I knew this would happen - I knew the honeymoon would end. I had been sort of floating on this belief/desire to finish and having a more immediate deadline kept it fresh and relevant to me. But I also had a new routine (new job), new things to get used to: and for me, that means new energy. Simultaneously I needed to create a consistent schedule; input some structure. And while I'm sure I'm not the only one, I feel sort of ridiculous for how often I chide myself for being so inconsistent, so wishy washy, so needy but so unwilling to ask for help... I mean, who would I ask for help anyways? At this point, I have all the structures and supports in place, it is the damned writing that needs to be done.
I am an extremist - I am either wide awake or dozing off; exercising every day or taking a one-month (or more) sabbatical; up early and to bed late or up late and to bed early. And in this case: writing every day or not at all. I've fallen into a not at all. Which is killer. Killer. I no longer hate my dissertation. I've come to terms with it in that I need to finish it and it will get done but somehow those cheers last until about 8:30pm when I "conveniently" find other tasks -no joke; seriously- just as important but tasks I might have gotten done at other points of the day.
And the extremist in me knew that the moment I conceded that I could not get this done in my 75 day challenge - the minutes after typing that I couldn't meet my 2013 challenge - the seconds after I decided working out would be allowable in my schedule... that I would lose focus; that my social calendar would fill up (whose doesn't during the holidays - sheesh, it is crazy!); that my dissertation would - once again - be an ole ball n' chain that I drag around constantly reminding me of what I've not yet done, and smothering me with guilt every day I fail to write.
Luckily, I joined a PhD forum that promotes a week of accountability each month. There is just enough "spice" to it that it is something new that gets me going, but it is also a constant, monthly event that I can plan. http://www.phdforum.co.uk/ in case anyone would like to see what it's about. So, I got done tonight what I should have gotten done about a week ago, but I won't let that derail me. I will work throughout this week - day by day - and will take it for what it's worth. Life is a constant struggle and this dissertation lends me no release to such a theory.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Saturday, September 21, 2013
The Reality
In a completely NON-pessimistic way I just need to report that this day is just not going well... And because every minute on a Saturday impacts my dissertation timeline, I am realizing I may not meet my deadline.
I am one hour's worth of work away from submitting my 1st case study. Yet for some reason I feel compelled to write this first... And, technically this is my 3rd case study but various changes in thoughts/processes, etc. have required me to "throw out" the first 2. I now have 9 more to complete. If I were to take as long with the next nine as this most recent one took me, it'd take me 9 months just to do the case studies and those are my synthesized materials from which I write my results so I still have at least 6 or 7 chapters to write after that...
And as each day has passed a new work deadline, a flat tire, or my allowing Tim some "Tim-time" has come up and I can't meet my quota for the day. The more I work on this, however, I realize more elements to the research are needed which will take longer. And with such a tight timeline I just shrug it off and say, "I'll make it happen some way."
How is "it" supposed to happen if I can't even get what is scheduled to happen? You should see the "proposed schedule" I have for meeting my deadline. Work on it 4am to 6am and then 8:30pm to 11:30pm. Now, I will say, I've been lucky to commit to at least one of these time frames on a daily basis about 99% of the time, but my timeline has relied on meeting BOTH of these time frames, which is just ridiculous. Worse, I fear that as the gap in my actual progress to my proposed progress increases I'll lose my faith in the process.
And it is exactly this "faith" in the process that I've had for the past 3 months. I have done SO much in the past 3 months to move this thing forward... Spiritually, mentally and physically I have made some real changes in my life. Wonderful ones, really. Outgrowth of blessings.
In the end, my secondary deadline of finishing before my birthday will not happen with the expansion of my case studies from 4 in number to 10. I have a much simpler plan in mind that I need to hash out. This schedule will by no means take the urgency out of my completion but it will be more realistic.
I am one hour's worth of work away from submitting my 1st case study. Yet for some reason I feel compelled to write this first... And, technically this is my 3rd case study but various changes in thoughts/processes, etc. have required me to "throw out" the first 2. I now have 9 more to complete. If I were to take as long with the next nine as this most recent one took me, it'd take me 9 months just to do the case studies and those are my synthesized materials from which I write my results so I still have at least 6 or 7 chapters to write after that...
