I do not whine - kids whine.

I've had the privilege - I do actually mean "privilege"- of experiencing two extraordinarily different processes to obtaining a doctorate: the juris doctorate ("JD") and the doctorate of philosophy ("PhD").  I started my pursuit of the JD in 2004; the PhD in 2006.  I finished my JD, as a full-time employee/part-time student, in 2008 and passed the Bar Exam during the same year.  After coursework, a comprehensive exam and a field exam, I started my proposal work for my PhD in 2009, defended my proposal in 2012... and, well, await the defense process for the dissertation.

In discussion with the few folks who have the ability to explain the difference between two, I've been told that the JD is a sprint while the PhD is a marathon.  This analogy is, for the most part, true of the JD - everything is scripted for you - take this number of credits, focus on these classes, graduate, etc. - and then from Memorial Day of one year to the end of July of the same year, you put aside everything for which you have any concern and you LIVE and BREATHE the law.  You study as if you have no other care in the world, and it is best if you truly don't.  If you're lucky, and I do mean that since plenty of brilliant people I know did not pass the Bar Exam the first time, you pass the Exam and can go back to the people you love to take on what may be a new career path. And for the most part, that was the JD process for me. I could not drop everything since I was working full time, but with no children at the time, and little else on my plate, that was my focus.

The PhD, for me however, has NOT been a marathon.  Paralleling my academic path, as some of you may know is this: in 2006 I moved from Maryland to Pennsylvania (creating a long commute); in 2007 I got married; in 2008 I changed jobs; in 2010 I changed jobs, had my first daughter, and lost a very good friend of mine; in 2011 I lost my grandfather, in 2012 I had my second daughter; in 2013 I changed jobs and in 2014 I lost my grandmother (and any hope of defending the dissertation).

I would like to point out, before you read any further, that my path is not unlike any other person getting their PhD who is mid-career.  Yes, many people do not have a JD under their belt already, but for most of the people who I meet who are trying to complete their PhD - for those at higher education institutions where the PhD is something to work for rather than spoon-fed - the process has been long and the years of life changes have been huge stumbling blocks.

Given these stumbling blocks, I've decided the PhD is NOT a marathon... it is a Tough Mudder: filled with obstacles.  The Tough Mudder is a 10-12 mile obstacle course designed to test all-around strength, stamina, teamwork and mental grit.  I should point out that I've done four Tough Mudders and zero marathons (I had a marathon planned for June 2015, but due to dissertation-extension, it's been taken off my calendar).  Any conjecture I make as to how the Tough Mudder is harder than a marathon is merely conjecture. So yes, I imagine that a marathon is hard because it is long and requires all of the qualities listed for the Tough Mudder.

Here's the thing: a marathon is 26.2 miles; sit in traffic on any one highway for long enough and you'll be reminded through someone's bumper sticker.  I would imagine, that as you run a marathon there is some idea - if not through a runner's app such a MapMyRun - of where you are on the course and how long you have left until you reach 26.2 miles.  Conversely, notice how the description of the Tough Mudder says, "a 10-12 mile obstacle course..."  So you don't know when you start, nor while you are completing it, for how long you'll be on this obstacle course.  Now, I suppose for someone seasoned to run 26.2 miles, a measly 10 OR 12 miles is nothing.  But for me, who completed her first Tough Mudder when 3 miles was a big deal, 10 miles seemed like forever and 12 miles seemed impossible.

And that mental grit mentioned is exactly what I did NOT have.  My first Tough Mudder was really awful.  Probably - I guess - at about the six-mile marker I just wanted it to be done and rather than DO the obstacles and be in the moment, I spent the entire rest of the course wishing for it to be over... So, the obstacles vary - leaping over fire, carrying logs on your shoulder while ascending a steep ski slope, jumping off high planks, running through live wire, 3-mile trail runs, etc. etc.  That very first Tough Mudder I took was hard for me because I had NO IDEA WHEN IT WOULD END.  I had no idea if I was three miles through, seven miles through or around the corner from the finish line.

