In All Fairness

Today was great for a variety of reasons.  Good office day; good dissertation day: nothing about which to complain.  But it was also a crappy day.  It was my only week night at home with my family - supposed to be good, right?  And maybe I put too much stock in that.  Because the nights when I am home I feel I need to not only see my children and be with them, but also tidy a bit, take over as much as possible for dinner, do the laundry, sort through the mail... you know, everything else.

And maybe it is less about what time I have, but more about how I see the time that others have, and the - yup - jealously - I have...  See my day is this:
5am: Diss.
7am: Get myself and girls ready and off to school.
8am-5pm (or later): Work.
5pm, if schedule allows: Get girls and go home.
5:30pm: come home, tidy up from the other days/nights I've not been around, try to change out of work clothes quickly, make sure I'm reading everything from the pre-school so I don't miss a beat, read mail, pay bills, do laundry, etc.
6pm: Dinner.
6:30pm: Dishes.
7pm: Read a draft of something while I watch Sesame Street with girls.
8pm: bed time with girls
8:30pm: diss or work-work until 11pm.
Then bed.

So let's break this down a bit - just a bit.  What do you think is the most valuable part of my day? 7-8am and 5-8pm - the time with my family (four hours).  But do you see what I have to do during those times?  I am rushing the girls in the morning and in the evening I'm herding them here and there to tidy and put things away and try and read them books out loud while rushing around to read mail, pay bills, do laundry... yadda yadda yadda.

I'm not a single mother; I'm not in an unfulfilling marriage.  I'm blessed with a husband who is an amazing father.  I'm a happy career woman and I manage my time well.  But today I come home and - again my ONLY night home - I do all the things that ease my guilt about being gone many nights... and I completely missed time with my girls.

Whether this is a gender thing... I do not know, but I pose this question: For fathers who work late/often, when they are home do they do housework or do they spend time with their children?  Is it my own complex of what causes guilt that is getting in my way and causing me to clean away the time I should spend with my children?  And none of that can matter because any night home is my night to give Tim a break from the large responsibility he has every other night (where, by the way, clutter piles up).

It is likely that this post is my own type of therapy, to explain why the girls hardly paid any attention to me tonight but instead clung to my husband; why when it was time for bed one chose my husband over me, and why the other child is acting out all over the place.

I'm not going to make much more of this but I wanted to write it all out.  This is temporary - at least to this extent.  I know my girls, love them, they love me, etc.  I'm not worried.  But the nights that don't work out in my favor are nights I'd rather not experience.

Lesson?  I should just stop cleaning  :-)