When I first created this blog, if weeks had gone by and I'd not posted, I'd get anxious. I remember thinking that though this blog was another stressor - another deadline to meet - it was good to get my thoughts down and it was "necessary."
And here it is, over five months since my last post, and I really could care less. In fact I'm proud that I've not posted; I laugh that at times I completely forgot I HAVE a blog. And in these five months, there's not been a whole lot to blog about - I mean, not a lot that I would like to share. I've not hit many milestones, aside from a wonderful shift in my professional career. And since April, I've accomplished the best thing a working, mother who's a student can accomplish: routine.
I should mention one more milestone - Samara turned 1 1/2 yesterday. My sweet, challenging, amazing young one turned my life upside down when she was born. And for a while some of the things that toppled over just didn't want to re-root themselves in my life. A lot has happened in the past 18 months that got in the way of establishing a routine: the death of one of the most amazing men I've ever known, my grandfather; the unexpected and unfair death of a wonderful friend who modeled motherhood with grace; diagnoses of illnesses of ones closest to me in life; natural disasters affecting the lives of my family members; the stress of putting a house on the market and then taking it off; a ten-year anniversary of an event I watched first hand and felt through the missing signs and the patrons at the restaurant red-eyed from tears in despair because loved ones were missing; injuries that kept me from utilizing my favorite defuser: exercise; and the funks into which I fall when I leave the company of my family.
Yet through it all, I have more blessings than I know I deserve - the mercy God bestows on me and His grace are... shocking to me and always have been. I started this blog as a means to prove that I could "get things done" as a working mother and student. I think God heard me, challenged me, and won. Of course, I win too. Isn't that the way God works? He obviously had a better plan. I mean, I've not yet handed in my dissertation proposal. The changing policies of our government have affected what I'm writing from one day to the next so I make constant revisions. But I've found a wonderful balance to my wonderful life so that I'm not stressing away the time to get from one place to the next. I have my moments; I have my days. But I don't CARE now if my dissertation takes me until 2014 (which by the way is the 9-year deadline set by the school... ugh!) I may finish early, but if I don't, I don't care.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Left Feet Only Need Apply: Curing the "Once I" Syndrome
Things these days are getting simpler for me, in as much as my schedule seems to get filled. For instance, when getting dressed, I only need to find my left shoe. Other professionals doubling as parents who need to get out of the door ASAP while child is agonizing over sitting in the car seat, and you are thinking of the impending doom if you don't arrive to your meeting on time (breath) know how much time this can free up.
Facebook followers may have learned that I have a stress fracture on my right leg. The remedy for this injury is a boot (thus why I don't need a right shoe), rest, as little walking as possible, foot elevated and no high-impact activity. Of course I didn't read the "foot elevated" part until this morning... oops.
But here's the thing, in order to follow these doctor's orders as best I can, I have to change my schedule. And if on Saturday someone had suggested I "change my schedule," I think I might have laughed in their face. For up to this point, I claimed there was no wiggle room in my schedule. I thought the requirements of juggling all that I am left little room to change. But I was wrong, and not only that: I have had the answer for so long but have failed to notice what has been right in front of me all along.
First let's discuss the problem. Some might call me a "forward thinker" - always planning, thinking ahead, etc. But I had this self-discovery yesterday at church that I am a victim of the "once I" syndrome. Here is how I've suffered from this illness in my life: Ending my study abroad in South Africa my last year of college, "Once I get to the U.S. and have a job...," In the U.S. in my first job, "Once I get into law school" In law school, "Once I get into graduate school." In graduate school, "Once I move," "Once I change jobs," Once I graduate law school," Once I have my baby," and these days, either "Once I move (yes, again) or "Once I finish my dissertation."
Seriously, "once I" realized this, I was amazed at how often I think this phrase...
And this morning on my way to work, I saw a young lady, holding a coffee with an apron in hand, looking like she was on her way to a restaurant/server job. And I thought, "Aw, remember when?" And I can't tell you how often I say, "Remember when I lived in Saratoga for the summer?," "Remember when I lived in South Africa?," "Remember when I lived in Hoboken," "Remember when I lived in Baltimore?" Believe me, these all have more attached to them than location, depending on where I was, and what I was doing, but the point is, I am constantly asking myself to "remember when," and promising myself "once I."