So this, folks, is why a dissertation is like a Tough Mudder. I have no damned idea when it will be over. I was told that upon giving it to my Chair, and upon his approval to send it to my Committee, and upon my readers' approval that I would defend, edit, submit graduation paperwork and be on my merry way, across the stage and into PhD-dom.   Ever since I gave that 400-page document to my Chair - June 2014 - I have had no control over the process and not a clue when it will end.  My Chair took two months just to get me substantive feedback, which was mostly positive, and then took his time giving me permission to send to my Committee "at my own risk."  From there, it seems there have been some academic disputes over the scope, direction and focus of my work that my readers and Chair continue to discuss.  I wait. I get feedback, apply, and wait again.

In the end I hope that this is a 12-mile Tough Mudder course and that I'm at mile ten.  The title of this blog, "I do not whine - kids whine," is one of the elements of the pledge we're required to state prior to the race (after having honored wounded warriors).  The other four are: I understand that Tough Mudder is not a race, but a challenge; I put teamwork and comaraderie before my course time; I help my fellow mudders complete the course; I overcome all fears.

And it's true: I've embraced these five pledge elements in my life as a part of this dissertation: I have learned that this is NOT a race but a very difficult learning, academic process.  I have learned much from this, about my life, my priorities and who I am. While I would like to finish soon I have to keep my family going and learn to balance my priorities to keep everyone happy (and sane).  I have met great people who I have helped and who have helped me, as we all try and finish this process some day soon.  And I have overcome fears. I have confronted failure; I have confronted giving up; but more importantly, I have learned that I have to confront those who disagree with me on something VERY personal to me (not a case I've read that affects a client). I have had to defend my personal work that encompasses five years of blood, sweat, tears and sacrifice.

I should point out that my second Tough Mudder was AWESOME! I knew not to expect an end, I had trained to run 13 miles so that 12 miles wouldn't seem so bad, and I embraced each obstacle course. I LOVED it!!

At the end of the Tough Mudder you get a free beer, along with a sweatband and a lot of muddy clothes.  After this first Tough Mudder I also got bad shin splints which required a boot for six months.  At the end of this dissertation, I'll have the label of "doctor" and a lot of student loans to start paying off.  What I take away from both of these experiences are more than physical and it is for this reason I'm not going to rush the label of "doctor" any more.  I'll take it one day at a time knowing that there is no other way to deal with an experience that has no definite end.

Getting Even

So here it is.  August.

There are few ways I imagined this month of August 2014.
1. In a huge stroke of luck I would have already defended my dissertation and would be making my edits this month.
2. I would have sent my dissertation edits to my committee and would be awaiting the responses from my committee members, preparing to defend any day.
3. I would have my edits back from my Chair and would be preparing to send the draft to my committee.
4. Etc., etc., etc.

Here is what is actually happening.  My Chair's life is just a little bit overwhelming for him right now (not to sound dramatic but it is unfair for me to air his personal life in cyberspace so I'll just leave it at that) and he cannot meet my preferred deadlines.

Yes. I'm paying tuition for another semester in which I'll receive little if any instruction.

But it's time to get even.  I await his edits but there is so much more in my life that matters.  And all along there has been so much more in my life that has mattered but I've been unable to really overcome the speed bump of a dissertation that's been in my way.  I think my self-pity for getting in over my head caused me to wallow.  It is great to encounter so many people who have read about my diss-journey via Facebook.  At least once a day someone asks me how it is going.  And frankly, a part of me is embarrassed that I needed the pressure of setting public deadlines in order to get my butt in gear.  But it is what it is.

And it's time to get even.

No.   I'm no angry.  I'm not settling the score with anyone.  It's time to even out my life that has been so damned weighed down with one single topic.  It's time to BE with family.  It's time to WORK at work.  It's time to FOCUS on those things that matter.  And there is so much that matters.

If July is a sign of how much I can catch up on the things that need to be done in my house, it's a good sign.  It's a very odd thing to have "free" time but it isn't free.  There is so much to do.  So many people to payback and BE with and KNOW.  There are two little ones who have waited so long for Saturdays with me - and they have been WONDERFUL Saturdays.  There are trips to see my nephew awaiting me.  There is a basement to be cleaned and a house to be renovated and bills to be filed and memories to be documented.  That is what 2014 is about for me.  Getting even.  Finding balance.  Living.  Being.

