I knew this would happen - I knew the honeymoon would end. I had been sort of floating on this belief/desire to finish and having a more immediate deadline kept it fresh and relevant to me. But I also had a new routine (new job), new things to get used to: and for me, that means new energy. Simultaneously I needed to create a consistent schedule; input some structure. And while I'm sure I'm not the only one, I feel sort of ridiculous for how often I chide myself for being so inconsistent, so wishy washy, so needy but so unwilling to ask for help... I mean, who would I ask for help anyways? At this point, I have all the structures and supports in place, it is the damned writing that needs to be done.
I am an extremist - I am either wide awake or dozing off; exercising every day or taking a one-month (or more) sabbatical; up early and to bed late or up late and to bed early. And in this case: writing every day or not at all. I've fallen into a not at all. Which is killer. Killer. I no longer hate my dissertation. I've come to terms with it in that I need to finish it and it will get done but somehow those cheers last until about 8:30pm when I "conveniently" find other tasks -no joke; seriously- just as important but tasks I might have gotten done at other points of the day.
And the extremist in me knew that the moment I conceded that I could not get this done in my 75 day challenge - the minutes after typing that I couldn't meet my 2013 challenge - the seconds after I decided working out would be allowable in my schedule... that I would lose focus; that my social calendar would fill up (whose doesn't during the holidays - sheesh, it is crazy!); that my dissertation would - once again - be an ole ball n' chain that I drag around constantly reminding me of what I've not yet done, and smothering me with guilt every day I fail to write.
Luckily, I joined a PhD forum that promotes a week of accountability each month. There is just enough "spice" to it that it is something new that gets me going, but it is also a constant, monthly event that I can plan. http://www.phdforum.co.uk/ in case anyone would like to see what it's about. So, I got done tonight what I should have gotten done about a week ago, but I won't let that derail me. I will work throughout this week - day by day - and will take it for what it's worth. Life is a constant struggle and this dissertation lends me no release to such a theory.
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