Rolling with the Punches

I was sitting at my desk.  I shifted my position and my foot tapped my thumb drive.  My screen fluttered and the images were gone.  I tapped the mouse; I pressed the space bar; I took a deep breath.  When it seemed clear the obvious was possible, I checked my settings and computer hard drive options to determine that the computer was no longer reading my data.  Nothing - suspicion confirmed.  I picked up the phone and called my father.  If anyone could walk me through computer trauma, it was he.  He advised me on a few tactics, but they were for naught - I'd either tried them already or they were fruitless.  His final piece of advice was to send it off to a thumb drive recovery company with the equipment to find the data and save it.  So I did.  I sent it. Then I waited... And then I had birthday cake.  For that was my 33rd birthday - spent in the midst of complete horror at having potentially lost 5 years of data.  I blamed no one, I cared not WHY.  I just wanted it back.  Or else I was done.

So I waited.

And waited.

One week later, a new thumb drive arrived with directions on backups.  I was back on track.  I looked at my data - so numerous, confusing and WONDERFUL.  I promised myself I would NEVER have an academic deadline hanging over my head again.  EVER.

I mean - c'mon now, I have a mid-December birthday.  From the time of high school, I have always had an exam on, or around, my birthday.  I spent my 21st birthday in a sad little Saratoga Springs bar with two friends who were venturing out as a final exam study break.  And c'mon now.  I've been in school SINCE high school and I'm 33.  Let's be real.  Time for a change.

It would seem the best change would be a 75-day challenge.  Except it is now pretty clear I won't meet it.  Long story short, my sample size of case studies has more than doubled.  I've gained a bigger burden of a states BUT I have gained peace of mind that I am FINALLY on track with my Chair.  That is really worth 6 extra weeks of work as far as I'm concerned.

So I'm going to roll with the punches.  I've been given a sample size much larger than anticipated.  I'm going to extend my deadline which I HATE doing because it is not the first time.  But I'm going to extend it to December 10 - one day before my birthday. IF/WHEN I meet this deadline I will still have accomplished most of my 75-day challenge goals.  But with a new 105-day challenge I will STILL be "off the academic-hook" on my birthday AND I will NOT have to pay Spring 2014 tuition assuming I defend in January.  AND given good timing, I will be defending PRE-Aruba, so I can head off to Aruba MUCH lighter than before.  And I will have all of spring semester to revise based on defense-edits so that I can graduate in May.  May 2014 isn't my ideal graduation date but really, if my ultimate goal is to be unburdened by my next birthday and to NOT pay another semester of tuition, this should be sufficient to get the job done.

Well see.  I'm just rolling with the punches, folks.

Day 22: Letting go of Time to Keep Track of It

For the longest time I've been meaning to sit and inventory all of my notes from over the summer and put them in an order, prioritize, and plug into my calendar.  That was my task last night.  I divided things up and allocated them based on the need to complete them. Tonight I [dragged myself downstairs and] completed 8 of my 11 tasks on my list, with the remaining three tasks half complete.

The task-orienting is nothing new to me but I've always obsessed over the amount of TIME each task takes.  I've concerned myself with figuring out how much of what task will be done from here to there in my day.  But yesterday the difference was that I just concerned myself with tasks.  I didn't put a half hour tag on one thing and a two hour tag on the other.  I reasonable estimated what could be done and the projected level of my fatigue, and from there I just doled out the activities.

It worked today.  I looked at my list and just did it, one at a time, one by one.  Tomorrow's checklist DOES exist (at least 15 minutes per day but this'll be more than 15 minutes) but it is a relatively easy/fun list b/c let's face it, it is Friday folks.

On that note, I'm out!

Dessert List

22. Take piano lessons with Mari.

21. Pay attention to what GoodReads actually is because I think I would actually like it.

20. Enjoy Fantasy Football to its fullest extent

19. Learn what Candy Crush Saga is and still refuse to play it

18. Convert porch area into an inside-eating area

17. Organize my books

16. Get Federally-barred

15.  Okay - don't think I'm crazy - but write to publish. I had a very good idea for a law article today.  This will be one I don't pursue right away but I do think I would like it.

