Blind-Sighted

As any parent trying to get to school / work or to an appointment or ANYwhere on time can attest – getting out of the house in one piece – never mind on time and with all necessities – is a circus act.  And it’s no exception in my house, trying to get my five-month and almost-3-year old out of the door.  Making sure I’ve got all the show and tell items, extra diapers or wipes, my own food and bag, closing doors, locking locks… and then I have to turn off all of the lights.

With arm hooked under car seat handle, I run through the house doing a lock check and turning off the lights.  Mari, with banana in hand, could be in any one of the rooms – singing, counting, hanging out… telling me what to do…  And then the last, final light expires and she is frantic.  “I’m coming Samara… Don’t worry, I’ll be right there.”  I even open the front door to shed the streetlamp light into the house.  This makes it easier – I can direct her to “go toward the light” as if in some cult, but still, she doesn’t like it and is never entirely at ease until she is holding my hand.

Again, this makes me wonder whether God feels this same way about us – all of His children.  When situations change, if things flip upside down, if we reverse course or even if the lights go out, He knows exactly where we are going.  So while we’re in the dark, He is guiding us.  He is our sight when we are blind.  Like Samara, once we realize we are still, somehow, living in His word, and doing His will, we ease our anxieties and move on.

I suppose this is what I am going through.  As I chip ever so slowly away at this 200-page project, with hardly a word actually written and a goal to finish in 6 months, each time the printer drum breaks, or the data is lost, or the baby is up during my writing time, or, or, or – any one of the million possibilities – every time I feel like I’m swirling out of control.  I say I want to give up, but luckily He talks some sense into me and I know, deep down inside, that I am going to keep on keeping on.  I don’t know whether I will finish, I don’t know what the purpose of this “exercise” is.  But I rest assured knowing that with Him, I am blind-sighted and will end up where He wants me to be.

Ducks in a Row

My daughter, Lord love her, has her own obsessions.  Watching her chunky little two-year old hands line up her red Crocs next to each other, at 6:45am, while she insists "It has to be perfect!" and I consider whether I'll make it to work on time, is so frustrating to me (although I don't let her know this).  I watch her line up the shoes, balance delicately on one leg, and gently tap the alignment out of place, and stand - unshoed and unnerved - back onto two feet.  She tries this many times and finally says to me, "I can't, Mommy!!"  "Sweetie, you know I don't like those words."  "Okay, Mommy, I need help please."  And I hold her hand, so she can slide one foot in, and then the other, resulting in a perfectly-postured position.

I imagine this is how God feels watching me.  I try to line up everything - family, academics, spirituality and health (FASH as I think of it) and the minute one thing is out of place, I cry, "I can't!"  Can't continue on, continue forward, continue.  And while I might ask God for help, I don't really know what that help from Him looks like or...is.  I am so determined that things are wrong, that I don't consider that they are on the way to right.

And so, I've gone through ups and downs.  I have very productive weeks and end up parched in the desert the next.  Small incidents are exponentially magnified.  And somehow, somewhere, I am still so damned determined to move on...  I don't think many people realize the internal struggle I go through, but it's there - the struggle of wanting to do it all.   I know.  Not a grandiose struggle, right?  I mean, I have a roof over my head, but 10,000 times more blessings than that, and a roof is much more than many people in our world have.

But it isn't about comparing my life with others'.  It is about figuring out what in God's name (quite literally) I am supposed to be doing here on earth.  These past 10 days, I have not spent as much time studying scripture as I wanted.  I haven't blogged as frequently as I'd planned.  And normally, the fact that I'd failed at first would cause me to "fail to the end" - just give up.  But I've spent so much time listening, waiting, sort of... being guided.  I think of the things that have gotten in my way this month... let's take my 5-month old.  Sick as the Dickens this month.  Bronchiolitis; double ear infection.  We've been up night after night after night.  Sticking binky back in mouth, rocking to sleep, soothing cries...And what happens to the parents?  As my mother says, "...they wilt on the vine."

But I haven't felt so wilted - even without the caffeine.  I am amazed that I still get up around 5am and continue on my day, chugging water, and nothing else, yet alert and unfazed by it all.  I guess my point, if I have one because I frequently lose it, is that the help I seek from God right now comes in the form of a gentle comfort.  Knowing that no matter what it is I'm doing at any moment, I'm somehow doing what I am supposed to be doing.  That my version of my life isn't God's so if he turns me around, I might as well start walking in that direction.

My daughter and I saw a flock of geese the other day. She had never seen one so I explained what it was and where the birds were going.  I told her it made the letter "V" which techincally it did, but I couldn't help notice that the birds weren't symmetrical (dammit, Leigh, they are FLYING - and you expect them to be "perfect?").  A few out of place here, some over there...  But in the end, I'm sure they make it the warmer place they seek, and that is what I know God is telling me.