And yes.  Waiting.  It'll come - that day when I get edits, make edits, send off my diss.  It's not yet.  But I'm okay with that too.

Tunnel Vision

I have not forgotten about this writing platform.  It crosses my mind but most often I think, "I have so little time and so many other things about which to write, let's put that on hold."  And then, something irksome just hits me, sticks with me, and won't let me go.  So I write.

For eleven months I have put most of my life aside so I can get out of the way something I wish I had never let it - that is no secret.  My jealous mistress - the diss. - waits in the wings, breathes down my neck, and reminds me incessantly that "she" is my priority.  And she has to be - or else I don't think I could handle what is required of me to actually complete this ginormous undertaking.  So while I have a huge desire to support my marriage, raise my children, further my career, visit my family and contribute my time and talents to my community, I am locked into an academic vortex.  Tunnel vision.

Another part of this lifestyle is acting completely apathetic to the cares and concerns around me.  It is not intentional but I cannot attend every birthday party, every jewelry party, every gym class or every fundraiser.  THIS part of the equation is not new to me - I have been in graduate school for ten years (law school) and have gotten well-versed in this exchange.

In order to keep this tunnel vision I am blessed: I live so far away from a huge portion of my family that I can, quite literally, avoid all family stressors.  But then again, I am cursed: I live so far away from a huge portion of my family that I cannot, quite literally, be involved.

I don't know what is hardest to learn: my grandmother is confused about a huge life change over which she has no control; or my mother is distraught over a huge life change over which she has control but knows what's best.  I don't know what is hardest to accept: I cannot drive over to my grandmother and play cards with her and give her a hug; or I can't have coffee with my mother to let her talk out her frustrations and give her a hug.  I don't know what is hardest to realize: I can't offer any help to any single one of my family members. at. all; or that I must continue to focus solely on myself in order to get myself out of this mess and move on with my life.

My mother has always been my rock.  She is my rock because she is strong, solid, smart and spiritual.  I have no delusions of her weaknesses - I can't say I know them all but I know they are there. What I wish is that I didn't have to have tunnel vision.  What I wish is that I could be someone on which she could rely.  What I wish is that her sentiments weren't so on point. (http://lampandlighthouse.blogspot.com/2014/04/an-issue-of-heart.html?spref=fb)  What I wish is that life weren't so messy.  I wish for her what I wish for my children - that I can get out of this and give 100% more to everyone.

In All Fairness

Today was great for a variety of reasons.  Good office day; good dissertation day: nothing about which to complain.  But it was also a crappy day.  It was my only week night at home with my family - supposed to be good, right?  And maybe I put too much stock in that.  Because the nights when I am home I feel I need to not only see my children and be with them, but also tidy a bit, take over as much as possible for dinner, do the laundry, sort through the mail... you know, everything else.

And maybe it is less about what time I have, but more about how I see the time that others have, and the - yup - jealously - I have...  See my day is this:
5am: Diss.
7am: Get myself and girls ready and off to school.
8am-5pm (or later): Work.
5pm, if schedule allows: Get girls and go home.
5:30pm: come home, tidy up from the other days/nights I've not been around, try to change out of work clothes quickly, make sure I'm reading everything from the pre-school so I don't miss a beat, read mail, pay bills, do laundry, etc.
6pm: Dinner.
6:30pm: Dishes.
7pm: Read a draft of something while I watch Sesame Street with girls.
8pm: bed time with girls
8:30pm: diss or work-work until 11pm.
Then bed.

So let's break this down a bit - just a bit.  What do you think is the most valuable part of my day? 7-8am and 5-8pm - the time with my family (four hours).  But do you see what I have to do during those times?  I am rushing the girls in the morning and in the evening I'm herding them here and there to tidy and put things away and try and read them books out loud while rushing around to read mail, pay bills, do laundry... yadda yadda yadda.

I'm not a single mother; I'm not in an unfulfilling marriage.  I'm blessed with a husband who is an amazing father.  I'm a happy career woman and I manage my time well.  But today I come home and - again my ONLY night home - I do all the things that ease my guilt about being gone many nights... and I completely missed time with my girls.

