Great Expectations

An eager young woman married an amazing young man and expected life to go on.

She expected to start a family
She expected to have a baby
She did not expect that her family would not right away begin.
She did not expect that the day before Western medicine would attempt to assist her, she would learn that she already had a little baby growing inside her.

She expected pregnancy would be fun, and it was...
She did not expect that pregnancy would be scary, and it was...
She did not expect the vulnerability a woman experiences when pregnant,
She did not expect the strength a woman experiences when pregnant.

She did not expect labor to be... so laborious
She did not expect labor to be... so...what it was.
She expected to see her baby and love tremendously
She expected to see her baby and recognize immediately

She did not expect her baby to have so much HAIR :-)

She expected the nights to be hard
She did not expect the days to be so hard as well
She expected to grow deeper in love with the baby every day

She expected that she and her baby would love each other
She did not expect the love to grow so exponentially with each smile exchanged
She did not expect the love to change to produce such fear when things got overwhelming
She did not expect that she would change so much because of the love

She expected there to be anger and frustrations and fights
She did not expect the confusion of differing perspectives
She did not expect the desire to demand sensibility
She did not expect to be the source of the anger and frustration

She expected that she would teach her daughter lessons

She did not expect her daughter to teach her lessons

She expected life to teach her daughter lessons

She did not expect life to change so drastically each day

She expected her baby would always come back to her

She did not expect to develop such a deep friendship

She did not expect to be vulnerable to her daughter's expectations of her

She simply did not expect

She did not expect to need her baby so much
She did not expect the excitement of driving home to see her baby
She did not expect the disappointment of missing seeing her baby
She did not expect the need for her baby to need her.

She did not expect to rely on her baby
She did not expect that her life would start and end with her baby
She did not expect how much it would hurt her when her baby was in pain
She did not expect to be so happy herself when her baby was happy

She did not expect to expect so much.

She expected love, but not this deep
She expected connection, but not this strong
She expected laughter, but not so loud
She expected fulfillment, but not so full

She would like to wish her sweet, beautiful daughter a wonderful, happy seventh birthday.

To my Daughters, Niece, Nephew, and Global Friends

Hi.

Let's start there. "Hi."  Let's start with the fact that for today, for now, nothing will change for better or for worse.

So, friends: many angry, scared people voted for someone who seems, himself, to be angry and probably some would say scared too... And their votes outnumbered those who voted for a lady who believed in equality, justice, fairness, and choice.

It's a hard pill to swallow.  I remember when I studied abroad in South Africa sixteen years ago and many people I encountered asked me, "Why did you bomb Afghanistan?"  My answer each time was that "I, personally, did not bomb Afghanistan; I did not vote for the person who made the decision to bomb Afghanistan; and I did not support the fact that our government moved forward in that action."  But the absolute beauty of the American government is that I was allowed to say that.

I have a feeling I'll be saying a similar shpiel for the next four years, to those I know in other countries who will ask, "Why did America vote for Donald Trump?"  Please know that my response is, "I did not vote for Donald Trump and many people did not vote for Donald Trump and America has this complicated electoral college voting system..."

Now: to the specifics, and particularly to my dear Samara, it's time to apologize: I'm so very sorry.  I haven't told you yet about the outcome of this very divisive election within our country.  You lie sleeping in your bed for now.  I am worried.  I am concerned.  For when I tell you, I fear you will do as you always do when President-Elect Trump's name is mentioned: you ask about "The Wall" and your friends and who will be allowed to stay in this country and who will have to leave and whether your family is safe..." and on and on and on.  And because I tell you as much of the truth as I think that you can handle, I will have to say, "I am sorry that I do not have those answers and I do not know."

In fact, Daughters, Niece, Nephew and Global Friends, the truth is who knows what will happen now? So many people voted for Trump so as to avoid a liberal choice for Supreme Court Justice.  President-Elect Trump says he has a list of twenty.  Who will he recommend and will the Senate agree?  So many people voted for Trump because he promised a specific amount in tax returns. This will take more than his doing and will Congress allow it?  Remains to be seen.  So many people voted for him because he promised to do away with Obamacare.  With a Republican-led Senate, I think that is likely to happen.  For this, I grieve, although I know many business-owners will welcome the lifted burden.

What I do know is what I can do.  I can pray each day for our law makers and our Nation's new executive officer, President-Elect Trump. I can continue to give back to my community, of my time and with my pocket. I can respectfully exercise my right to disagree, and seek solace in supporting any American values that remain in our country.

Daughters, Niece, Nephew and Global Friends: keep the faith. I'm not saying that in the next four years various rights and privileges for which people have worked and fought very hard won't disappear.  But with little else to do: let's keep the faith; let's pray; and let's see what President-Elect Donald Trump is really made of.

On Aging

I turned 36 yesterday.  In past years,  people would ask, "How does it feel to be a year older?"  I'd always say, "No different.  Age is just a number."

I'd be lying if I said that this year.  I feel so very different from past years - emotionally and physically.

Three physical changes come to mind: 1. My joints ache very badly, I'm developing bunions, and I found my first strand of white hair.  But in the end, I can take these physical ailments because I really am enjoying growing, which requires the passage of time, and therefore aging.

And this year has been extraordinarily emotional: I finished my second graduate degree, my husband sat for his national board certification examination (completing his certification coursework) and my daughter embarked on her education journey (although as we know, kids start learning from the minute they are born).  At 36 I'm opening up a new chapter of a book unwritten and am completely excited!!