So, I said, what do you have to work with now? Well here are three major advantages I have in my life for the next 8 or so weeks that will help me to control my life, but get healthier at the same time. 1. I cannot exercise heavily, which means no responsibility at the gym, which means no certification video, which in sum saves me a lot of time. I can exercise at my own time. 2. I live, for the next few months at least, within 2 miles of 3 gyms to which I belong. I can leave work slightly early, head home to change, pick up Samara all requiring only 10 minutes ride to any destination
Finally, 3. I am a consultant - this is the major "duh ha" moment. I have been trying to get up at 4:30am since Samara was born and have failed miserably. I just cannot. But if I leave work an hour and a half early - the days my schedule will allow - I can then work on email and other admin stuff at my leisure either at night or over the weekend. I am a consultant. I can create my own hours (within reason around my meetings and deadlines).
These three "perks" last until the end of June. And I think I will take a step back, not think so much about the "once I" and make sure I make the most of now, so I'm not always thinking "remember when."
Facebook followers may have learned that I have a stress fracture on my right leg. The remedy for this injury is a boot (thus why I don't need a right shoe), rest, as little walking as possible, foot elevated and no high-impact activity. Of course I didn't read the "foot elevated" part until this morning... oops.
But here's the thing, in order to follow these doctor's orders as best I can, I have to change my schedule. And if on Saturday someone had suggested I "change my schedule," I think I might have laughed in their face. For up to this point, I claimed there was no wiggle room in my schedule. I thought the requirements of juggling all that I am left little room to change. But I was wrong, and not only that: I have had the answer for so long but have failed to notice what has been right in front of me all along.
First let's discuss the problem. Some might call me a "forward thinker" - always planning, thinking ahead, etc. But I had this self-discovery yesterday at church that I am a victim of the "once I" syndrome. Here is how I've suffered from this illness in my life: Ending my study abroad in South Africa my last year of college, "Once I get to the U.S. and have a job...," In the U.S. in my first job, "Once I get into law school" In law school, "Once I get into graduate school." In graduate school, "Once I move," "Once I change jobs," Once I graduate law school," Once I have my baby," and these days, either "Once I move (yes, again) or "Once I finish my dissertation."
Seriously, "once I" realized this, I was amazed at how often I think this phrase...
And this morning on my way to work, I saw a young lady, holding a coffee with an apron in hand, looking like she was on her way to a restaurant/server job. And I thought, "Aw, remember when?" And I can't tell you how often I say, "Remember when I lived in Saratoga for the summer?," "Remember when I lived in South Africa?," "Remember when I lived in Hoboken," "Remember when I lived in Baltimore?" Believe me, these all have more attached to them than location, depending on where I was, and what I was doing, but the point is, I am constantly asking myself to "remember when," and promising myself "once I."
So, I said, what do you have to work with now? Well here are three major advantages I have in my life for the next 8 or so weeks that will help me to control my life, but get healthier at the same time. 1. I cannot exercise heavily, which means no responsibility at the gym, which means no certification video, which in sum saves me a lot of time. I can exercise at my own time. 2. I live, for the next few months at least, within 2 miles of 3 gyms to which I belong. I can leave work slightly early, head home to change, pick up Samara all requiring only 10 minutes ride to any destination
Finally, 3. I am a consultant - this is the major "duh ha" moment. I have been trying to get up at 4:30am since Samara was born and have failed miserably. I just cannot. But if I leave work an hour and a half early - the days my schedule will allow - I can then work on email and other admin stuff at my leisure either at night or over the weekend. I am a consultant. I can create my own hours (within reason around my meetings and deadlines).
These three "perks" last until the end of June. And I think I will take a step back, not think so much about the "once I" and make sure I make the most of now, so I'm not always thinking "remember when."