What I've Learned in 3 days of ONE-THREE

While the point of a fast is to - obviously - fast, i.e. withhold from various foods and beverages, in the Daniel Fast I am also working on other habits.  For instance, I'm withholding from Facebook and from my games on my phone, such as Words With Friends.  And it isn't some crazy idea I've had in my head, but instead, it is an attempt to understand how I spend my time.  So by taking that activity away I can assess what I will do with this time come February 2013 when I am done with the fast and ready to move forward.

Another point of the fast is to - in a sense - be so hungry and tempted that we rely on God to get us through rather than given into the temptation.  It is an opportunity for me to take the time that I would spend maybe on Facebook or playing my phone games, to focus on God and my relationship with Him.

So what has it been like?  Well, the food fast hardly phases me.  I mean, I LOVE to eat - cheese, especially.  I LOVE myself a drink - beer, wine, you name it.  But on the other hand, I can very simply ignore hunger pains.  And that was pretty much working well until today when I had BANGING (literally) headache all day.  But I persisted.  This teaches me that I have a very strong will power. 

WHEN.I.WANT.TO.

I have also learned that I CAN take the time out to cook and I CAN cook pretty well.  I have pushed myself beyond my cooking boundaries (up to now, rather non-existent when your husband prefers to cook). I have made fried tofu and I even made my own 16 baked bean recipe.  More importantly than the substance, is that I've experienced success in the process.  Tim and I might have to pass Mackenzie back and forth, and we might have to trade off who is reading a book or playing Old MacDonald with Samara, but in the end, we get dinner on the table together, even though we have different meals.  I can cook. 

WHEN.I.WANT.TO.

So this brings me to the larger purpose I have for this fast - what do I do with my time?  And more importantly, why can't / haven't I used the time I have to finish this dissertation?  Well, there have been a few tasks for me to tackle on my list of "when I' not working on my dissertation."  But in the past few days, I've not even had the energy to finish those tasks...  So when I wake up and my to-do list from the day before is not tackled, I'm tempted to say, I just don't have the time.  At this point, maybe what I'm learning is that, I have the time. 

WHEN.I.WANT.TO.

The Scatter Plot

Friday around 2:30pm I found myself in the arms of my husband.  This is profound for a few reasons.  A. I hardly ever ask for help, never mind expect understanding or sympathy; 1. my husband isn't one to just grab me and embrace me, which he did... and furthermore: I was lost. (yes, A. 1. Furthermore - they are all as important as the other)

It reminded me of the times when I was young.  Vacations were hard for me. I had such a crammed schedule that when I found free time I literally had no idea what to do with it.  I mean, I would pace, and complain... and I remember just sort of "finding" things to complain about... I would finish my homework, my laundry and my cleaning and then would, in a sense, stalk my mother... I would just BE - hover - right over her.  And this day - this Friday - I was doing that. I was just pouty and sad and depressed and out of sorts...

So what the heck was wrong with me this particular Friday?  By the grace of United Way I am allowed Friday afternoons to work on my dissertation.  I was at home, supposedly working on my dissertation.  But seriously, it was just not working...

As a means of background, 2 weeks ago, a tragedy that sucks the breath out of me, that makes my heart melt with fear, took place in Newtown, CT.  While not one for media hype, I heard about it and just CRAVED to know more... I spent the entire day "connected" - whether by TV or internet.  A week later I was distraught by potentially lost information from my thumb drive that would render...well at the very least a BIG hiccup if the information was lost.  And then two days ago - well, the pretense of THAT situation was the fact that while we had just upgraded our internet service, for MY computer in my office, the router was not entirely working and I had (okay, have) poor service which rendered downloads... slow.

I found myself upstairs (out of my basement office). Wandering. Complaining to Tim.  Lost. Confused.  And I turned to my husband and said, "I'm so sorry. I just... I just, I want to dance, I want to feel, I want to be, I want to live, I want to know, I want... I want... I..." and then I did. I felt his arms around me and the strength of his hold paused my anxiety and I was. I did...

I get like this when I don't dance. I get like this when I want but don't have but don't know what I want, in the midst of all that I have.  Ask my mom.  I remember those days when I was young... I just was... bored.  And I just don't do well with time; with reflection.

So before I write some prophetic or grandiose foresight into what 2013 will be, I realize I first need to stop and assess 2012 and...and... be.  I need to take a look back and learn.  Here's what I know: I have had plenty of time to make progress on my dissertation and EACH and EVERY time I have sat down to make progress, something out of my control has interceded.  I am tempted to blame the Devil... but then again, is it God.  And isn't that the constant struggle?  Knowing when God is interfering versus whether Satan is?

