Quite honestly one of the very few benefits I can muster from the prolonged process of dissertation writing is that I do not have to pay back the loans... right away. Loan deferment. A BIG ELLIPSES. That's the only perk I can find. And really, that is a bittersweet sentiment at most since I don't LIKE the idea of accumulating debt.
This weekend is devoted to Dissertation House - this program offers a lot for students working to complete their dissertations, but for the purposes of this blog, it is about these students dissecting their lives, finding areas they need to improve in order to make time, and in the end: committing to their dissertations.
I recently thought I had developed a medical issue. I am unable to really explain this occurrence in too much detail but let's just say, these past few days I was able to examine my life as if I had a chance to do some things all over again. It scared the crap out of me because of all the time that would be lost, all the things I would have to re-do, buy, etc. On the flip side of the coin, I realized how many new opportunities I would have, how many things missed in the passed that I would be able to embrace and enjoy.
But it was a false alarm; a scare; a loss: bittersweet, done. Closed chapter.
And it got me thinking. It made me think about what I have. What I am PAYING for as I do this dissertation. I've written on this before, it's nothing new - all the time I miss; all the things I give up. But I suppose it's good to make wounds fresh to hurt us and to remind us what is really at stake.
Promptly after this feeling, I could not GET to Mackenzie fast enough. I had seen her for one half of one hour today - that was it. Nothing more. And the truth is that I see her less than 3 hours each weekday. Of course it's 11pm at night. She's not awake. I can't see her smile or hear her laugh. But I can watch her breathe and pray; pray hard; pray long - for her, for me, for us.
When I started this graduate school endeavor in 2004, my calculations on what I would miss included lost time to dance, lost time to exercise, lost time to walk the dogs, lost time with Tim, lost sleep. Tim and I got married and Tim moved much higher up on the list. Samara came along and she joined him... remember though, I'm still trying to get work done amidst this. I sort of always thought I'd have my next kid with more time on my hands but it didn't happen that way, and that's fine. I have always been able to objectively analyze how I spend my time and why. And that is a good thing or else I'd have quit a long time ago.
But tonight was emotional. Tonight was an urgency of time lost, time I will miss, time gone forever. I could feel Mackenzie pulling at my heartstrings as I absorbed my mind's image of her slumber. And while fairness has nothing to do with it, it isn't fair, and I'm tired, and I'm done with this, but I did this, and it was my choice, and it is my fault, and
it
won't
be
over
until
I
make
it
over.
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