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Checkpoint
I have had a lot of ideas for this blog - this is a special blog. One year ago, at this time (now 10:40am) I was in labor. I remember vaguely watching Let's Make a Deal - that's right, always watching a game show - but sans pain medication, it all seemed rather a blur from about this time up until her birth at 1:31pm. And so while I've been excited to have a checkpoint in my journey as a mother, I am so sick today I can hardly think. And downstairs, my husband kindly took the day off to watch Samara, who is also very sick.
In the short term this turn of events - Samara didn't get to wear her "first birthday" outfit to school, she and I can't go swimming tonight, I am praying I make it through my presentation without coughing too violently - a new reality of mine surfaces. "Do not get frustrated when your plans do not work out they way you'd thought they would." It is funny I even need to say that since my main motto in life is to "expect the worst and hope for the best." But it is true, motherhood led me to believe that I could tackle life as I had been, add on this ginormous responsibility of Samara and her needs and growth developments, and after a few months, I'd "adjust."
Here we are, March 29, 2011. There are so many things on my to do list, undone. Ranging from longterm -no proposal submitted; to short term - I haven't unpacked my bags from my trip last Friday. Last week I picked up an organizing magazine. I am - preferrably - organized; I am - in reality - an organized mess. The mess part can stress me out like no other. I read this magazine planning to find ideas to prepare my house to put on the market. I have tons of ideas but I figured reading from the experts couldn't hurt. After loving the magazine, I decided I would get a book - I needed something longer, more tangible than a few little magazine articles. Thinking I was getting a magazine about organizing my house, I picked up Simplify Your Life, by Marcia Ramsland.
This is a book NOT about organizing your house, but organizing your life. And lately, my life is a mess. I maintain ONE simple daily routine and that is my 4pm to 8pm time with Samara. Other than that, your guess is as good as mine what I might be doing. The "I'll do it tomorrow" mentality was becoming suffocating. Then reading this book was like a "coming home," if you will. On the one hand, I was rather proud of myself since many of the techniques Marcia discussed were ones that I somehow did already. I was a little frustrated, however, because if I have that knowledge why isn't it successfully getting me out of this mess?
The elements that Marcia introduced to me were ways to not feel drowned if you didn't meet your personal goals for that day. She gave me formulas - i.e. you should not have plans more than 2 out of the 3 weekend nights and more than 2 out of the 4 weekday nights. If you do, you are headed toward crisis. This is a part of reading your calendar horizontally - looking ahead, learning to use your schedule as a warning for when you might have a meltdown; learning to schedule events so as to avoid a meltdown. And she is so right. Thankfully this particular week is actually rather quiet, but the three weeks before this have been very very difficult, with so many things to do and so many places to be.
So the point is, I plan to organize and simplify my life over the next year. I hope to write a much more "accomplished" email in one year, but I know that figuring it all out is a huge step in the right direction.
In the short term this turn of events - Samara didn't get to wear her "first birthday" outfit to school, she and I can't go swimming tonight, I am praying I make it through my presentation without coughing too violently - a new reality of mine surfaces. "Do not get frustrated when your plans do not work out they way you'd thought they would." It is funny I even need to say that since my main motto in life is to "expect the worst and hope for the best." But it is true, motherhood led me to believe that I could tackle life as I had been, add on this ginormous responsibility of Samara and her needs and growth developments, and after a few months, I'd "adjust."
Here we are, March 29, 2011. There are so many things on my to do list, undone. Ranging from longterm -no proposal submitted; to short term - I haven't unpacked my bags from my trip last Friday. Last week I picked up an organizing magazine. I am - preferrably - organized; I am - in reality - an organized mess. The mess part can stress me out like no other. I read this magazine planning to find ideas to prepare my house to put on the market. I have tons of ideas but I figured reading from the experts couldn't hurt. After loving the magazine, I decided I would get a book - I needed something longer, more tangible than a few little magazine articles. Thinking I was getting a magazine about organizing my house, I picked up Simplify Your Life, by Marcia Ramsland.