14. Email both Z and Mari at least once every other day with my thoughts on them,

us, life, God.

13. Track all of the funny stories I've posted of Samara on Facebook and either email them to her and/or put them in a book for her. (Note: this doesn't include Z because she doesn't talk yet and I hope I finish my diss. before she starts to talk...)

12. In relation to #11, gather all of my user names and passwords and put them in a list somewhere... figuring out where that place will be should be another to-do list item but we'll save it for later.

11. Figure out whether Instagram is worth my time or just another account with a password.

10. Apply as a USDOE Federal Reviewer (not a full time job, or anything.  A side-gig)

9. PINTEREST, Baby!  That's right, I've never looked KNOWING it is a time-sucker!

8. Clean out the garage

7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls

6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)

5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)

4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)

3. Write our wills, guardianship documents, etc.

2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)

1. Learn Spanish with Mari and Z

GO DOWNSTAIRS!!

This’ll be brief.

I am really enjoying my new job.  The hours aren’t necessarily different but the longer days are just more frequent.  I'm still working on the diss. but just not as much as needed.  But I understand that there is a learning curve to shifting an entire schedule.  And it isn’t that I don’t stay up late anyways...but arriving back at home so late does upset the routine.  I can easily get ready for bed as soon as I walk in the door at 9 or 10 or 11pm.  

There is one guaranteed solution to the problem of my “ignoring” my work upon return: GO DOWNSTAIRS.

Here's why: I can’t get distracted.  My other options are: toy room; exercise room; laundry room…  Aside from riding a horsy, running on a treadmill, or doing laundry, my only other option is to sit and read.  I call it “my dungeon” to Tim and it isn’t that I hate the place or anything because I lived there for June and July…  But it is rather bare and I have no choice.  So, barring any distraction from FB (which I’ve become pretty good at barring) I focus and finish.

So: GD – Go Downstairs.  If I can follow this rule and at the end of each day I work on my dissertation plan out the next day of tasks, I should be good to keep on pace.

Dessert List

21. Pay attention to what GoodReads actually is because I think I would actually like it.

20. Enjoy Fantasy Football to its fullest extent

19. Learn what Candy Crush Saga is and still refuse to play it

18. Convert porch area into an inside-eating area

17. Organize my books

16. Get Federally-barred

15.  Okay - don't think I'm crazy - but write to publish. I had a very good idea for a law article today.  This will be one I don't pursue right away but I do think I would like it.

14. Email both Z and Mari at least once every other day with my thoughts on them,

us, life, God.

13. Track all of the funny stories I've posted of Samara on Facebook and either email them to her and/or put them in a book for her. (Note: this doesn't include Z because she doesn't talk yet and I hope I finish my diss. before she starts to talk...)

12. In relation to #11, gather all of my user names and passwords and put them in a list somewhere... figuring out where that place will be should be another to-do list item but we'll save it for later.

11. Figure out whether Instagram is worth my time or just another account with a password.

10. Apply as a USDOE Federal Reviewer (not a full time job, or anything.  A side-gig)

9. PINTEREST, Baby!  That's right, I've never looked KNOWING it is a time-sucker!

8. Clean out the garage

7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls

6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)

5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)

4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)

3. Write our wills, guardianship documents, etc.

2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)

1. Learn Spanish with Mari and Z

Day 17: Striving for 50%

So life, it seems is pass/fail.  The bar exam - pass or fail.  Even licensure exams - just meet the cut score and you're good.  Well, in no way am I veering from the norm when I say that for this week, I'm striving for 50%.  But it means something different for me - it means that if I meet my goal I will have completed 2 of my 4 case studies.  But I AM going to strive.  I'm not going to settle.  For if I settle, I'd probably only meet maybe 35-40% of my goal.  No, instead, I'm going to actually meet the entire 50%.  This means I prepare exactly what I would submit if I had to defend the thing tomorrow, based on these 2 states alone.  One week from now, I will have reached my 50% goal - yup, my F will indicate that I'm Fully prepared to move onto my 3rd of 4 states.