And so that is where I find myself.  Here.  December 2012.  Lost. Confused.  DONE. But so damned hopeful and blessed more than ever.  And why IS that?  What is it about me that seeks for more and to be more and to want more and to help more and to reach more?  Why can't I just be happy with what I've got?   Before I can (and I want to) write about my New Year resolution  I must have in mind the inventory of what needs to be resolved and what needs to be pursued.

Here is what I will do: take a month off from my dissertation. I will fast not only from food but from my major stress in my life: my dissertation.  I was focus on God and me and my family and my goals and just BE.  I need answers.  And I will tell you all about it. That is the strongest feeling I have, actually - "this could would be a wonderful thought to share with others" "what would people think of this" "oh, I know people would really want to challenge me on that".  God wants me to write, to report, to share.

So my New Year's resolutions will not happen until February.  I will spend this month asking about where I am.  I need my mission statement.  I have my vision but I need my mission.  With all that is scattered in my mind, I will try to plot my year. I have an idea, but after 3 weeks of daily meditation, who knows?  I might totally re-chart my course.

Thoughts on Running

I remember the first time I ran a mile…  There were plenty of times my dad had tried to take me running with him, but we’d made it about 10 houses down the street and I’d turn around and walk home.  I've always blamed that particular weakness in my stamina on my dance training.  Certainly for most of my life I've been in some sort of acceptable physical shape, and while I was a dancer, I was in great shape.  As a dancer you either condition and tone or, especially during rehearsal and performance, you exert excessive amounts of energy in a short period of time – what we might call a sprint.

So I’ve always claimed that if I ever were to be a runner, I’d sprint.  Yet, high school gym class rolls around and the physical fitness challenge rears its ugly head and I am told I have to run a mile.  I remember Mr. Michelson giving us pointers – us the whiny group in the back that couldn't IMAGINE having to run such a long distance.  “Don’t clinch your hands – you exert extra energy that way,” or “Remain calm and breath.  It’s all a matter of how you perceive this.”

And I suppose I made it through the mile – okay, well OBVIOUSLY I made it through the mile, but more prevalent in my mind remains, “It’s all a matter of how you perceive it.” 

Fast forward to today.  I do not, unfortunately, have the resources available to me to continue my dance studies – those resources being money, time or a local York-based dance company (yes, I do get rather depressed when I realize this trifecta).  So I've turned my attention to other types of fitness, one of which is completing a race / obstacle event each month.

So realize: for me the goal is to complete the event; to do it and be done with it.  I tell myself I will do the training necessary but I rarely give it as much attention as my body deserves (recall, if you will, stress fracture of 2011 when I did the an 11-mile navy seals obstacle course with hardly any training)

Dare I now take the threads of this conversation and weave them into my revelation about law school and completing my dissertation? 

So realize: for law school, the goal was to pass the bar – and you DO.  You study, HARD, for months.  You cram, you worry, you throw up, you bite your nails, pull out your hair, you wish you’d never considered law… but in 3-4 months time, you've done all that you can do, you take the 2-day exam and then go have a beer while you create a Plan B since you're sure you didn't pass.

So as I am running a few weeks ago on the beautiful York County Rail Trail, taking in the foliage of falling leaves and the colors of autumn, it occurs to me – seriously – for the first time in my life I am ENJOYING the run.  I actually am having a good time running!  For the first time it wasn't about logging in my calories burned and posting them against my food intake and learning how many beers I would be allowed that night. (ha! It’s true!)

So it got me thinking… My dissertation advisor, more than a hundred times, has told me that the dissertation is not a sprint.  And I've only ever thought in my mind, “Little does he know, I’m a sprinter.  How’d I get myself into this mess?”  When I had this little aha moment about how I can enjoy running, and not just relish the result, I realized why this dissertation has been so damned difficult.  Sure, I started it while in law school, took the bar exam, had two children, have said good bye to two very loved people in my life, moved, changed jobs… but those are EVENTS. They happen – certainly the children stay with you, grow with you, become you… but leaving the "journey of motherhood" aside for the moment, I realized that the dissertation is a marathon. 

Many of my friends and relatives have done marathons and they all say how hard it is on their families and friends. Schedules change; diets change, life changes.  And so, I really do need to graduate with this dissertation sometime soon.  I’m going to train like a marathon runner and enjoy the journey of writing the dissertation itself.  Before I know it – the event I look forward to so much – GRADUATION – will be upon me.  And then I can simply take a marker and check it off my "to do" list.

Routine Accomplishment

When I first created this blog, if weeks had gone by and I'd not posted, I'd get anxious.  I remember thinking that though this blog was another stressor - another deadline to meet - it was good to get my thoughts down and it was "necessary."

And here it is, over five months since my last post, and I really could care less.  In fact I'm proud that I've not posted; I laugh that at times I completely forgot I HAVE a blog.  And in these five months, there's not been a whole lot to blog about - I mean, not a lot that I would like to share.  I've not hit many milestones, aside from a wonderful shift in my professional career.  And since April, I've accomplished the best thing a working, mother who's a student can accomplish: routine.

