Concession

A while back - pre dissertation-blogging-days but since I have had this blog - I posted about enjoying the processes of things.  I believe it was related to my learning to like running.  I still remember the particular run, the thoughts running through my head (pun unrealized until I re-read this) and the epiphany I had.

Unlike that experience, this is much less of an epiphany and more of a concession.  It can no longer be an epiphany if I know what it is I'm about to realize.  I instead slowly admit that all along I've known the answer but have refused to see it.

"So," you ask, "what the hell are you talking about, Leigh?"

I'll get to that.  Hold on.

About every day for the past... 5 years (since I've passed the Bar Exam) I've thought about how I cannot wait until I finish this dissertation but simultaneously (this feeling about the time I found out I was pregnant with Samara - 8-1-09) wanting to live every moment as fully as possible.  This is probably the most antagonizing feeling to have to grapple with every day.

The simplest solution, the one I have always known and the one to which I am realizing I must concede, is that I must ACTUALLY want to live the moments of my dissertation as fully as possible.  I have, quite literally, tried praying my way through this research.  And while I'm certain there is no Biblical scripture telling me one way or the other that dissertations are not worthy of prayers, something tells me the more I pray to God to get OUT of this process, the more He embeds me in it.  And in this sense I concede not only to love the longest most intimidating process I've ever encountered, but I concede that I am growing and learning more than the subject-matter of my research.

To illustrate my stubbornness, here is my dessert list - my list of how much I wish this thing were over...

Dessert List

45. Bake!!!

44. Cook!!!

43. Put up a new basketball hoop.

42. Go on more walks.  

41. Go skiing

40. Go camping

39. Consider consolidating my email inboxes so that don't have seven (no joke) seven accounts to check

38.  Clean out my email inboxes

37. Organize a Christmas visit to NYC with mom, sis and the cousins

36. Go to Philly once a month to take master classes for the day

35. Institute a routine of bringing artwork to assisted living home

34. Donate 

33. Visit my newphew/Godson MUCH more often!

32. Sleep in, maybe?

31. Go to Opera Night at Sotto Sopra

30. Set up dates with my friends from Baltimore that I miss

29. Work longer at work so that I can be my best

28. Institute daily meditation time 

27. Join York Road Runners Club

26. Run with Kazi as much as possible.

25.  Try cross fit

24. Go to the playground and hang with the girls for as long as they want without having anything in the back of my mind.

23. Watch the movies and shows I have saved on the DVR.

22. Take piano lessons with Mari.

21. Pay attention to what GoodReads actually is because I think I would actually like it.

20. Enjoy Fantasy Football to its fullest extent

19. Learn what Candy Crush Saga is and still refuse to play it

18. Convert porch area into an inside-eating area

17. Organize my books

16. Get Federally-barred

15.  Okay - don't think I'm crazy - but write to publish. I had a very good idea for a law article today.  This will be one I don't pursue right away but I do think I would like it.

14. Email both Z and Mari at least once every other day with my thoughts on them,

us, life, God.

13. Track all of the funny stories I've posted of Samara on Facebook and either email them to her and/or put them in a book for her. (Note: this doesn't include Z because she doesn't talk yet and I hope I finish my diss. before she starts to talk...)

12. In relation to #11, gather all of my user names and passwords and put them in a list somewhere... figuring out where that place will be should be another to-do list item but we'll save it for later.

11. Figure out whether Instagram is worth my time or just another account with a password.

10. Apply as a USDOE Federal Reviewer (not a full time job, or anything.  A side-gig)

9. PINTEREST, Baby!  That's right, I've never looked KNOWING it is a time-sucker!

8. Clean out the garage

7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls

6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)

5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)

4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)

3. Write our wills, guardianship documents, etc.

2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)

1. Learn Spanish with Mari and Z