But most striking in my mind, each and every single day, is the constant question of what the hell is happening in this world.  I've observed that most people I know become bolder in their opinions as they get older.  My Memere, bless her heart, is a great example of one who wears her opinions on her sleeve and will exclaim such at any moment, to my horror, as the subject of said comment is often within earshot.  My mother, also bless her heart, has always warned me to stop her from doing that... although the one or two times she's said something shocking, and I've exclaimed such shock, she's waved it away... much like her mother.  (Sorry mom!!)    But in the end, I prefer direct, honest interactions, rather than passive aggressive games and lies.  I think that is why I love talking with people who have age on their side - those in their 70s, 80s and 90s are some of the people I love talking with most and who teach me so much.  (A huge thank you to my mother: as an administrator of a nursing home, she would bring me to work - a true appreciation of older generations was borne there).

Such boldness, however, is very different from the complete candor I observe in politics.  And I don't quite know what to do with it all.  The new "wave" of politics is honesty, right?  "Saying it like it is."  And so, I don't have a problem with that.  What truly baffles me, and what really breaks my heart, is that "like it is" is so mean-spirited.  The "honest politics" of today portray very selfish messages.  "Mine" "Not in My Backyard" "Distrust" "Fear."

My Uncle Guy's recent FB post explains my opinion perfectly,

"I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality... I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I will "sit at the table with my enemies," "turn the other cheek" "treat those as I would like to be treated" and "love others unconditionally."  That is an outlook for ALL humans, regardless of national boundary.  God made the world, God did not just make America.  I am painstakingly aware of (and forever grateful for those who have died for) the freedoms, rights and privileges granted to me by virtue of the fact that I was born in this country, as a white female born into a suburban middle class.  I am also painstakingly aware that millions of other less-fortunate people in this world could have been born into my place in life but were not - they live bound by the laws and rules of other countries, and/or are oppressed by the unequal treatment of those with mental, physical, racial, religious difference not "acceptable" by so many people of the world.

On aging. On perspective.  On life. I will continue to hope for more because I know that there is so much about the world that is wonderful.  If we broaden our perspective beyond the protection of our purse-strings and investments and benefits we might learn that the true gem in life is acceptance.

Student Debt

It
Is
Over...

Finally.

I finished my degree.  Exactly four months ago from today I defended my dissertation successfully.

Before I commence blabbing about insights on this accomplishment, I need to renew my thanks to EVERYONE who supported me over the past nine years as I trudged through the process of getting my doctorate.

So: to blabbing:

I have so much more time now, right?

No.

I'm in debt.  Not just student financial debt, but the type of student "social" debt that accumulates when you forego one family / social event after another in order to research, draft, edit and revise 400 plus pages of data - over and over again for years.

Remember my post (probably a year ago from now, if not longer) when I attempted to write down one activity I wanted to accomplish, When My Dissertation's Done (WMDD) for each additional day I worked on my dissertation?  Well, it's come due... but the truth is I have not even looked at it because I'm still "righting my ship."

Aside from the Saturdays and Sundays I spent on the dissertation (now completely claimed by my children, sorry) I only had "free time" from 9pm to 12am... and that is taken up with exercise or sleep.

I am not teaching tap classes, or choreographing plays, or joining another Board of Directors.  I am simply finding those people that I've left behind and making sense of our relationships again.

I live oh so in the moment with my girls.  I sit with them and read to them and play with them and talk with them. I dream with my daughter, with bittersweet excitement, of her first day of Kindergarten as we laugh and talk about how much fun it will be.  I appreciate the milestone accomplishments of my younger daughter that I somehow missed with my older.

I am not DOING anything but trying to BE more.  I owe a lot.  I owe so very much to my girls.  I will be with them 100% for the student careers.  I have a lot of debt to pay off.

I do not whine - kids whine.

I've had the privilege - I do actually mean "privilege"- of experiencing two extraordinarily different processes to obtaining a doctorate: the juris doctorate ("JD") and the doctorate of philosophy ("PhD").  I started my pursuit of the JD in 2004; the PhD in 2006.  I finished my JD, as a full-time employee/part-time student, in 2008 and passed the Bar Exam during the same year.  After coursework, a comprehensive exam and a field exam, I started my proposal work for my PhD in 2009, defended my proposal in 2012... and, well, await the defense process for the dissertation.

In discussion with the few folks who have the ability to explain the difference between two, I've been told that the JD is a sprint while the PhD is a marathon.  This analogy is, for the most part, true of the JD - everything is scripted for you - take this number of credits, focus on these classes, graduate, etc. - and then from Memorial Day of one year to the end of July of the same year, you put aside everything for which you have any concern and you LIVE and BREATHE the law.  You study as if you have no other care in the world, and it is best if you truly don't.  If you're lucky, and I do mean that since plenty of brilliant people I know did not pass the Bar Exam the first time, you pass the Exam and can go back to the people you love to take on what may be a new career path. And for the most part, that was the JD process for me. I could not drop everything since I was working full time, but with no children at the time, and little else on my plate, that was my focus.

The PhD, for me however, has NOT been a marathon.  Paralleling my academic path, as some of you may know is this: in 2006 I moved from Maryland to Pennsylvania (creating a long commute); in 2007 I got married; in 2008 I changed jobs; in 2010 I changed jobs, had my first daughter, and lost a very good friend of mine; in 2011 I lost my grandfather, in 2012 I had my second daughter; in 2013 I changed jobs and in 2014 I lost my grandmother (and any hope of defending the dissertation).

I would like to point out, before you read any further, that my path is not unlike any other person getting their PhD who is mid-career.  Yes, many people do not have a JD under their belt already, but for most of the people who I meet who are trying to complete their PhD - for those at higher education institutions where the PhD is something to work for rather than spoon-fed - the process has been long and the years of life changes have been huge stumbling blocks.