This is a book NOT about organizing your house, but organizing your life. And lately, my life is a mess. I maintain ONE simple daily routine and that is my 4pm to 8pm time with Samara. Other than that, your guess is as good as mine what I might be doing. The "I'll do it tomorrow" mentality was becoming suffocating. Then reading this book was like a "coming home," if you will. On the one hand, I was rather proud of myself since many of the techniques Marcia discussed were ones that I somehow did already. I was a little frustrated, however, because if I have that knowledge why isn't it successfully getting me out of this mess?
The elements that Marcia introduced to me were ways to not feel drowned if you didn't meet your personal goals for that day. She gave me formulas - i.e. you should not have plans more than 2 out of the 3 weekend nights and more than 2 out of the 4 weekday nights. If you do, you are headed toward crisis. This is a part of reading your calendar horizontally - looking ahead, learning to use your schedule as a warning for when you might have a meltdown; learning to schedule events so as to avoid a meltdown. And she is so right. Thankfully this particular week is actually rather quiet, but the three weeks before this have been very very difficult, with so many things to do and so many places to be.
So the point is, I plan to organize and simplify my life over the next year. I hope to write a much more "accomplished" email in one year, but I know that figuring it all out is a huge step in the right direction.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Fill in the Blank - I'm Too Tired to Think of a Title
I would say that my "drive" is composed mostly of pride and the mere challenge of accomplishing things out of the ordinary. When you extend yourself too much, with the intent of making your mark in the world, and the journey is so long and tiring, your drive weakens and determination waivers. When your pride is replanted in the body of a brilliant, young, little learning star, you just don't care anymore.
I started this blog somewhere in May 2010, I think. At that time, my plate seemed evenly portioned and light enough to balance. I wanted to continue my work as a professional, pursue my research as a scholar, lose some weight, and BE A MOTHER. Along the way, the number one piece of advice I've received was to "cherish the time," "don't let time slip away," "remember as much of this experience as you can."
Quite possibly I took it too literally. I've been so concerned with spending the few hours of time I have with my daughter, that I've let my other priorities slide, and as such, they no longer seem like priorities. But they are important to me - they make me "me" and they will define "me" to Samara. Not to mention that this dissertation is a stepping stone - albeit a large one - to a profession and impact on the community that is important to me.
With some very blunt advice from a few close friends, I've realized that I need to bring my plate back into balance, or I will forever be hard on myself for never completing anything. Both my parents completed their graduate degrees while I was young. I am not any the worse for their absences a few nights a week, not like I remember it anyways. In fact, my mother's pursuit of a law degree while I was in high school was a major reason I pursued the same career. I do not need research to validate what I already know - watching those with whom you relate do things you thought impossible is empowering.
Frankly, I don't think this post even makes sense. But to summarize: I have more on my plate than I did a year ago and I've completed nothing of which I originally set out to accomplish. Every Sunday night I have bright hopes for how the next week will pan out. And not one week has gone by in the way that I imagined it. It is time to buckle down and pass the finish line. I promise you nothing, but hope to give you something soon.
I started this blog somewhere in May 2010, I think. At that time, my plate seemed evenly portioned and light enough to balance. I wanted to continue my work as a professional, pursue my research as a scholar, lose some weight, and BE A MOTHER. Along the way, the number one piece of advice I've received was to "cherish the time," "don't let time slip away," "remember as much of this experience as you can."
Quite possibly I took it too literally. I've been so concerned with spending the few hours of time I have with my daughter, that I've let my other priorities slide, and as such, they no longer seem like priorities. But they are important to me - they make me "me" and they will define "me" to Samara. Not to mention that this dissertation is a stepping stone - albeit a large one - to a profession and impact on the community that is important to me.
With some very blunt advice from a few close friends, I've realized that I need to bring my plate back into balance, or I will forever be hard on myself for never completing anything. Both my parents completed their graduate degrees while I was young. I am not any the worse for their absences a few nights a week, not like I remember it anyways. In fact, my mother's pursuit of a law degree while I was in high school was a major reason I pursued the same career. I do not need research to validate what I already know - watching those with whom you relate do things you thought impossible is empowering.