Whether this is a gender thing... I do not know, but I pose this question: For fathers who work late/often, when they are home do they do housework or do they spend time with their children?  Is it my own complex of what causes guilt that is getting in my way and causing me to clean away the time I should spend with my children?  And none of that can matter because any night home is my night to give Tim a break from the large responsibility he has every other night (where, by the way, clutter piles up).

It is likely that this post is my own type of therapy, to explain why the girls hardly paid any attention to me tonight but instead clung to my husband; why when it was time for bed one chose my husband over me, and why the other child is acting out all over the place.

I'm not going to make much more of this but I wanted to write it all out.  This is temporary - at least to this extent.  I know my girls, love them, they love me, etc.  I'm not worried.  But the nights that don't work out in my favor are nights I'd rather not experience.

Lesson?  I should just stop cleaning  :-)

FROM FAT (Tuesday) to FOCUS to FORWARD to FINISHED

So truth is, I'm just writing this post because it's been a while and I should let you know I'm still "here."  It's FAT Tuesday today.  I'm psyched more than normal because this means today I might really go a little crazy with the calories.  Tomorrow, Lent begins and I'm going to put my best foot forward to make this a Lent that counts.

If, as I have for the past nine months or so, I treat this dissertation as part of God's plan for me, than to really devote myself to the life I have - which is a life where I have a family I cherish and a job that really matters to me - I must FOCUS.  I must hunker down and get through this.  It means I must also continue to spend as much, and a little bit more, time at work maintaining that part of my life too.  And you do the math: a lot of time on dissertation + more time at work = REAL attention to my family as to how I can make the time I DO have with them, count the most.

And still I'm going to try, with absolutely no promises, to workout a little bit.  Lord knows I want to, I know what to do, what classes to take, when and where they take place, etc. but I've put dissertation and work first - because I have to.  I've been spending 2 to 6 hours outside of the typical work day on this dissertation and/or work projects - more on Saturdays and Sunday.  But still, I am going to try a one-mile challenge for all of Lent.  While I've maintained my weight, I do have some weight to lose and I've gone no where in the past month in that regard.  And while this is a time for me to focus on my job and my dissertation, I think 15 minutes per day to get ready, run and cool down really is a length of time I can sacrifice.  Best part is, I'll feel good; I'll feel HUMAN again.  My six flight-climb and descent every day isn't quite cutting it; and no matter how far away I park I just end up late and flustered :-)

In the past I've picked deadlines, counted down to the end of this dissertation endeavor, and then made up excuses as to why the deadline wasn't met at that particular time.  A huge reason for this is that I've made those projections without the input of my Chair.  And see, he is where my metaphorical (and I suppose actual, if you count tuition) "buck stops."  If he don't like it, don't no one like it.  And actually, that is a good thing - he will not let me step into that defense room until he HE is willing to defend my dissertation.  While I do have a date in mind, for now, I'll get through Lent putting my best foot forward to FOCUS.  I have 40 days and 40 nights.  Hint: That is JUST under half of the number of days I envision until I submit my draft to my committee.  If I can make this 40 days count, maybe I'll be on the better side of this (as in FINISHED) come the second half of 2014...

Love is…

A note from your husband telling you he can’t wait for you to finish your dissertation for selfish reasons – that he’d like to spend time with you again.  And while I know that is true, I suspect that my finishing would be pleasant for him because he would no longer be a single dad for most of the week.  To him, my finishing soon would mean that I could either work late at night or early in the morning or all weekend – not all three, every day, every week, endlessly.

And if, for one minute, I allow myself to bask in the glory of that wonderful message – that my husband, my best friend, is getting impatient to spend time with me again – I am vulnerable to an increasingly apparent fact in my life:  I am so damned lucky.   It is a vulnerability of sorts because I do, in fact, have everything in the world that I want.  And to finish this large project and be with my family, to finally be a part of their growth, love, laughter, cries, frustrations… phew!  Awesomeness.

Folks, the best part is: I’m on track for the deadline I set a month ago.  It hasn’t been easy – I wake at 4:30am, go to bed at midnight, and work all day Saturday.  I no longer go to the gym.  I sometimes have to do work instead of research, but I’m still on track and that is what counts.  I’m not revealing my deadline because I feel that the I sort of get jinxed every time I do, but I’m close enough that I think I’ll be confident to tell you in March.  And at this rate, that may be the next time I post.