Given these stumbling blocks, I've decided the PhD is NOT a marathon... it is a Tough Mudder: filled with obstacles.  The Tough Mudder is a 10-12 mile obstacle course designed to test all-around strength, stamina, teamwork and mental grit.  I should point out that I've done four Tough Mudders and zero marathons (I had a marathon planned for June 2015, but due to dissertation-extension, it's been taken off my calendar).  Any conjecture I make as to how the Tough Mudder is harder than a marathon is merely conjecture. So yes, I imagine that a marathon is hard because it is long and requires all of the qualities listed for the Tough Mudder.

Here's the thing: a marathon is 26.2 miles; sit in traffic on any one highway for long enough and you'll be reminded through someone's bumper sticker.  I would imagine, that as you run a marathon there is some idea - if not through a runner's app such a MapMyRun - of where you are on the course and how long you have left until you reach 26.2 miles.  Conversely, notice how the description of the Tough Mudder says, "a 10-12 mile obstacle course..."  So you don't know when you start, nor while you are completing it, for how long you'll be on this obstacle course.  Now, I suppose for someone seasoned to run 26.2 miles, a measly 10 OR 12 miles is nothing.  But for me, who completed her first Tough Mudder when 3 miles was a big deal, 10 miles seemed like forever and 12 miles seemed impossible.

And that mental grit mentioned is exactly what I did NOT have.  My first Tough Mudder was really awful.  Probably - I guess - at about the six-mile marker I just wanted it to be done and rather than DO the obstacles and be in the moment, I spent the entire rest of the course wishing for it to be over... So, the obstacles vary - leaping over fire, carrying logs on your shoulder while ascending a steep ski slope, jumping off high planks, running through live wire, 3-mile trail runs, etc. etc.  That very first Tough Mudder I took was hard for me because I had NO IDEA WHEN IT WOULD END.  I had no idea if I was three miles through, seven miles through or around the corner from the finish line.

So this, folks, is why a dissertation is like a Tough Mudder. I have no damned idea when it will be over. I was told that upon giving it to my Chair, and upon his approval to send it to my Committee, and upon my readers' approval that I would defend, edit, submit graduation paperwork and be on my merry way, across the stage and into PhD-dom.   Ever since I gave that 400-page document to my Chair - June 2014 - I have had no control over the process and not a clue when it will end.  My Chair took two months just to get me substantive feedback, which was mostly positive, and then took his time giving me permission to send to my Committee "at my own risk."  From there, it seems there have been some academic disputes over the scope, direction and focus of my work that my readers and Chair continue to discuss.  I wait. I get feedback, apply, and wait again.

In the end I hope that this is a 12-mile Tough Mudder course and that I'm at mile ten.  The title of this blog, "I do not whine - kids whine," is one of the elements of the pledge we're required to state prior to the race (after having honored wounded warriors).  The other four are: I understand that Tough Mudder is not a race, but a challenge; I put teamwork and comaraderie before my course time; I help my fellow mudders complete the course; I overcome all fears.

And it's true: I've embraced these five pledge elements in my life as a part of this dissertation: I have learned that this is NOT a race but a very difficult learning, academic process.  I have learned much from this, about my life, my priorities and who I am. While I would like to finish soon I have to keep my family going and learn to balance my priorities to keep everyone happy (and sane).  I have met great people who I have helped and who have helped me, as we all try and finish this process some day soon.  And I have overcome fears. I have confronted failure; I have confronted giving up; but more importantly, I have learned that I have to confront those who disagree with me on something VERY personal to me (not a case I've read that affects a client). I have had to defend my personal work that encompasses five years of blood, sweat, tears and sacrifice.

I should point out that my second Tough Mudder was AWESOME! I knew not to expect an end, I had trained to run 13 miles so that 12 miles wouldn't seem so bad, and I embraced each obstacle course. I LOVED it!!

At the end of the Tough Mudder you get a free beer, along with a sweatband and a lot of muddy clothes.  After this first Tough Mudder I also got bad shin splints which required a boot for six months.  At the end of this dissertation, I'll have the label of "doctor" and a lot of student loans to start paying off.  What I take away from both of these experiences are more than physical and it is for this reason I'm not going to rush the label of "doctor" any more.  I'll take it one day at a time knowing that there is no other way to deal with an experience that has no definite end.

Getting Even

So here it is.  August.

There are few ways I imagined this month of August 2014.
1. In a huge stroke of luck I would have already defended my dissertation and would be making my edits this month.
2. I would have sent my dissertation edits to my committee and would be awaiting the responses from my committee members, preparing to defend any day.
3. I would have my edits back from my Chair and would be preparing to send the draft to my committee.
4. Etc., etc., etc.

Here is what is actually happening.  My Chair's life is just a little bit overwhelming for him right now (not to sound dramatic but it is unfair for me to air his personal life in cyberspace so I'll just leave it at that) and he cannot meet my preferred deadlines.

Yes. I'm paying tuition for another semester in which I'll receive little if any instruction.

But it's time to get even.  I await his edits but there is so much more in my life that matters.  And all along there has been so much more in my life that has mattered but I've been unable to really overcome the speed bump of a dissertation that's been in my way.  I think my self-pity for getting in over my head caused me to wallow.  It is great to encounter so many people who have read about my diss-journey via Facebook.  At least once a day someone asks me how it is going.  And frankly, a part of me is embarrassed that I needed the pressure of setting public deadlines in order to get my butt in gear.  But it is what it is.

And it's time to get even.