Frankly, I don't think this post even makes sense. But to summarize: I have more on my plate than I did a year ago and I've completed nothing of which I originally set out to accomplish. Every Sunday night I have bright hopes for how the next week will pan out. And not one week has gone by in the way that I imagined it. It is time to buckle down and pass the finish line. I promise you nothing, but hope to give you something soon.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The Samara Effect
I absolutely hate running. Honestly, I'd never run more than a mile until the Fall of 2010. As a dancer I was conditioned in a more pilates type of way and when performing a dance piece, I probably exerted energy for 6-8 minutes at most.
I have always looked at those who run marathons as very special people, yet people I don't care to be. No offense, but as one who hates running, why on earth would I want to run 26 miles? What would I do for the 10 hours it would take me? Even after watching my father complete the Iron Man twice, I was not interested. Impressed, but not interested.
Enter Samara. Though born in March I did not even enter a gym until around June (I think). But along came the Warrior Dash, sometime in the Fall. I completed the 5K obstacle course, hating it probably half of the time it took to complete it. Then I arrived home, learned about an even harder event - the Tough Mudder - and am now registered to run it in April. I've registered for a triathlon to take place in February and plan to do the Warrior Dash again in June... And as of tonight, I have committed to run a half marathon.
WTH? I cannot explain this. I now listen to books when I run and when I swim. That kind of, to me, is like killing two birds with one stone. Amidst my constant scholarly reading, finding a way to listen to a "fun" book while exercising is very appealing to me. So it isn't even the event that matters to me, but I am enjoying the training for these events.
THEN my parents tell me of the Daniel Fast. So I thought of this Fast as a new, yet different, type of challenge. Okay, well it was a good way to get in a last "diet" before Aruba, but it's turned into much more.
This Fast is supposed to be a spiritual experience, in addition to the physical experience of a very restricted diet. The diet for this Fast is basically a vegan one with no caffeine, processed sugar, alcohol or anything not "natural" allowed. I kind of like this challenge - it is rather an easy diet in the sense that you pretty much know you can't eat anything. I do not like drinking water, I am not a fan of fruit, and I can only take so many vegetables in my diet. But that's what I've got, besides nuts and legumes.
So anyways, I'm loving this Fast (though I could not continue past a few more weeks). I am not at all worried about tracking what I eat - I know what I eat is good for me and I know that it'd take A LOT of fruits, veggies and nuts to exceed my caloric intake limit. I cannot explain how food creates baggage, but it kind of does. The obvious benefits of no caffeine, alcohol or sugar are well-known. Though I miss the actual cup of coffee, I feel just as alert after a nice morning swim as I would after a nice cup o' joe. But I don't feel worried about wanting to eat what I shouldn't - I guess that is it. I know I can't, I know I won't.
As I mentioned this is intended to be a spiritual experience. There are scripture readings that accompany the Fast but I am up at 4:30am and in bed at 10:30pm, so I'm having a little trouble finding some time to devote to them. However, I read them just before writing this post, and it turns out the Fast is intended to help you let go of the past. Now how great is that? I mean, the Fall of 2010 was seriously challenging for me. I struggled over priorities; I lost a few very much loved folks in my life; I learned a lot about people and how I am perceived by others. They were very hard lessons, but I realize the Daniel Fast came at just the right time. Here are the seven steps to letting go of the past.
1. Let go of the baggage
2. Close that chapter
3. Quit talking about the past
4. Let go of the shame
5. Enjoy today
6. Walk by faith and not by sight
7. Believe and understand the power of forgiveness
Truly, the Daniel Fast and these new physical challenges are, for me are, helping me to let go of the past. 2011 here I come.
I have always looked at those who run marathons as very special people, yet people I don't care to be. No offense, but as one who hates running, why on earth would I want to run 26 miles? What would I do for the 10 hours it would take me? Even after watching my father complete the Iron Man twice, I was not interested. Impressed, but not interested.
Enter Samara. Though born in March I did not even enter a gym until around June (I think). But along came the Warrior Dash, sometime in the Fall. I completed the 5K obstacle course, hating it probably half of the time it took to complete it. Then I arrived home, learned about an even harder event - the Tough Mudder - and am now registered to run it in April. I've registered for a triathlon to take place in February and plan to do the Warrior Dash again in June... And as of tonight, I have committed to run a half marathon.
