Fill in the Blank - I'm Too Tired to Think of a Title

I would say that my "drive" is composed mostly of pride and the mere challenge of accomplishing things out of the ordinary.  When you extend yourself too much, with the intent of making your mark in the world, and the journey is so long and tiring, your drive weakens and determination waivers.  When your pride is replanted in the body of a brilliant, young, little learning star, you just don't care anymore.

I started this blog somewhere in May 2010, I think.  At that time, my plate seemed evenly portioned and light enough to balance.  I wanted to continue my work as a professional, pursue my research as a scholar, lose some weight, and BE A MOTHER.  Along the way, the number one piece of advice I've received was to "cherish the time," "don't let time slip away," "remember as much of this experience as you can."

Quite possibly I took it too literally.  I've been so concerned with spending the few hours of time I have with my daughter, that I've let my other priorities slide, and as such, they no longer seem like priorities.  But they are important to me - they make me "me" and they will define "me" to Samara.  Not to mention that this dissertation is a stepping stone - albeit a large one - to a profession and impact on the community that is important to me. 

With some very blunt advice from a few close friends, I've realized that I need to bring my plate back into balance, or I will forever be hard on myself for never completing anything.  Both my parents completed their graduate degrees while I was young.  I am not any the worse for their absences a few nights a week, not like I remember it anyways.  In fact, my mother's pursuit of a law degree while I was in high school was a major reason I pursued the same career.  I do not need research to validate what I already know - watching those with whom you relate do things you thought impossible is empowering. 

Frankly, I don't think this post even makes sense.  But to summarize: I have more on my plate than I did a year ago and I've completed nothing of which I originally set out to accomplish.  Every Sunday night I have bright hopes for how the next week will pan out.  And not one week has gone by in the way that I imagined it.  It is time to buckle down and pass the finish line.  I promise you nothing, but hope to give you something soon.

The Unsung Hero

So, when I first had the idea for this topic, I felt badly that the idea hadn't hit me two days earlier, on Fathers' Day.  Yet, as my thoughts for this entry simmered, it occurred to me that this blog entry is not about men as fathers, but men as husbands.

I've been writing about my life, all the goings-on, how I'm in and out of the house, going to Denver, continuing to work, etc.  It occurred to me on Tuesday afternoon, thinking about the annual meeting I'd attended the night before, that my aspirations would be much harder to achieve if I were in this alone.

The unsung hero in my life is my husband.  And one might say that it IS about him as a father since he "steps up to the plate" (ha!) to take on more responsibilities as a father while I take on more responsibilities as a career woman.  And though I know that he DOES take on the additional tasks with joy because he loves his daughter immensely, it is his support of my constant activity that makes him extraordinary to me.  Very rarely does he suggest I not take on another responsibility.  He rarely even reacts so I do wonder what he is thinking when I head another committee, start another research project, sign-on to plan another event, RSVP to attend another meeting, and the list goes on and on.

So my husband is not only an amazing father who takes on parenting tasks after arriving home from a full day's work, but he does not question or limit my dedication to the additional passions in my life.  Without his staying at home with Samara on countless nights, I would not be the multi-tasking, prioritizing women I am so proud to be.  Thank you Tim.

Here I Am, My Mission (and I choose to accept)

So here I am, and I have a lot on my plate. "The Portioned Plate" So much to do, so little time. I am a new mother - my daughter is 11 weeks olds today. But I have so many other things going on - a job, my dissertation, church, the gym, a passion for dance and music...

The thing is, there is some stigma with being a working mother. These days, yes, the economy calls for down-sizing. So maybe that does require a parent to stay at home rather than pay a similar amount to a stranger to take care of said baby. And yes, I DO involve myself in things that interest me beyond the pooping, eating and sleeping schedule of my baby and I am NOT male, I promise. Is that wrong - that I am a mother who does not eat, sleep and breathe in sync with her newborn's schedule? And if it IS okay, how do I navigate that working world while letting my young one know I care as much as the next dedicated mother?

How DID it end up that males got all the breaks? Oh, I know, they don't always have it easy, but in this instance, they do. I mean, no one looks twice when they hold a beer and their baby at the same time; no one glances at their "size" while walking down Aisle 10 at the grocery store; no one EXPECTS them to pick up the baby if s/he gets hungry (and therefore screams) at a restaurant. There are just some things forever linked to motherhood - for which we (moms) will always be responsible for being (or not being, but suffering the cost).

The burden we bear is great, but I don't care. I bear the burden and ignore the stigma. Here is my vow - I WILL be a new mother who spends as much time with her daughter as she can. I WILL be a new mother who graduates with her dissertation in May of 2011. I WILL be the mother who loses her "baby fat" in less time than it took to acquire it.