No.   I'm no angry.  I'm not settling the score with anyone.  It's time to even out my life that has been so damned weighed down with one single topic.  It's time to BE with family.  It's time to WORK at work.  It's time to FOCUS on those things that matter.  And there is so much that matters.

If July is a sign of how much I can catch up on the things that need to be done in my house, it's a good sign.  It's a very odd thing to have "free" time but it isn't free.  There is so much to do.  So many people to payback and BE with and KNOW.  There are two little ones who have waited so long for Saturdays with me - and they have been WONDERFUL Saturdays.  There are trips to see my nephew awaiting me.  There is a basement to be cleaned and a house to be renovated and bills to be filed and memories to be documented.  That is what 2014 is about for me.  Getting even.  Finding balance.  Living.  Being.

And yes.  Waiting.  It'll come - that day when I get edits, make edits, send off my diss.  It's not yet.  But I'm okay with that too.

Tunnel Vision

I have not forgotten about this writing platform.  It crosses my mind but most often I think, "I have so little time and so many other things about which to write, let's put that on hold."  And then, something irksome just hits me, sticks with me, and won't let me go.  So I write.

For eleven months I have put most of my life aside so I can get out of the way something I wish I had never let it - that is no secret.  My jealous mistress - the diss. - waits in the wings, breathes down my neck, and reminds me incessantly that "she" is my priority.  And she has to be - or else I don't think I could handle what is required of me to actually complete this ginormous undertaking.  So while I have a huge desire to support my marriage, raise my children, further my career, visit my family and contribute my time and talents to my community, I am locked into an academic vortex.  Tunnel vision.

Another part of this lifestyle is acting completely apathetic to the cares and concerns around me.  It is not intentional but I cannot attend every birthday party, every jewelry party, every gym class or every fundraiser.  THIS part of the equation is not new to me - I have been in graduate school for ten years (law school) and have gotten well-versed in this exchange.

In order to keep this tunnel vision I am blessed: I live so far away from a huge portion of my family that I can, quite literally, avoid all family stressors.  But then again, I am cursed: I live so far away from a huge portion of my family that I cannot, quite literally, be involved.

I don't know what is hardest to learn: my grandmother is confused about a huge life change over which she has no control; or my mother is distraught over a huge life change over which she has control but knows what's best.  I don't know what is hardest to accept: I cannot drive over to my grandmother and play cards with her and give her a hug; or I can't have coffee with my mother to let her talk out her frustrations and give her a hug.  I don't know what is hardest to realize: I can't offer any help to any single one of my family members. at. all; or that I must continue to focus solely on myself in order to get myself out of this mess and move on with my life.

My mother has always been my rock.  She is my rock because she is strong, solid, smart and spiritual.  I have no delusions of her weaknesses - I can't say I know them all but I know they are there. What I wish is that I didn't have to have tunnel vision.  What I wish is that I could be someone on which she could rely.  What I wish is that her sentiments weren't so on point. (http://lampandlighthouse.blogspot.com/2014/04/an-issue-of-heart.html?spref=fb)  What I wish is that life weren't so messy.  I wish for her what I wish for my children - that I can get out of this and give 100% more to everyone.

In All Fairness

Today was great for a variety of reasons.  Good office day; good dissertation day: nothing about which to complain.  But it was also a crappy day.  It was my only week night at home with my family - supposed to be good, right?  And maybe I put too much stock in that.  Because the nights when I am home I feel I need to not only see my children and be with them, but also tidy a bit, take over as much as possible for dinner, do the laundry, sort through the mail... you know, everything else.

And maybe it is less about what time I have, but more about how I see the time that others have, and the - yup - jealously - I have...  See my day is this:
5am: Diss.
7am: Get myself and girls ready and off to school.
8am-5pm (or later): Work.
5pm, if schedule allows: Get girls and go home.
5:30pm: come home, tidy up from the other days/nights I've not been around, try to change out of work clothes quickly, make sure I'm reading everything from the pre-school so I don't miss a beat, read mail, pay bills, do laundry, etc.
6pm: Dinner.
6:30pm: Dishes.
7pm: Read a draft of something while I watch Sesame Street with girls.
8pm: bed time with girls
8:30pm: diss or work-work until 11pm.
Then bed.

So let's break this down a bit - just a bit.  What do you think is the most valuable part of my day? 7-8am and 5-8pm - the time with my family (four hours).  But do you see what I have to do during those times?  I am rushing the girls in the morning and in the evening I'm herding them here and there to tidy and put things away and try and read them books out loud while rushing around to read mail, pay bills, do laundry... yadda yadda yadda.

I'm not a single mother; I'm not in an unfulfilling marriage.  I'm blessed with a husband who is an amazing father.  I'm a happy career woman and I manage my time well.  But today I come home and - again my ONLY night home - I do all the things that ease my guilt about being gone many nights... and I completely missed time with my girls.

Whether this is a gender thing... I do not know, but I pose this question: For fathers who work late/often, when they are home do they do housework or do they spend time with their children?  Is it my own complex of what causes guilt that is getting in my way and causing me to clean away the time I should spend with my children?  And none of that can matter because any night home is my night to give Tim a break from the large responsibility he has every other night (where, by the way, clutter piles up).

It is likely that this post is my own type of therapy, to explain why the girls hardly paid any attention to me tonight but instead clung to my husband; why when it was time for bed one chose my husband over me, and why the other child is acting out all over the place.

I'm not going to make much more of this but I wanted to write it all out.  This is temporary - at least to this extent.  I know my girls, love them, they love me, etc.  I'm not worried.  But the nights that don't work out in my favor are nights I'd rather not experience.