WTH? I cannot explain this. I now listen to books when I run and when I swim. That kind of, to me, is like killing two birds with one stone. Amidst my constant scholarly reading, finding a way to listen to a "fun" book while exercising is very appealing to me. So it isn't even the event that matters to me, but I am enjoying the training for these events.
THEN my parents tell me of the Daniel Fast. So I thought of this Fast as a new, yet different, type of challenge. Okay, well it was a good way to get in a last "diet" before Aruba, but it's turned into much more.
This Fast is supposed to be a spiritual experience, in addition to the physical experience of a very restricted diet. The diet for this Fast is basically a vegan one with no caffeine, processed sugar, alcohol or anything not "natural" allowed. I kind of like this challenge - it is rather an easy diet in the sense that you pretty much know you can't eat anything. I do not like drinking water, I am not a fan of fruit, and I can only take so many vegetables in my diet. But that's what I've got, besides nuts and legumes.
So anyways, I'm loving this Fast (though I could not continue past a few more weeks). I am not at all worried about tracking what I eat - I know what I eat is good for me and I know that it'd take A LOT of fruits, veggies and nuts to exceed my caloric intake limit. I cannot explain how food creates baggage, but it kind of does. The obvious benefits of no caffeine, alcohol or sugar are well-known. Though I miss the actual cup of coffee, I feel just as alert after a nice morning swim as I would after a nice cup o' joe. But I don't feel worried about wanting to eat what I shouldn't - I guess that is it. I know I can't, I know I won't.
As I mentioned this is intended to be a spiritual experience. There are scripture readings that accompany the Fast but I am up at 4:30am and in bed at 10:30pm, so I'm having a little trouble finding some time to devote to them. However, I read them just before writing this post, and it turns out the Fast is intended to help you let go of the past. Now how great is that? I mean, the Fall of 2010 was seriously challenging for me. I struggled over priorities; I lost a few very much loved folks in my life; I learned a lot about people and how I am perceived by others. They were very hard lessons, but I realize the Daniel Fast came at just the right time. Here are the seven steps to letting go of the past.
1. Let go of the baggage
2. Close that chapter
3. Quit talking about the past
4. Let go of the shame
5. Enjoy today
6. Walk by faith and not by sight
7. Believe and understand the power of forgiveness
Truly, the Daniel Fast and these new physical challenges are, for me are, helping me to let go of the past. 2011 here I come.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The "Santa" Clause
"Have you taken Samara to get her picture taken with Santa yet?" When an acquaintance asked me that the other day, I had to make sure not to roll my eyes. It never occurred to me that I'd have to reconsider my "no Santa" rule for Samara's FIRST Christmas at 8 months old. Santa as our country portrays it has nothing to do with celebrating the birth of our Savior. Yes, I've been called a Grinch more than one, but it isn't that I hate Christmas. I hate Commercialismas.
The truth of the matter is, I think a very difficult part of motherhood is balancing it with all the growing commercialism of life. Halloween was my first encounter - costumes and candy, originally centered around evil sprits on the eve of All Saints Day. Never made any sense to me. At one point, I heard someone say that Halloween is a time to dress up like anything you want - anything you've ever wished you were. Now THAT is a fun idea to me, and I can "get" that. But it is hard to undo myself of all of my "ways."
Enter Christmas. And Christmas really is a hard holiday for me. Ask my mother. At least 2 Christmases, after receipt of my presents - of which there were many - I'd start to cry. My parents were very understanding - never angry or yelling which is a good thing because I was never entirely sure why I was crying. If I had to guess, I would say it is because I was not filled in any way by the gifts. The gifts were great, but I think for me the anticipation of the day and the anticipation of how I thought those gifts would make me feel were never matched.
