the contractions were getting pretty heavy. We check in and the doctor checks to see if I am far enough along - aaaaaand at about 8 centimeters dilated, we all decided that I was having a baby that day - July 26, 2012.
From there, the story could get longer, but here's the short version: While both you and your sister took the exact same about of time from the beginning of labor to birth (8 hours) a MAJOR difference between my delivery of you and of her was that yours was wonderful. I have a few theories as to why that is but they are irrelevant. For the record, I rejoiced at your sister's birth, don't get me wrong, but if I'm going to experience extraordinary amounts of pain, I'd rather know what to expect. And as the first, that just wasn't possible for my delivery of her. But with you, I... I...
Well anyways, short version: you are born on the 3rd push after I was in the hospital for only 3 hours. I had to have a small surgery so couldn't eat until afterwards which wasn't until 9 hours after I'd delivered you. Your grandparents and father and sister did eat... right in front of me which was "awesome." The Olympics started the day after you were born so your father and I had that playing on the TV for most of the time. Your father met you and loved you right away. And your sister met you and loved you right away. Your grandparents and aunts met you and loved you right away. I finally put a face to the wonderful being in my belly and the love I'd had for 40 weeks grew exponentially.
When you read this, I have no idea what the state of technology will be. Today, the common form of capturing a moment is via digital picture and video. We have plenty of pictures of you, but I'm working so hard to imprint your image in my mind that I wanted to describe your presence: You have a color of hair that teeters between reddish and blondish... I guess strawberry blonde, but I don't know. Your amount of hair is just right - not too much but enough that I can give you a little girly style - at the moment a Pebbles pony tail on the top of your head. Your lips are so perfect and your cheeks could be holding a little nut in each one. You have nice little ears, I suppose, but it's hardly a feature I can describe well. Of course you have the little baby nose. You are very long in stature... You have long fingers, long toes, long legs and long arms. You are long. Your knees have callouses on them because you still prefer crawling to walking, although I think you'll put crawling aside very soon. You are kissed by many mosquitoes and the bites well up. So far, you only have two little bottom teeth that pop out when you smile - which is a lot. Your two favorite modes of body-expressions (besides smiling) are pointing and clapping. And how could one forget your eyes. The big, round blueberries staring at people as they engage with you. You often give a "deer in headlights" expression (so if I'm doing justice to my written-picture I should paint that image with words) although that trait is fading and big smiles usually appear on your face when people speak to you.
You are my Z. You are my bookend. You have taken what was an open end to our family, closed it in, tied it up, and completed it. You are you. You are God's little angel. You are mine, your dad's, your sister's. We are yours. God is yours. God loves you. We love you. I love you. Take care, Sweet Z, all the days of your life and know that you are loved by many. Happy First Birthday!
Love always,
Mom
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