Lesson?  I should just stop cleaning  :-)

FROM FAT (Tuesday) to FOCUS to FORWARD to FINISHED

So truth is, I'm just writing this post because it's been a while and I should let you know I'm still "here."  It's FAT Tuesday today.  I'm psyched more than normal because this means today I might really go a little crazy with the calories.  Tomorrow, Lent begins and I'm going to put my best foot forward to make this a Lent that counts.

If, as I have for the past nine months or so, I treat this dissertation as part of God's plan for me, than to really devote myself to the life I have - which is a life where I have a family I cherish and a job that really matters to me - I must FOCUS.  I must hunker down and get through this.  It means I must also continue to spend as much, and a little bit more, time at work maintaining that part of my life too.  And you do the math: a lot of time on dissertation + more time at work = REAL attention to my family as to how I can make the time I DO have with them, count the most.

And still I'm going to try, with absolutely no promises, to workout a little bit.  Lord knows I want to, I know what to do, what classes to take, when and where they take place, etc. but I've put dissertation and work first - because I have to.  I've been spending 2 to 6 hours outside of the typical work day on this dissertation and/or work projects - more on Saturdays and Sunday.  But still, I am going to try a one-mile challenge for all of Lent.  While I've maintained my weight, I do have some weight to lose and I've gone no where in the past month in that regard.  And while this is a time for me to focus on my job and my dissertation, I think 15 minutes per day to get ready, run and cool down really is a length of time I can sacrifice.  Best part is, I'll feel good; I'll feel HUMAN again.  My six flight-climb and descent every day isn't quite cutting it; and no matter how far away I park I just end up late and flustered :-)

In the past I've picked deadlines, counted down to the end of this dissertation endeavor, and then made up excuses as to why the deadline wasn't met at that particular time.  A huge reason for this is that I've made those projections without the input of my Chair.  And see, he is where my metaphorical (and I suppose actual, if you count tuition) "buck stops."  If he don't like it, don't no one like it.  And actually, that is a good thing - he will not let me step into that defense room until he HE is willing to defend my dissertation.  While I do have a date in mind, for now, I'll get through Lent putting my best foot forward to FOCUS.  I have 40 days and 40 nights.  Hint: That is JUST under half of the number of days I envision until I submit my draft to my committee.  If I can make this 40 days count, maybe I'll be on the better side of this (as in FINISHED) come the second half of 2014...

Love is…

A note from your husband telling you he can’t wait for you to finish your dissertation for selfish reasons – that he’d like to spend time with you again.  And while I know that is true, I suspect that my finishing would be pleasant for him because he would no longer be a single dad for most of the week.  To him, my finishing soon would mean that I could either work late at night or early in the morning or all weekend – not all three, every day, every week, endlessly.

And if, for one minute, I allow myself to bask in the glory of that wonderful message – that my husband, my best friend, is getting impatient to spend time with me again – I am vulnerable to an increasingly apparent fact in my life:  I am so damned lucky.   It is a vulnerability of sorts because I do, in fact, have everything in the world that I want.  And to finish this large project and be with my family, to finally be a part of their growth, love, laughter, cries, frustrations… phew!  Awesomeness.

Folks, the best part is: I’m on track for the deadline I set a month ago.  It hasn’t been easy – I wake at 4:30am, go to bed at midnight, and work all day Saturday.  I no longer go to the gym.  I sometimes have to do work instead of research, but I’m still on track and that is what counts.  I’m not revealing my deadline because I feel that the I sort of get jinxed every time I do, but I’m close enough that I think I’ll be confident to tell you in March.  And at this rate, that may be the next time I post.

Love is… the best family in the world – beyond my husband, of course – but especially my husband.

Relative Fun

I’m here and it’s time to hold true to my promise.  And as anyone who’s been “following” my experience can attest, holding true to my promise has been difficult. I’ve not done it.   I started counting down 100 days so that I’d be done with my diss. sometime in December 2013.  Then it was sometime in April 2014.  I’ve been having trouble truly gauging the time it takes for me to finish tasks.  The truth is that it was and will be neither.   I have an idea of when but I’m no longer going to publish it until I get a better sense of how I spend my time.  I realize that for most people this has become similar to the boy crying wolf… no one really considers what I promise because I’ve yet to deliver.

And so now I’m here and it’s time to hold true to my promise.  Where am I?  Aruba.  What promise?  To continue to work on my dissertation every day while I’m here. “Give yourself a break.”  “Take time off.”  “Get some rest.”  “Enjoy time with your family.”  I’ve heard it all for almost ten years (I started law school in the fall of 2004 and haven’t been out of graduate school since).  But I listen to none of it.  In fact, those statements got me into this mess.  There is always something in which I could participate that “means something.”  Every single day I make the trade off.  And so what?  I’m here in a tropical place typing on a computer.  I’m working.  Yup, I am.

I’m here with relatives and it’s fun, so yes, “Relative Fun.”  But I’m here having fun while working, so arguably fun is relative because I AM working.  And it is what I’m going to do until I’m done with this dissertation.  I’m making progress though. I look back and think about all of my bad habits, my well-intentioned “breaks,” the vacations, the family-time:  I see how I got in this situation.

I’ve done 2 hours of work today, already, and this is only my first full day here.  That is more than I sometimes get in a day at home if I work late at my job.  I don’t want to break these habits.  This is about being done.  This is about investing time.  This IS about having fun with my family some day, some time, uninhibited, guiltless…but not now.  My girls understand and frankly they’ve never known differently.  This is my relative fun and it’s what I’ve got and what I’ve known for almost ten years. 

Don’t worry though – this is my first full football game I’ve seen this entire year – GO PATS!