So as people line up at midnight the day after Thanksgiving, I admit, I'm a little disgusted. When a colleague asked me if I'd gone shopping on Black Friday, I laughed and said, "No way, I'm not crazy. I can't handle all of the hype." And seconds after I said it, I realized she may actually LIKE Black Friday, which turned out to be the case. But rather than feel too embarrassed about my comment, I decided to get to the bottom of this - why does she do this? She said it was a rush - that she felt she was in the moment... I can't say that I understand THAT, but I do understand the "rush."
My "rush," for sure, is giving. It must be. I spend the entire YEAR thinking of things to get for people and then I insert my latest idea into the upcoming appropriate gift-giving occasion - Christmas, birthday, Mother/Father's Day. I take my gift-giving seriously. And it isn't that I need to get something "personal" as much as I want something useful. The last thing I want to do is give someone more junk, although I know many of my gifts have done exactly that - but then again, I never claimed to be perfect... The rush I get is that someone gets something they need - I tell you, I HAVE cried at Price is Right when someone says they have a 20-year old car, and then they win a new one. I also buy livestock each year for those in other countries, via World Vision. And I'm working on getting people to donate to others, rather than give gifts to me.
I've yet to figure out what to do about Santa. Because surely Santa IS about giving - he GIVES the gifts. I just don't like what our stores and the need for our economy to strengthen has done with a holiday around Jesus' birth. I suppose as much as I guess Samara deserves to wake up and see what SHE's been given, I want her to be excited to see the faces of those to whom she gives. So, "no" Samara is not going to get her picture taken with Santa this year. When she asks, sure. And on the way, we'll drop off donations at the local Goodwill, or bring canned food to a soup kitchen. I never knew I'd have to sign onto Santa but since it seems I will, we might as well embrace the true meaning of Santa, and give.
The truth of the matter is, I think a very difficult part of motherhood is balancing it with all the growing commercialism of life. Halloween was my first encounter - costumes and candy, originally centered around evil sprits on the eve of All Saints Day. Never made any sense to me. At one point, I heard someone say that Halloween is a time to dress up like anything you want - anything you've ever wished you were. Now THAT is a fun idea to me, and I can "get" that. But it is hard to undo myself of all of my "ways."
Enter Christmas. And Christmas really is a hard holiday for me. Ask my mother. At least 2 Christmases, after receipt of my presents - of which there were many - I'd start to cry. My parents were very understanding - never angry or yelling which is a good thing because I was never entirely sure why I was crying. If I had to guess, I would say it is because I was not filled in any way by the gifts. The gifts were great, but I think for me the anticipation of the day and the anticipation of how I thought those gifts would make me feel were never matched.
So as people line up at midnight the day after Thanksgiving, I admit, I'm a little disgusted. When a colleague asked me if I'd gone shopping on Black Friday, I laughed and said, "No way, I'm not crazy. I can't handle all of the hype." And seconds after I said it, I realized she may actually LIKE Black Friday, which turned out to be the case. But rather than feel too embarrassed about my comment, I decided to get to the bottom of this - why does she do this? She said it was a rush - that she felt she was in the moment... I can't say that I understand THAT, but I do understand the "rush."
My "rush," for sure, is giving. It must be. I spend the entire YEAR thinking of things to get for people and then I insert my latest idea into the upcoming appropriate gift-giving occasion - Christmas, birthday, Mother/Father's Day. I take my gift-giving seriously. And it isn't that I need to get something "personal" as much as I want something useful. The last thing I want to do is give someone more junk, although I know many of my gifts have done exactly that - but then again, I never claimed to be perfect... The rush I get is that someone gets something they need - I tell you, I HAVE cried at Price is Right when someone says they have a 20-year old car, and then they win a new one. I also buy livestock each year for those in other countries, via World Vision. And I'm working on getting people to donate to others, rather than give gifts to me.
