The Scatter Plot

Friday around 2:30pm I found myself in the arms of my husband.  This is profound for a few reasons.  A. I hardly ever ask for help, never mind expect understanding or sympathy; 1. my husband isn't one to just grab me and embrace me, which he did... and furthermore: I was lost. (yes, A. 1. Furthermore - they are all as important as the other)

It reminded me of the times when I was young.  Vacations were hard for me. I had such a crammed schedule that when I found free time I literally had no idea what to do with it.  I mean, I would pace, and complain... and I remember just sort of "finding" things to complain about... I would finish my homework, my laundry and my cleaning and then would, in a sense, stalk my mother... I would just BE - hover - right over her.  And this day - this Friday - I was doing that. I was just pouty and sad and depressed and out of sorts...

So what the heck was wrong with me this particular Friday?  By the grace of United Way I am allowed Friday afternoons to work on my dissertation.  I was at home, supposedly working on my dissertation.  But seriously, it was just not working...

As a means of background, 2 weeks ago, a tragedy that sucks the breath out of me, that makes my heart melt with fear, took place in Newtown, CT.  While not one for media hype, I heard about it and just CRAVED to know more... I spent the entire day "connected" - whether by TV or internet.  A week later I was distraught by potentially lost information from my thumb drive that would render...well at the very least a BIG hiccup if the information was lost.  And then two days ago - well, the pretense of THAT situation was the fact that while we had just upgraded our internet service, for MY computer in my office, the router was not entirely working and I had (okay, have) poor service which rendered downloads... slow.

I found myself upstairs (out of my basement office). Wandering. Complaining to Tim.  Lost. Confused.  And I turned to my husband and said, "I'm so sorry. I just... I just, I want to dance, I want to feel, I want to be, I want to live, I want to know, I want... I want... I..." and then I did. I felt his arms around me and the strength of his hold paused my anxiety and I was. I did...

I get like this when I don't dance. I get like this when I want but don't have but don't know what I want, in the midst of all that I have.  Ask my mom.  I remember those days when I was young... I just was... bored.  And I just don't do well with time; with reflection.

So before I write some prophetic or grandiose foresight into what 2013 will be, I realize I first need to stop and assess 2012 and...and... be.  I need to take a look back and learn.  Here's what I know: I have had plenty of time to make progress on my dissertation and EACH and EVERY time I have sat down to make progress, something out of my control has interceded.  I am tempted to blame the Devil... but then again, is it God.  And isn't that the constant struggle?  Knowing when God is interfering versus whether Satan is?

And so that is where I find myself.  Here.  December 2012.  Lost. Confused.  DONE. But so damned hopeful and blessed more than ever.  And why IS that?  What is it about me that seeks for more and to be more and to want more and to help more and to reach more?  Why can't I just be happy with what I've got?   Before I can (and I want to) write about my New Year resolution  I must have in mind the inventory of what needs to be resolved and what needs to be pursued.

Here is what I will do: take a month off from my dissertation. I will fast not only from food but from my major stress in my life: my dissertation.  I was focus on God and me and my family and my goals and just BE.  I need answers.  And I will tell you all about it. That is the strongest feeling I have, actually - "this could would be a wonderful thought to share with others" "what would people think of this" "oh, I know people would really want to challenge me on that".  God wants me to write, to report, to share.

So my New Year's resolutions will not happen until February.  I will spend this month asking about where I am.  I need my mission statement.  I have my vision but I need my mission.  With all that is scattered in my mind, I will try to plot my year. I have an idea, but after 3 weeks of daily meditation, who knows?  I might totally re-chart my course.