Repent

I just got to work but I'm going to take about ten minutes to get these thoughts out.  While this blog has recently been dedicated to the trials and tribulations of my dissertation writing, I am going to "get religious on you."

I'm currently fasting.  While it is a very difficult type of fast (no meat, dairy, sugar, alcohol, caffeine, or processed foods - try cooking for your family when you can even lick your fingers ONCE!) I actually really enjoy it and look forward to it.  I'm on day 6 which means I've gotten over the blood-sugar low of days 2 & 3.

But while I am fasting my belly, so to speak, the point is really to find a focus for prayer with God.  And anyone who has read this blog or talked to me about what I do in my free time would know what my focus is: my dissertation, duh.  And specifically, my focus for worship with God, for this year's fast, is how I stay motivated.  Anyone who has read my posts on this blog or on FB would know that I am a manic graduate student - up and down; it'll get done, it'll never get done.

Meanwhile, I've been gaining weight.  What does this have to do with anything?  Well, I wish "nothing" but the problem is "everything."  I am such a balanced character, and maybe it is because I grew up learning my academic and studying skills while dancing 15 hours a week, that I cannot find the time to write if I don't balance it with exercise.  I cannot separate the brain function of thinking and brainstorming with the necessity of adrenaline from a good workout.  Otherwise, I find myself square in front of the television mentally harping on who I am, what I am doing, my waste of time, episode after episode.

So today I read my daily devotion for the Daniel Fast and it was about the word "repent."  While it is usually used to "be sorry" it can also mean "to reconsider or think differently."  Another blog I read about dissertation-writing is entitled, "Old ideas and new perspectives."  Add that to the fact that I have somehow found a way to exercise and write (and raise my family and work my job) and I would say that God is helping me to repent; the fast is helping me to take my old ideas and apply new perspectives. 

It's Day 4. Here's to hoping (I say that a lot, I know) I can keep this up and that this blog is not just another "high" in my manic graduate student career.

#thedanielfast #lelizlaw

The Stress of "Blessed"

It is the scariest thing in the world to know you have everything you could ever want.  Because one day, something will go away; something will come; something will change.

I never quite know what to say when my daughter cheers at the sight of the ambulance or the fire truck.  DO NOT mistake me: these emergency responders are heroes.  But their presence leads me to believe the obvious: someone is in trouble.  And I am fully aware that my blessings are so great that I should only expect that one day, a call to me will be made to say that that ambulance is helping someone important to me.

And why is it that I have an uncomfortable tickle in my gut whenever Tim is 10 minutes late?  I am not a worry wart.  But I do, to some extent, prepare myself for something that only seems natural for someone who has everything anyone could want: loss.  It makes sense: if your sum total is 100, and that is the maximum sum possible, the only direction is down - a loss.

For the most part, it keeps me grounded, humble and responsive.  This feeling reminds me to allow Kenzie to shove in every single caloric French fry in my mouth, at the expense of my hip measurement.  It encourages me to spend 30 minutes putting Samara to bed when it is really only a ten minute process.  This feeling tells me that I have everything; be not only thankful, but prepared.

And there is nothing more to say.  No conclusion; no solution.  I know God will only give me as much as I can handle and I truly do not know how I will handle the loss that is inevitable.  Images flash of the cries that will tear my body apart upon the loss of my husband, children, parents or sisters.  And I suppose the loss that occurs in only the natural way - death brought on by age - will maybe be less painful but the pain will still be there: ripe and raw.

Rounding the corner... of the octagon

I'm happy to be posting this.  I feel as if I've made some really good strides in the scheme of this thing... I mean, I've contacted 10 states and the U.S. Dept. of Ed. for interviews - seven of those folks got back to me within one week, which I consider amazing.  While I had a difference of opinion with my Chair, I persisted in the avenue I felt would benefit me best, he conceded, and I moved forward with a consent process.  And I finalized a draft of my case study which I had revised significantly in response to my Chair's feedback.

It could all fall through; it could all just fall apart.  Some states may not respond, may not call me back or may not provide useful data.  That would be the best case scenario in thinking of how things could go wrong.  I may not be approved to do these interviews.  While not entirely the worst thing in the world, it will result in a lot of paperwork and time consumption.  Not entirely what I want to do.  And I could find out that I completely misunderstood my Chair's feedback and he might just throw my case study back in my face.  As long as the feedback is constructive, I don't really mind, I suppose.

In the end, I've rounded a corner.  If I were taking a walk around the block, I'd say I'd be halfway there...  But there are a lot of corners to the dissertation process.  You have to pass 2 72-hour exams, which I did so long ago I don't remember when - pre-children, I'll put it that way.  You have to select a worthy topic.  That's a HARD one (and the one I struggled with most and sort of regret not reconsidering at this point but oh well)  You have to write the proposal; then you must defend the proposal. 

That was me as of January 2012.  I'd taken four turns around the corner.  Four steps forward.  And then I sort of stalled; for a year and a half, minus a couple of months of work that in the end I had to throw out (for various reasons).

To get started again I had to sort of retrace my steps around those initial corners to even know what I was doing.  That took some time. And ever since I've been trying to collect data. I've been trying to solidify the format and direction of my case studies. I've been working on interview questions 

And those attempts have turned into concrete products that I've recently pushed out to other people for their feedback and opinion.  This is big.  This is good.

I have a long way yet to go - many more corners to turn in the octagonal boxing ring which encompasses the fight of my life.  I have to complete 9 more case studies MUCH MUCH more quickly if I'm to graduate in May. I've got to conduct 11 interviews, write them up and incorporate them into my case studies.  I have to analyze the results of the case studies as they relate to my research questions. I must revise my Lit Review and then write my Methodology, Intro and Conclusion; and then I must edit.