I've yet to figure out what to do about Santa. Because surely Santa IS about giving - he GIVES the gifts. I just don't like what our stores and the need for our economy to strengthen has done with a holiday around Jesus' birth. I suppose as much as I guess Samara deserves to wake up and see what SHE's been given, I want her to be excited to see the faces of those to whom she gives. So, "no" Samara is not going to get her picture taken with Santa this year. When she asks, sure. And on the way, we'll drop off donations at the local Goodwill, or bring canned food to a soup kitchen. I never knew I'd have to sign onto Santa but since it seems I will, we might as well embrace the true meaning of Santa, and give.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Rats, Mosquitoes, and Teething
So my original idea for this post was that I would compare the purposeless nature of rats and mosquitoes with painful teething. As my daughter screams her lungs out, very angry and upset, I wonder why God made the process so painful. I thought a good comparison would be rats and mosquitoes, because what human can find use for them? But upon a very cursory Google search, I found the answers to both inquiries within 30 seconds.
Rats are scavengers and are important to the animal kingdom, and well... we humans exploit their existence via scientific testing and our own personal gain. So there goes THAT comparison.
Then, I looked up mosquitoes. And though it took quite a while to get to their purpose, it seems that they pollenate some plants. And well, I do believe in breathing oxygen and the more we cut down these darned plants, the less likely we are to be breathing oxygen (a joke, sort of!)
And in the same vein, I've had to find the purpose to painful teething at the seventh degree of separation. It surely isn't the pain in my daughter's eyes that could serve the purpose. Certainly my daughter has done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve this pain. So maybe the pain is for me to suffer any wrong I've done. But that theory is just ill-fitting. I don't believe God has such a direct "tit for tat" nature. Yet, maybe the pain is to test the parents and those around the child, to keep their cool. It is, if you will, the taking off of the training wheels to up the anti when puberty and hormones strike. Tim and I do have our moments when we disagree as to the method for calming our child and curing her pain.
But, after a particularly grueling night, during which I worked on my dissertation while she slept, and then unfortunately was called to "calming down baby" duty immediately upon lying in bed, I found the answer. NOTE: I said after a particularly grueling night. This morning was a gift. I know, corny, but it was. She cried for almost 2 hours straight - 4am to 6am. Finally, I got her to calm down and she and I laid in bed and, I feel, had a conversation. She chewed on her toy, babbled, and cooed. I tickled her a little bit and smothered her with kisses. And she let me because she was exhausted. She looked directly in my eyes and smiled her big, wide smile. We were both tired, but during that half hour, she let me know that she understood: it was not my fault that these teeth hurt.
Yet, who knows. Tonight, she may scream and cry and look at me as if to say, "Why?" And for mornings like these, it may not make it better, but may at least cancel out.
Rats are scavengers and are important to the animal kingdom, and well... we humans exploit their existence via scientific testing and our own personal gain. So there goes THAT comparison.
Then, I looked up mosquitoes. And though it took quite a while to get to their purpose, it seems that they pollenate some plants. And well, I do believe in breathing oxygen and the more we cut down these darned plants, the less likely we are to be breathing oxygen (a joke, sort of!)
And in the same vein, I've had to find the purpose to painful teething at the seventh degree of separation. It surely isn't the pain in my daughter's eyes that could serve the purpose. Certainly my daughter has done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve this pain. So maybe the pain is for me to suffer any wrong I've done. But that theory is just ill-fitting. I don't believe God has such a direct "tit for tat" nature. Yet, maybe the pain is to test the parents and those around the child, to keep their cool. It is, if you will, the taking off of the training wheels to up the anti when puberty and hormones strike. Tim and I do have our moments when we disagree as to the method for calming our child and curing her pain.
But, after a particularly grueling night, during which I worked on my dissertation while she slept, and then unfortunately was called to "calming down baby" duty immediately upon lying in bed, I found the answer. NOTE: I said after a particularly grueling night. This morning was a gift. I know, corny, but it was. She cried for almost 2 hours straight - 4am to 6am. Finally, I got her to calm down and she and I laid in bed and, I feel, had a conversation. She chewed on her toy, babbled, and cooed. I tickled her a little bit and smothered her with kisses. And she let me because she was exhausted. She looked directly in my eyes and smiled her big, wide smile. We were both tired, but during that half hour, she let me know that she understood: it was not my fault that these teeth hurt.
Yet, who knows. Tonight, she may scream and cry and look at me as if to say, "Why?" And for mornings like these, it may not make it better, but may at least cancel out.
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