Today was a hard - very hard day.  I'm glad I was out of the house.  I'm glad I'd already done a state to know that it would get better. In fact I'm glad I'd already done a state because I could literally copy wording and formatting and resource information.  But I got through it and by the end I was enjoying it.

Tonight I've reviewed my journal since May 2013.  It was hard. Hard to read of the time wasted.  Of the thoughts I thought were good and the disappointments along the way.  Of the struggles I had only to learn I shouldn't have struggled at all.  But I'm sure in some way I wouldn't be where I am in this research process if I hadn't gone through what I did.

Putting the past behind me, I'm ready to proceed.  Here's to finishing State 2 and working on getting them up to publication-par.

Six of one; Half a Dozen of Another

Along with the multiple lists and schedules, as I mentioned in my last post, I am now setting clocks all over the place.  One of my countdown gadgets is an app on my phone.  It counts down by months and days - unlike my Facebook app which counts down by days only.  So today I check my phone app and I have "one month, four weeks, one day..."  I have one month AND four weeks?   Sounds like I have 8 weeks; or maybe 2 months?

But what does it matter, in the end. I have 60 days left.  SIX - ZERO. Ugh.

"Your dissertation is not a mystery novel.  We will not read it cover to cover.  Focus on clarity and get to the point." - My Dissertation House coach, Dr. Wendy Carter-Veale.

Dessert List:

#15.  Get barred to practice in federal courts.

Day 14: My Dessert List

Let me set the scene.  Pick any night of any week: Dinner time.  Samara sits at the table with her food on her plate (sometimes a portioned plate) and negotiates.  "How many bites do I have to take for a piece of cheese?"  "How many pieces of chicken do I have to have for an Oreo?"  "If I eat two spoonfuls of macaroni and cheese, do I still have to eat my peas?"  This is the conversation on her end for the entire dinner period.  It is exhausting.  Partially because it requires my actually keeping up with her negotiation and partially because if she just ATE rather than TALKED about eating, she'd be finished.

How many times have I said that to her?  If you just ATE rather than asked me about eating you'd be FINISHED WITH YOUR DINNER... Ugh!

Rrealize, she tracks what she "earns" - "Okay, so now I can have two sips of apple juice, and if I have just one more piece of broccoli I can have cheese.  Then if I eat the 7 pieces of meat, I'll have my Oreo.  That's apple juice, and cheese and an Oreo. What can I eat to get a yogurt bite?" Her Dessert List.  Aye de mi!  At least SOMEONE can keep track of all of this!!

As this was happening to the nth degree today I realized the obvious lesson in this situation.  I write lists, explain what I'm going to do, post blogs, make schedules, track progress... but I am hardly DOING the work.  Hardly WRITING any more these days...  Part of this challenge is to get me to DO.  Not talk about it, write about it, think about it but just do it and then I can have my list of 75 things to do as it will be when I finish: my Dessert List.

Okay - those were the thoughts for today.  I'm so very tired.  I've added a few things onto my to-do list so that I'll be sure to have 75 on October 15.

Dessert List

15.  Okay - don't think I'm crazy - but write to publish. I had a very good idea for a law article today.  This will be one I don't pursue right away but I do think I would like it.
14. Email both Z and Mari at least once every other day with my thoughts on them, us, life, God.
13. Track all of the funny stories I've posted of Samara on Facebook and either email them to her and/or put them in a book for her. (Note: this doesn't include Z because she doesn't talk yet and I hope I finish my diss. before she starts to talk...)
12. In relation to #11, gather all of my user names and passwords and put them in a list somewhere... figuring out where that place will be should be another to-do list item but we'll save it for later.
11. Figure out whether Instagram is worth my time or just another account with a password.

10. Apply as a USDOE Federal Reviewer (not a full time job, or anything.  A side-gig)
9. PINTEREST, Baby!  That's right, I've never looked KNOWING it is a time-sucker!
8. Clean out the garage
7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls
6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write our wills, guardianship documents, etc.
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish with Mari and Z

Day 12: Self-Evident Problem

When one decides to challenge herself to completing the bulk of her dissertation in 75 days, and commits to blogging about it, a problem that occurs when she (for whatever reason) disengages herself from this challenge is that she has nothing about which to blog.