Anyways, I'm happy. I've done a lot with a long way to go.  And I don't mind.

WMDD

Nope, not a radio station, although arguably those of us trying to muster through our dissertations could really use some 24-7 inspiration.

Similar to WWJD and LMFAO, OMG and BRB (the list could go on) this acronym best captures the phrase I utter at least once per day and think at least fifty times more. 

Drum roll...  "When My Dissertation's Done."  Said often, thought SO much!

And while I say it often, I usually fail to consider how those on the receiving end of the comment feel.  But last night, an honest friend gave me a glimpse.  "You know, you really need to get this thing done.  How often are you going to say that?"

I laughed - because I prefer honesty and I too say the same thing to myself all the time.  How often do you say "after?"  I suppose I could say, "HODYSA?"

And the timeline.  Oh the ever-changing timeline and deadline and tasks to be done and... this that and the other...  The sicknesses and work-tasks, the milestones and the desire to do that which is just "every day."

It's a whirlwind to me so I can't expect anyone else to understand.  And while I don't expect everyone to care enough to understand the intricate details of my day-to-day struggles and accomplishments, I promise you those who care about my general progress and well-being are those I'll keep close to me.  And for those who wonder when the hell I'll finish this and can't wait around to find out, that's fine.  Just like law school, I'll learn who my friends are.

And I try hard not to talk about it too much - God forbid.  But if the conversation is about "when" something will happen, what do you expect my answer to be?

This is an extraordinarily long process that I debate having ever started but will muster through to the end. You may join me, if you'd like,  I'll be there, I promise - WMDD.   :-)

I blame Sesame Street

It's time for a blog post - been a while - and I have no idea where to start.  I have not entirely much to add to the world of readership and bloggerhood.  I have plenty of whines and cries, aches and sorrows - "boo hoo, Leigh.  The world is falling apart in so many ways and you're worried about how you can add to the scholarly world by writing a piece of crap that means nothing to very few people."

And while this entire process is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do in life - something that has not come to me through luck, persistence or skill - it isn't really that hard.  I mean, the endeavor in and of itself: the dissertation document.  I've been smart enough [note cynicism] to add the difficulty along the way.  And I have a great family, a wonderful life, a job I love, plenty of things to live for, a community around me I am eager to help - but it won't really be mine to have and enjoy until I get this damned thing done.

Lately I just don't care.  I could add any sweet molasses (which I hate) way of looking at this as I want, and it doesn't get me downstairs to my computer.  I'll tell you the number one culprit - Sesame Street.  For the life I me, I cannot stay awake through an entire episode.  It's my NyQuil, my drug, my excuse.  I snooze through that show, starting right around Abby's Flying Fairy School, which usually excuses me from bedtime tuck-ins with the girls because I'm snoring on the coach. I wake up around 8:30pm and I transfer myself from couch to bed and that's that.

I am contrary right now - have been for 2 weeks when it comes to working on my dissertation on week nights.  This means I refuse to glean any sort of lesson or take away point from this.  I'm mad, angry.  I think I have to try early morning wake-ups again, which means NO running for me... another thing that irks me.   But again, the world is falling apart.  It is the least I could do to shut up and deal with it.  The least I could do is stop using Sesame Street as an excuse.

Deadlines come and go

Here it is - October 15th.  Anyone remember?  Yup, Day 75 since I shifted the focus of this blog to be dissertation completion.  For the record, if I WERE doing only four states for my sample, and not ten, I'd be RIGHT on track.  And that statistic, right there, keeps me going.

I've made it back to the gym.  And boy does it feel good.  Guess who my opponent is, as I upper cut, hook, jab, and roundhouse?  The "DISS" generally, sometimes the frustration at my Chair, sometimes my frustration with my procrastination, a lot of the times the anger at "getting myself into this."  There is nothing like a sweaty interlude with the gym at 4:15am.

Finding the right method to keep me motivated and on task is a struggle for me.  Frankly, that SHOULD be the description of a dissertation - the struggle through the process.  Getting through the Bar Exam is likened to "hazing" because it is intense and quick and hardly tests you on knowledge you learned in school but is more about how you handle the pressure of information recall.   "Getting through the dissertation" with a family in your back pocket while working full time is just a cruel joke. 

Anyways, I've created a syllabus for my Case Study Section of my dissertation writing.  I have given myself a rather strict 5-week schedule in which to complete this work.  I feel it is an appropriate method - not too long term but not crash and burn.  Once complete, I will focus on my interview section, my analysis chapters, methodology and then - lo and behold - the revising the literature review and other already completed parts from my proposal.

So, here's to hoping that by Sunday, November 17th (give or take a week) I complete my Case Study Section, roughly.  The interview sections will have to be incorporated, but having the crux of the work done will be a great relief.

Loan Deferral

Quite honestly one of the very few benefits I can muster from the prolonged process of dissertation writing is that I do not have to pay back the loans... right away.  Loan deferment. A BIG ELLIPSES.   That's the only perk I can find. And really, that is a bittersweet sentiment at most since I don't LIKE the idea of accumulating debt.

This weekend is devoted to Dissertation House - this program offers a lot for students working to complete their dissertations, but for the purposes of this blog, it is about these students dissecting their lives, finding areas they need to improve in order to make time, and in the end: committing to their dissertations.

I recently thought I had developed a medical issue.  I am unable to really explain this occurrence in too much detail but let's just say, these past few days I was able to examine my life as if I had a chance to do some things all over again.  It scared the crap out of me because of all the time that would be lost, all the things I would have to re-do, buy, etc.  On the flip side of the coin, I realized how many new opportunities I would have, how many things missed in the passed that I would be able to embrace and enjoy.