Love is… the best family in the world – beyond my husband, of course – but especially my husband.

Relative Fun

I’m here and it’s time to hold true to my promise.  And as anyone who’s been “following” my experience can attest, holding true to my promise has been difficult. I’ve not done it.   I started counting down 100 days so that I’d be done with my diss. sometime in December 2013.  Then it was sometime in April 2014.  I’ve been having trouble truly gauging the time it takes for me to finish tasks.  The truth is that it was and will be neither.   I have an idea of when but I’m no longer going to publish it until I get a better sense of how I spend my time.  I realize that for most people this has become similar to the boy crying wolf… no one really considers what I promise because I’ve yet to deliver.

And so now I’m here and it’s time to hold true to my promise.  Where am I?  Aruba.  What promise?  To continue to work on my dissertation every day while I’m here. “Give yourself a break.”  “Take time off.”  “Get some rest.”  “Enjoy time with your family.”  I’ve heard it all for almost ten years (I started law school in the fall of 2004 and haven’t been out of graduate school since).  But I listen to none of it.  In fact, those statements got me into this mess.  There is always something in which I could participate that “means something.”  Every single day I make the trade off.  And so what?  I’m here in a tropical place typing on a computer.  I’m working.  Yup, I am.

I’m here with relatives and it’s fun, so yes, “Relative Fun.”  But I’m here having fun while working, so arguably fun is relative because I AM working.  And it is what I’m going to do until I’m done with this dissertation.  I’m making progress though. I look back and think about all of my bad habits, my well-intentioned “breaks,” the vacations, the family-time:  I see how I got in this situation.

I’ve done 2 hours of work today, already, and this is only my first full day here.  That is more than I sometimes get in a day at home if I work late at my job.  I don’t want to break these habits.  This is about being done.  This is about investing time.  This IS about having fun with my family some day, some time, uninhibited, guiltless…but not now.  My girls understand and frankly they’ve never known differently.  This is my relative fun and it’s what I’ve got and what I’ve known for almost ten years. 

Don’t worry though – this is my first full football game I’ve seen this entire year – GO PATS!

Repent

I just got to work but I'm going to take about ten minutes to get these thoughts out.  While this blog has recently been dedicated to the trials and tribulations of my dissertation writing, I am going to "get religious on you."

I'm currently fasting.  While it is a very difficult type of fast (no meat, dairy, sugar, alcohol, caffeine, or processed foods - try cooking for your family when you can even lick your fingers ONCE!) I actually really enjoy it and look forward to it.  I'm on day 6 which means I've gotten over the blood-sugar low of days 2 & 3.

But while I am fasting my belly, so to speak, the point is really to find a focus for prayer with God.  And anyone who has read this blog or talked to me about what I do in my free time would know what my focus is: my dissertation, duh.  And specifically, my focus for worship with God, for this year's fast, is how I stay motivated.  Anyone who has read my posts on this blog or on FB would know that I am a manic graduate student - up and down; it'll get done, it'll never get done.

Meanwhile, I've been gaining weight.  What does this have to do with anything?  Well, I wish "nothing" but the problem is "everything."  I am such a balanced character, and maybe it is because I grew up learning my academic and studying skills while dancing 15 hours a week, that I cannot find the time to write if I don't balance it with exercise.  I cannot separate the brain function of thinking and brainstorming with the necessity of adrenaline from a good workout.  Otherwise, I find myself square in front of the television mentally harping on who I am, what I am doing, my waste of time, episode after episode.

So today I read my daily devotion for the Daniel Fast and it was about the word "repent."  While it is usually used to "be sorry" it can also mean "to reconsider or think differently."  Another blog I read about dissertation-writing is entitled, "Old ideas and new perspectives."  Add that to the fact that I have somehow found a way to exercise and write (and raise my family and work my job) and I would say that God is helping me to repent; the fast is helping me to take my old ideas and apply new perspectives. 

It's Day 4. Here's to hoping (I say that a lot, I know) I can keep this up and that this blog is not just another "high" in my manic graduate student career.

#thedanielfast #lelizlaw