I'm not saying it's me.

I'm not.

I mean, it could be.

I could have completely lost confidence in what I'm doing.

I might have convinced myself that it is best for me to sit idly and wait for my Chair's feedback.  Which is WRONG especially because I know that there are always 12-minute tasks I could be doing to move this thing forward.

Luckily I've committed myself to writing tomorrow night.  Oddly, I've never met this woman but she went through a similar program as I did, and she is defending her dissertation in a few weeks.  Long story short, I connected with her, she lives in York, goes to same grad school, etc. and we are meeting to prepare/write, etc. tomorrow night.  And let's hope I get back on track.

Otherwise, about what will I blog??

Day 11: Selfless Good Deed

Season 5, Episode 4 of Friends (how could I blog straight for 75 days without mentioning Friends, the show that has gotten me through so much?) “The one where Pheobe hates PBS.” Here is the summary:

Phoebe says she hates PBS because it reminds her of the miserable days when her mother watched Sesame Street on it before committing suicide and even bitches Joey's telethon is selfishness masquerading as a good deed. When he retorts there is no such thing as a truly selfless good deed, she promises to prove him wrong.

I am going to side with Joey on this – at least when it comes to me and my scheming. I am constantly – forever – figuring out my schedule, and with this new endeavor, nothing has presented itself as more of a challenge than my time allocation.  In the end though, I'm always trying to balance what I do, and the time I ask of others, with what I can give and how I can help take the load from others.

First, my Saturdays at UMBC are sort of working, but sort of not. I am not entirely able to just walk out of the door at 8am on a Saturday comfortable with leaving Tim with the entire responsibility of entertaining the girls for a day. I don't mean that Tim can't do it – he is better with the girls than I am, I think. But I mean, it's a lot. I suppose he's not constantly burdened with the research he should be doing which might in turn give him more patience, but still. So while I've gotten SOME work done, I've not been able to commit the entire day as I'd originally envisioned.

And now dawns the football season. I remember last year, with Z a newborn and Mari recently introduced to Tim's iPad and Disney Junior, Tim commenting, “I am not sure we should buy the NFL Ticket (a TV package) next year since it really isn't appropriate for the girls to just set here watching an iPad all day while we try and get a glimpse of all the games going on each week.” And I agreed.

One of the more obvious concessions of focusing on completing a dissertation is that a possible 10 to 11-hour day of watching football is just no longer feasible. AND assuming I give up 10 to 11 hours of family time on a Saturday by researching and writing, it seems to me I'd be available to hang with the gals the next day, while Tim DOES watch football. And this means that I am doing a good deed by allowing Tim to have some Tim-time. But in the end, it frees up my conscience so that I can up and leave on a Saturday without thinking twice. And that is very important. 

So enters a revised schedule but one that I think might make me feel like I'm pulling my weight a little more. Tim has girls on Saturday; I have girls on Sunday – AND we remain married. Sounds like a custody agreement, but ya know, it's a dissertation agreement which might and probably does lead to divorce for some folks. Not here, not the Daltons of York, not now... not ever. BUT for those who are watching football – just don't rub it in. I'll miss it even if it does free me some from guilt. The best part is, the season goes beyond my challenge so I should get a glimpse of some of the games this season.  For now though, I offer my time - so I can be with my girls, but also so that I don't feel so damned guilty walking out of the door every Saturday...

Day 10: Orchestration

Good morning,

So sometimes the hardest part about getting the work done isn't the work itself but getting it all organized and ready for the part of the day that I would like to work on it.  Today and tomorrow are tough ones, for example.  I have a family-event today and a family-friendly-event tomorrow.  The distinction matters not but they are events I am eager to attend.  I sent in my draft yesterday so am not entirely sure what to work on today and once I do determine what it'll be I have to locate and print the materials, etc. etc.  This SHOULD be something I've avoided by keeping a detailed notebook journal of my research for each day.  Which I have been doing, sort of, but the work weeks are so fast that anything I accomplish seems to blend in together.

