Checkpoint

I have had a lot of ideas for this blog - this is a special blog.  One year ago, at this time (now 10:40am) I was in labor.  I remember vaguely watching Let's Make a Deal - that's right, always watching a game show - but sans pain medication, it all seemed rather a blur from about this time up until her birth at 1:31pm.  And so while I've been excited to have a checkpoint in my journey as a mother, I am so sick today I can hardly think.  And downstairs, my husband kindly took the day off to watch Samara, who is also very sick. 

In the short term this turn of events - Samara didn't get to wear her "first birthday" outfit to school, she and I can't go swimming tonight, I am praying I make it through my presentation without coughing too violently - a new reality of mine surfaces.  "Do not get frustrated when your plans do not work out they way you'd thought they would."  It is funny I even need to say that since my main motto in life is to "expect the worst and hope for the best."  But it is true, motherhood led me to believe that I could tackle life as I had been, add on this ginormous responsibility of Samara and her needs and growth developments, and after a few months, I'd "adjust."

Here we are, March 29, 2011.  There are so many things on my to do list, undone.  Ranging from longterm -no proposal submitted; to short term - I haven't unpacked my bags from my trip last Friday.  Last week I picked up an organizing magazine.  I am - preferrably - organized; I am - in reality - an organized mess.  The mess part can stress me out like no other.  I read this magazine planning to find ideas to prepare my house to put on the market.  I have tons of ideas but I figured reading from the experts couldn't hurt.  After loving the magazine, I decided I would get a book - I needed something longer, more tangible than a few little magazine articles.  Thinking I was getting a magazine about organizing my house, I picked up Simplify Your Life, by Marcia Ramsland. 

This is a book NOT about organizing your house, but organizing your life.  And lately, my life is a mess. I maintain ONE simple daily routine and that is my 4pm to 8pm time with Samara.  Other than that, your guess is as good as mine what I might be doing.  The "I'll do it tomorrow" mentality was becoming suffocating.  Then reading this book was like a "coming home," if you will.  On the one hand, I was rather proud of myself since many of the techniques Marcia discussed were ones that I somehow did already.  I was a little frustrated, however, because if I have that knowledge why isn't it successfully getting me out of this mess?

The elements that Marcia introduced to me were ways to not feel drowned if you didn't meet your personal goals for that day.  She gave me formulas - i.e. you should not have plans more than 2 out of the 3 weekend nights and more than 2 out of the 4 weekday nights.  If you do, you are headed toward crisis.  This is a part of reading your calendar horizontally - looking ahead, learning to use your schedule as a warning for when you might have a meltdown; learning to schedule events so as to avoid a meltdown.  And she is so right.  Thankfully this particular week is actually rather quiet, but the three weeks before this have been very very difficult, with so many things to do and so many places to be.

So the point is, I plan to organize and simplify my life over the next year.  I hope to write a much more "accomplished" email in one year, but I know that figuring it all out is a huge step in the right direction.

Fill in the Blank - I'm Too Tired to Think of a Title

I would say that my "drive" is composed mostly of pride and the mere challenge of accomplishing things out of the ordinary.  When you extend yourself too much, with the intent of making your mark in the world, and the journey is so long and tiring, your drive weakens and determination waivers.  When your pride is replanted in the body of a brilliant, young, little learning star, you just don't care anymore.

I started this blog somewhere in May 2010, I think.  At that time, my plate seemed evenly portioned and light enough to balance.  I wanted to continue my work as a professional, pursue my research as a scholar, lose some weight, and BE A MOTHER.  Along the way, the number one piece of advice I've received was to "cherish the time," "don't let time slip away," "remember as much of this experience as you can."

Quite possibly I took it too literally.  I've been so concerned with spending the few hours of time I have with my daughter, that I've let my other priorities slide, and as such, they no longer seem like priorities.  But they are important to me - they make me "me" and they will define "me" to Samara.  Not to mention that this dissertation is a stepping stone - albeit a large one - to a profession and impact on the community that is important to me. 

With some very blunt advice from a few close friends, I've realized that I need to bring my plate back into balance, or I will forever be hard on myself for never completing anything.  Both my parents completed their graduate degrees while I was young.  I am not any the worse for their absences a few nights a week, not like I remember it anyways.  In fact, my mother's pursuit of a law degree while I was in high school was a major reason I pursued the same career.  I do not need research to validate what I already know - watching those with whom you relate do things you thought impossible is empowering. 

Frankly, I don't think this post even makes sense.  But to summarize: I have more on my plate than I did a year ago and I've completed nothing of which I originally set out to accomplish.  Every Sunday night I have bright hopes for how the next week will pan out.  And not one week has gone by in the way that I imagined it.  It is time to buckle down and pass the finish line.  I promise you nothing, but hope to give you something soon.