I should mention one more milestone - Samara turned 1 1/2 yesterday.  My sweet, challenging, amazing young one turned my life upside down when she was born.  And for a while some of the things that toppled over just didn't want to re-root themselves in my life.  A lot has happened in the past 18 months that got in the way of establishing a routine: the death of one of the most amazing men I've ever known, my grandfather; the unexpected and unfair death of a wonderful friend who modeled motherhood with grace; diagnoses of illnesses of ones closest to me in life; natural disasters affecting the lives of my family members; the stress of putting a house on the market and then taking it off; a ten-year anniversary of an event I watched first hand and felt through the missing signs and the patrons at the restaurant red-eyed from tears in despair because loved ones were missing; injuries that kept me from utilizing my favorite defuser: exercise; and the funks into which I fall when I leave the company of my family.

Yet through it all, I have more blessings than I know I deserve - the mercy God bestows on me and His grace are... shocking to me and always have been. I started this blog as a means to prove that I could "get things done" as a working mother and student.  I think God heard me, challenged me, and won.  Of course, I win too.  Isn't that the way God works?  He obviously had a better plan.  I mean, I've not yet handed in my dissertation proposal.  The changing policies of our government have affected what I'm writing from one day to the next so I make constant revisions.  But I've found a wonderful balance to my wonderful life so that I'm not stressing away the time to get from one place to the next. I have my moments; I have my days.  But I don't CARE now if my dissertation takes me until 2014 (which by the way is the 9-year deadline set by the school... ugh!)  I may finish early, but if I don't, I don't care.

Left Feet Only Need Apply: Curing the "Once I" Syndrome

Things these days are getting simpler for me, in as much as my schedule seems to get filled.  For instance, when getting dressed, I only need to find my left shoe.  Other professionals doubling as parents who need to get out of the door ASAP while child is agonizing over sitting in the car seat, and you are thinking of the impending doom if you don't arrive to your meeting on time (breath) know how much time this can free up.

Facebook followers may have learned that I have a stress fracture on my right leg.  The remedy for this injury is a boot (thus why I don't need a right shoe), rest, as little walking as possible, foot elevated and no high-impact activity.  Of course I didn't read the "foot elevated" part until this morning... oops.

But here's the thing, in order to follow these doctor's orders as best I can, I have to change my schedule.  And if on Saturday someone had suggested I "change my schedule," I think I might have laughed in their face.  For up to this point, I claimed there was no wiggle room in my schedule.  I thought the requirements of juggling all that I am left little room to change.  But I was wrong, and not only that: I have had the answer for so long but have failed to notice what has been right in front of me all along.

First let's discuss the problem.  Some might call me a "forward thinker" - always planning, thinking ahead, etc.  But I had this self-discovery yesterday at church that I am a victim of the "once I" syndrome.  Here is how I've suffered from this illness in my life: Ending my study abroad in South Africa my last year of college, "Once I get to the U.S. and have a job...," In the U.S. in my first job, "Once I get into law school" In law school, "Once I get into graduate school."  In graduate school, "Once I move," "Once I change jobs," Once I graduate law school," Once I have my baby," and these days, either "Once I move (yes, again) or "Once I finish my dissertation."

Seriously, "once I" realized this, I was amazed at how often I think this phrase...

And this morning on my way to work, I saw a young lady, holding a coffee with an apron in hand, looking like she was on her way to a restaurant/server job.  And I thought, "Aw, remember when?"  And I can't tell you how often I say, "Remember when I lived in Saratoga for the summer?," "Remember when I lived in South Africa?," "Remember when I lived in Hoboken," "Remember when I lived in Baltimore?"  Believe me, these all have more attached to them than location, depending on where I was, and what I was doing, but the point is, I am constantly asking myself to "remember when," and promising myself "once I."

So, I said, what do you have to work with now?  Well here are three major advantages I have in my life for the next 8 or so weeks that will help me to control my life, but get healthier at the same time. 1. I cannot exercise heavily, which means no responsibility at the gym, which means no certification video, which in sum saves me a lot of time. I can exercise at my own time. 2. I live, for the next few months at least, within 2 miles of 3 gyms to which I belong.   I can leave work slightly early, head home to change, pick up Samara all requiring only 10 minutes ride to any destination

Finally, 3. I am a consultant - this is the major "duh ha" moment.  I have been trying to get up at 4:30am since Samara was born and have failed miserably.  I just cannot.  But if I leave work an hour and a half early - the days my schedule will allow - I can then work on email and other admin stuff at my leisure either at night or over the weekend. I am a consultant.  I can create my own hours (within reason around my meetings and deadlines).

These three "perks" last until the end of June.  And I think I will take a step back, not think so much about the "once I" and make sure I make the most of now, so I'm not always thinking "remember when."