And so once I do figure out what work it is, I am going to fit it in with teaching at the gym, driving down to Dissertation House, doing the work itself, going to events here and there, and returning home (probably to either crash or work more... depends on my level of excitement with what I've done)

To do list:

10. Apply as a USDOE Federal Reviewer (not a full time job, or anything.  A side-gig)
9. PINTEREST, Baby!  That's right, I've never looked KNOWING it is a time-sucker!
8. Clean out the garage
7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls
6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write a will
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish

Day 9: Domesticated

Hello,

The big news for the day is that the Chair of my committee is now back in the U.S.!!!  This means he might actually check his email and respond to drafts of my work.  That has been, by far, the most frustrating part of my dissertation journey this summer.  I put my entire family on financial hold so that I could concentrate full-time on writing my dissertation and whose schedule doesn't jive?  My Chair's.  An important research paper, presented in Prague, really threw a wrench in my productivity plans. 

In one of my blogs (I skimmed but couldn't find reference) from either earlier this year or last year, I focused on my weakness in enjoying the process of things. Hey, I'm a checklist gal and I can't help it.  I somewhat enjoy what I do but I enjoy giving myself credit for what I do just as much - and that means even during my free time.  It's a little obsessive but I believe it is how I can multi-task well enough to do what I try and do.

Anyways, I remember starting on my full-time writing gig in June and people asking me whether this'd be enough time to complete by July 31.  I'd answer, "Well, it better be because it's the only time I've got."  And slowly, as my advisor failed to respond, as I learned of his departure from this country during just the time that I had set aside, as I read one of his few responses questioning an entire 2-weeks of work product, and as I considered making this project a masters' thesis I realized that God was probably laughing...   I thought I had it figured out and I prayed every night that God wouldn't make this any harder than it had already been. I told Him I'd put aside the time and that this was it and I needed it done now.  Sort of like what I am planning on doing with this 75-Day Challenge, but in this Challenge I have conceded to the fact that I'm managing multiple things and my time won't come easy and each decision I make will be a sacrifice to something else I could or should be doing.   I get it.  I am learning to enjoy it - enjoy the process.  Submit. Surrender.  Succeed.

So here's to hoping that the draft I sent him this morning (with MANY disclaimers about things that should have been done here, or will be done there) will arrive with comments on some near-future-date that indicate I'm at least on the right track...

To do list:

9. PINTEREST, Baby!  That's right, I've never looked KNOWING it is a time-sucker!
8. Clean out the garage
7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls
6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write a will
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish

Day 8

Hello,

This past week has been a whirlwind.  I'm here; I'm there; I'm everywhere; I'm going no where.  I had/have high expectations of myself and I knew/know they were/are a little ridiculous since I had/have no clue what my life would/will be like, day-to-day, with a new job.  I do apologize for the slashing of tenses, which I realize may be annoying to the reader.  It indicates, however, a slow realization that things need to change but the desire to stick to my guns as much as possible.

I had a long talk with my work mentor yesterday.  One of the stupidest things I could have expected of myself was to NOT workout.  Another ridiculous thing to assume was that I would be able to read, write and research (no matter what the subject-matter) for more than 12 hours in a day.  Then there are the things that I had no way of knowing: Samara is on some new schedule and is up by 5:30am every day (there goes morning time); going to bed not having completed what I want to denies me any good, deep sleep which in turn affects me day after day as lack of sleep accumulates; if I expect myself to blog every day I should have a computer available in the space I prefer to blog, rather than in a place that seems so far away to me (in the depths of my basement office).

While I knew I didn't blog yesterday and freely admitted it, I'm perplexed that there is no blog for Monday...  What happened? I thought I blogged? Things like that annoy me.  I need a little more oversight regarding this blogging project...

