So I signed in thinking I would write about one thing, but after reading a comment, I decided to write about another. The leaving of the little one... I look back on it now and the first time I left Samara I forgot to say goodbye to her. Oops, is that bad? I was so "into" making sure that I had everything prepared for my mother-in-law, and then packing what I needed for my meeting (yes, I went to a meeting when Samara was 2 weeks old), as well as my pump and the necessaries for that, I up and walked out the door without thinking and without looking back. About 5 miles up the highway I realized I'd forgotten my farewell. And did I cry? Or turn around and race home? Nope. I kept on keeping on, knowing that there was little difference in my care for her then my mother-in-law's. But I admit, I made sure not to picture her little fingers or toes, or the curve of her nose (yes that is rhyming prose!).
And 8 weeks later, the dawn of her daycare days, did I shed a tear? Why no, this void-of-feeling mother did not. But a wave of fear, anxiety, depression and sadness did pulse through my veins for about 5 seconds - I think we humans call it panic? So, I DO have some maternal bones in my body. And I only joke because I know my feelings for my child. I know that being around people is good for my baby and interacting with youth of all ages is a great experience. Okay so maybe 11 weeks is a little early for this type of exposure to really shape her character but it'll happen. It did with me.
So why is it that my husband and I have not left Samara with a sitter so we could have a night out alone together? We've got her in daycare and obviously trust others. Is it because we don't have a sitter? Ha! Now that's a joke. A member of my board of directors, seconds after my getting accepted into my new position and my being seven months preggo, walked over and handed me her business card so I could contact her for babysitting. And she is one of a handful of people (okay, women) who I've met throughout my interactions here in York offering their babysitting services. And my mother-in-law once offered to "take home a cake she had made me, and return it days later" so I wouldn't eat it all (with the real purpose of seeing Samara again). Naw, the thing of it is, I don't think my HUSBAND wants to leave her. Go figure! I mean, he's fine with daycare. We both understand it is necessary, but I can't get him to leave her for our own "alone time." And the time I went to Denver (yup, I left Samara for two days, one night when she was six weeks old!) I set it up so my mother would take care of her. Tim INSISTED that he would take two days off of work to watch her instead. And though crushed at not being able to watch her, my mother so astutely pointed out that I am blessed to have a husband who wants to be a father. Amen to that!
Soon the day will come when he'll want a night out with just me...? Eh, we'll see!
I think that you are amazingly brave to say all this. I think that it is a strong mother who can keep intact...herself and be someone that her daughter can get to KNOW. Samara will be able to get to know her mother because you will not take on a new persona that is ONLY about being a mother. I see so many of my friends who take on motherhood as their only personality trait/only quality and it makes me sad. I want to scream "you are so much more than dirty diapers and board books!"
ReplyDeletePeople have often "pittied" me when I tell them that I went to daycare as a child. This has always confused me. We grew up in a house where when we were home, together as a family, time together was important. Time together was to be cherished and not spent needlessly. I think that this was an amazing gift, and exactly what you are doing for Samara.