But it was a false alarm; a scare; a loss: bittersweet, done. Closed chapter.

And it got me thinking.  It made me think about what I have.  What I am PAYING for as I do this dissertation.  I've written on this before, it's nothing new - all the time I miss; all the things I give up.  But I suppose it's good to make wounds fresh to hurt us and to remind us what is really at stake. 

Promptly after this feeling, I could not GET to Mackenzie fast enough. I had seen her for one half of one hour today - that was it.  Nothing more.  And the truth is that I see her less than 3 hours each weekday.  Of course it's 11pm at night.  She's not awake. I can't see her smile or hear her laugh.  But I can watch her breathe and pray; pray hard; pray long - for her, for me, for us.

When I started this graduate school endeavor in 2004, my calculations on what I would miss included lost time to dance, lost time to exercise, lost time to walk the dogs, lost time with Tim, lost sleep.  Tim and I got married and Tim moved much higher up on the list.  Samara came along and she joined him... remember though, I'm still trying to get work done amidst this.  I sort of always thought I'd have my next kid with more time on my hands but it didn't happen that way, and that's fine.  I have always been able to objectively analyze how I spend my time and why.  And that is a good thing or else I'd have quit a long time ago.

But tonight was emotional. Tonight was an urgency of time lost, time I will miss, time gone forever. I could feel Mackenzie pulling at my heartstrings as I absorbed my mind's image of her slumber.  And while fairness has nothing to do with it, it isn't fair, and I'm tired, and I'm done with this, but I did this, and it was my choice, and it is my fault, and
it
won't
be
over
until
I
make
it
over.

The Ole Ball n' Chain

I knew this would happen - I knew the honeymoon would end.  I had been sort of floating on this belief/desire to finish and having a more immediate deadline kept it fresh and relevant to me.  But I also had a new routine (new job), new things to get used to: and for me, that means new energy.  Simultaneously I needed to create a consistent schedule; input some structure.  And while I'm sure I'm not the only one, I feel sort of ridiculous for how often I chide myself for being so inconsistent, so wishy washy, so needy but so unwilling to ask for help... I mean, who would I ask for help anyways?  At this point, I have all the structures and supports in place, it is the damned writing that needs to be done.

I am an extremist - I am either wide awake or dozing off; exercising every day or taking a one-month (or more) sabbatical; up early and to bed late or up late and to bed early.  And in this case: writing every day or not at all.  I've fallen into a not at all. Which is killer.  Killer.  I no longer hate my dissertation. I've come to terms with it in that I need to finish it and it will get done but somehow those cheers last until about 8:30pm when I "conveniently" find other tasks -no joke; seriously- just as important but tasks I might have gotten done at other points of the day.

And the extremist in me knew that the moment I conceded that I could not get this done in my 75 day challenge - the minutes after typing that I couldn't meet my 2013 challenge - the seconds after I decided working out would be allowable in my schedule... that I would lose focus; that my social calendar would fill up (whose doesn't during the holidays - sheesh, it is crazy!); that my dissertation would - once again - be an ole ball n' chain that I drag around constantly reminding me of what I've not yet done, and smothering me with guilt every day I fail to write.

Luckily, I joined a PhD forum that promotes a week of accountability each month.  There is just enough "spice" to it that it is something new that gets me going, but it is also a constant, monthly event that I can plan.  http://www.phdforum.co.uk/ in case anyone would like to see what it's about.  So, I got done tonight what I should have gotten done about a week ago, but I won't let that derail me.  I will work throughout this week - day by day - and will take it for what it's worth.  Life is a constant struggle and this dissertation lends me no release to such a theory.

The Reality

In a completely NON-pessimistic way I just need to report that this day is just not going well...  And because every minute on a Saturday impacts my dissertation timeline, I am realizing I may not meet my deadline.

I am one hour's worth of work away from submitting my 1st case study.  Yet for some reason I feel compelled to write this first... And, technically this is my 3rd case study but various changes in thoughts/processes, etc. have required me to "throw out" the first 2.  I now have 9  more to complete.  If I were to take as long with the next nine as this most recent one took me, it'd take me 9 months just to do the case studies and those are my synthesized materials from which I write my results so I still have at least 6 or 7 chapters to write after that...

And as each day has passed a new work deadline, a flat tire, or my allowing Tim some "Tim-time" has come up and I can't meet my quota for the day.  The more I work on this, however, I realize more elements to the research are needed which will take longer. And with such a tight timeline I just shrug it off and say, "I'll make it happen some way."

How is "it" supposed to happen if I can't even get what is scheduled to happen?  You should see the "proposed schedule" I have for meeting my deadline.  Work on it 4am to 6am and then 8:30pm to 11:30pm.  Now, I will say, I've been lucky to commit to at least one of these time frames on a daily basis about 99% of the time, but my timeline has relied on meeting BOTH of these time frames, which is just ridiculous.   Worse, I fear that as the gap in my actual progress to my proposed progress increases I'll lose my faith in the process.

And it is exactly this "faith" in the process that I've had for the past 3 months.  I have done SO much in the past 3 months to move this thing forward...  Spiritually, mentally and physically I have made some real changes in my life. Wonderful ones, really.  Outgrowth of blessings.

In the end, my secondary deadline of finishing before my birthday will not happen with the expansion of my case studies from 4 in number to 10.  I have a much simpler plan in mind that I need to hash out.  This schedule will by no means take the urgency out of my completion but it will be more realistic.