Taking what I've learned this past week, I am going to change a few things around: I will revise my expectations of morning time and give Samara her choice of what to do while I work until Mackenzie wakes up.  That morning time is ALL that I will expect of myself in terms of my dissertation during the work week.  I will THEN attempt to do my workouts at night.  I've been so tired by the time night comes that I can't see straight - but amazingly if at the gym, energy usually finds its way to my body.  There is no reading involved so maybe I can make it work...  In order to follow through with blogging, I will keep my laptop at my bedside since I usually realize I didn't blog as I'm falling to sleep which also probably affects my sleep-quality.

My goal is 20 hours per week of dissertation writing and doing things this way still gets me about that much.  Who knows.  So right now, I keep my goals rather unattainable but I will figure this out, I promise.

To do list:
8. Clean out the garage
7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls
6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write a will
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish

Confessions of a Slacker... Dreamer... Slacker

I have a handful of little tidbits to share today.  But I'll get to the point: I'm not doing work today (confession) because I'm dreaming of choreography (dreamer),  I know I could have done at least something (slacker) but I'm completely happy where I am at this particular moment except that I have so many dance choreography ideas.

I'll make a concession - I am giving up valuable time this weekend for writing.  I am also waiting for my Chair to return to this country - until he does I'm not sure of whether I'm on the right track (but don't let this fool you, it is an excuse).

And another thing: I'm loving my new job.  Here's the thing - I am reading, writing, analyzing and advising 12 hours a day, at least five days a week.  If I could give all of my time to my new job... wow, that'd be great.  I can't right now. I have to give up about 15-20 of those hours for my dissertation.  It's hard.  I walk out of the office and want to continue my research. I want to wrap up one project to go to the next.

Wanna know why? I'm learning; I'm applying. I'm NOT creating.  I'm NOT devising.  I am finding loopholes, looking for exceptions, DO-ing.  My now-Chair advised me when I started - the dissertation is looking for something new, contributing something new to academia.  It is not taking what is there and applying it but it is going beyond, inventing, innovating.

And while that concept isn't foreign to me, it is something I am used to doing when I dance.  I... God above, I have so many IDEAS.  I want to dance. I want to feel.  I want. I want. I want.  And I WILL NOT GET until I finish.  So I'll do it.  But tomorrow (and I mean that).  Tomorrow.  Wrap up and move on to Ohio case study.

I think I'm on to-do list 5 or 6: Audition for a play (yup. that's what I wrote!!)

Dreams

Today I find myself daydreaming - thinking of my new job, thinking of voice lessons with my daughter, thinking of... anything.

But unlike before I don't hate what I'm doing when I sit down to write my dissertation.  I really kind of like it - I have a plan and a goal and I have a schedule to meet that goal.  In fact, I had a dream last night about the goal - that I wasn't going to meet the goal. I filed a petition with the court (talk about confusing one's role) and the court granted the extension.  And I've sat on that thought: not meeting my goal of 75 days.  And I'm okay - I mean, the only thing affected is when I graduate. I FIRMLY believe I'm going to get this thing done in 2013 and if nothing else, that is ALL I ask: that I never write a damn thing about equitable distribution in 2014 or any other year in my life - unless I'm being paid to do so as an expert.

I'm not happy with my progress, on its face.  But I'm happy with my outlook - for now. I need to find the balance and maintain it.  I'll take what I can get, right now, though.  I am working each day.  I am making progress each day.  I am further than I was the day before.  I am making this as much of a priority as I possible am able to.  I think that is all I ever asked of myself and since I am doing it, I feel oddly okay with myself and less frustrated.

I forgot a new task when I wrote my entry yesterday so now I'm adding two:
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write a will
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish

I'm here, aren't I?

Hello,

Today could've been amazing, or well, today.  And it was amazing but not in the PhD writing sense.  Today I lived in the moment.  I made zerberts with Mackenzie and did Swan Lake lifts with Samara - ya know, the important things.  I worked on my paper for 45 minutes.  Good, but won't get me done in 71 days.  I think I have a few days where things might work out so that I have more time than I thought to write, but really - I don't have much room for this "amazing day with family" stuff.  But that'll stress me out.  Knowing there is some leniency is important; I just can't use that leniency as a crutch.  But... ya know. I hadn't seen the kids for about 5 days.  It was important for my hips to reacquaint themselves with Z's rear and for my ears to hear Samara's lovely made-up songs.

So, I got some stuff done.  Had I worked diligently last night and today, right now I'd be sending my advisor my draft of state one.  I'd also be more stressed out than I should be to go to my "real" first day of my new job tomorrow, where summer extravaganza's aren't allowing me to get off of work half a day early...  I'll call it a day and worry about all of this tomorrow.

All I know is that I laughed with my girls today and I still found time to get some work done.

Oh what a feeling!

I friggin did it. I made it through a state policy analysis and I'm alive... Wait, what? You say there never was anything to worry about? Then why have I been so anxious...?? Oh, in my head you say? Huh. Right... yeah... yup. I will. Okay folks I'm supposed to tell you how I did. I think I did well today. I friggin FINALLY got through this section.

In 75 days I will:

3. WRITE MY WILL (yes, I am without one for the care of my children and it almost scares me to death except I realize how little such magnitude of fear would help me in this situation so I calm down and back away...)

Early Bird Gets Work Done

Good morning.  While so exhausted last night that my eyes were burning, and while so run down I couldn't imagine my body waking up automatically at 3:30am again... it did.  And while I have no idea how this will affect my attention span and functioning later today, being up early really was very productive for me.

On that note, a small departure from the intention of this post: I used to be able to burn the candle at both ends - get up early, stay up late.  And as I've gone through this process of figuring out how to hone in and capitalize on my most productive parts of the day, and recognizing that I'm just not good at being up early and going to bed late, I've wondered where I've ended up.  Some days I can stay up until 1am... but its the getting up again at 4am that's been hard.  Now, I'm up at 3:30am but going to bed at 9:30pm.  It seems I should just pick one end of the day and stick with it.  I would say morning productivity has been much better than late night so I'll keep with it for a while and see if it sticks.

Anyways, I finished (99%) of sections B-D of my outline for Michigan.  Tomorrow I need to tackle E-H of my outline and this is EXCITING because this is the meat of the hypothesis to my dissertation research.  I'm comparing reports, responses, policies, etc.  All the nerdy crap that I actually like.

Finally, one intention of this post (I've decided) is to every day list something I will do once finished.  As a result I will have a list of 75 things to do when I'm done - with no real time frame on when to do them, but it will help me remember my bucket list.  There is also no real order to this either.  I forgot to include this yesterday so I've got two listed today:

1. Learn Spanish with Samara and Mackenzie (refresh and revamp my own knowledge while they learn)
2. Read a novel without feeling guilty

Day 1: The terms of our relationship

Good evening.

I have thought a lot about what exactly it is I expect from you.  It is highly unlikely that anyone reading this will give two hoots about the equitable distribution of highly qualified teachers in Michigan, Ohio, Georgia and Alabama. I doubt folks will care how the U.S. Department of Education responded under President W. Bush or how the same government agency has responded under President Obama.

Further, I have other outlets for holding myself accountable to the actual completion of tasks so why create just another venue?

Instead, I think I'm going to make this my emotional outlet.  I mean, the other grad students who are a part of my accountability group sympathize and relate to my emotional ups and downs, but we are a group to get things done, not to bitch and moan about the process.  I promise my emotions will be worth the read - and if not, I'll make up something ;-)

So, Day 1:  I am so incredibly tired.  As the dawn of a new job crept up, so did my internal alarm clock.  Folks, 3:30am.  Which may not be SO bad except I went to bed at 12:30am.  And I am so tired.  I cannot - literally cannot - read the writing on the paper.

I can tell you this - if not but for this challenge I'd either be watching a movie with Tim or I would have gone to bed an hour ago.  Instead I persisted and got about an hour's worth of work done.  It isn't the 3 I wanted or NEED but there is nothing I can do. I've lost my place in my reading too many times to count.

In the end, I am going to bed.  But I do plan on waking up bright and early for some work completion. I have only a little bit of time tomorrow too so we'll see.

Until then, peace.
“The difference between try and triumph is a little umph. ”

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