And as each day has passed a new work deadline, a flat tire, or my allowing Tim some "Tim-time" has come up and I can't meet my quota for the day. The more I work on this, however, I realize more elements to the research are needed which will take longer. And with such a tight timeline I just shrug it off and say, "I'll make it happen some way."
How is "it" supposed to happen if I can't even get what is scheduled to happen? You should see the "proposed schedule" I have for meeting my deadline. Work on it 4am to 6am and then 8:30pm to 11:30pm. Now, I will say, I've been lucky to commit to at least one of these time frames on a daily basis about 99% of the time, but my timeline has relied on meeting BOTH of these time frames, which is just ridiculous. Worse, I fear that as the gap in my actual progress to my proposed progress increases I'll lose my faith in the process.
And it is exactly this "faith" in the process that I've had for the past 3 months. I have done SO much in the past 3 months to move this thing forward... Spiritually, mentally and physically I have made some real changes in my life. Wonderful ones, really. Outgrowth of blessings.
In the end, my secondary deadline of finishing before my birthday will not happen with the expansion of my case studies from 4 in number to 10. I have a much simpler plan in mind that I need to hash out. This schedule will by no means take the urgency out of my completion but it will be more realistic.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Concession
A while back - pre dissertation-blogging-days but since I have had this blog - I posted about enjoying the processes of things. I believe it was related to my learning to like running. I still remember the particular run, the thoughts running through my head (pun unrealized until I re-read this) and the epiphany I had.
Unlike that experience, this is much less of an epiphany and more of a concession. It can no longer be an epiphany if I know what it is I'm about to realize. I instead slowly admit that all along I've known the answer but have refused to see it.
"So," you ask, "what the hell are you talking about, Leigh?"
I'll get to that. Hold on.
About every day for the past... 5 years (since I've passed the Bar Exam) I've thought about how I cannot wait until I finish this dissertation but simultaneously (this feeling about the time I found out I was pregnant with Samara - 8-1-09) wanting to live every moment as fully as possible. This is probably the most antagonizing feeling to have to grapple with every day.
The simplest solution, the one I have always known and the one to which I am realizing I must concede, is that I must ACTUALLY want to live the moments of my dissertation as fully as possible. I have, quite literally, tried praying my way through this research. And while I'm certain there is no Biblical scripture telling me one way or the other that dissertations are not worthy of prayers, something tells me the more I pray to God to get OUT of this process, the more He embeds me in it. And in this sense I concede not only to love the longest most intimidating process I've ever encountered, but I concede that I am growing and learning more than the subject-matter of my research.
To illustrate my stubbornness, here is my dessert list - my list of how much I wish this thing were over...
43. Put up a new basketball hoop.
42. Go on more walks.
41. Go skiing
40. Go camping
39. Consider consolidating my email inboxes so that don't have seven (no joke) seven accounts to check
38. Clean out my email inboxes
37. Organize a Christmas visit to NYC with mom, sis and the cousins
36. Go to Philly once a month to take master classes for the day
35. Institute a routine of bringing artwork to assisted living home
34. Donate
33. Visit my newphew/Godson MUCH more often!
32. Sleep in, maybe?
31. Go to Opera Night at Sotto Sopra
30. Set up dates with my friends from Baltimore that I miss
29. Work longer at work so that I can be my best
28. Institute daily meditation time
27. Join York Road Runners Club
26. Run with Kazi as much as possible.
25. Try cross fit
24. Go to the playground and hang with the girls for as long as they want without having anything in the back of my mind.
23. Watch the movies and shows I have saved on the DVR.
22. Take piano lessons with Mari.
21. Pay attention to what GoodReads actually is because I think I would actually like it.
Unlike that experience, this is much less of an epiphany and more of a concession. It can no longer be an epiphany if I know what it is I'm about to realize. I instead slowly admit that all along I've known the answer but have refused to see it.
"So," you ask, "what the hell are you talking about, Leigh?"
I'll get to that. Hold on.
About every day for the past... 5 years (since I've passed the Bar Exam) I've thought about how I cannot wait until I finish this dissertation but simultaneously (this feeling about the time I found out I was pregnant with Samara - 8-1-09) wanting to live every moment as fully as possible. This is probably the most antagonizing feeling to have to grapple with every day.
The simplest solution, the one I have always known and the one to which I am realizing I must concede, is that I must ACTUALLY want to live the moments of my dissertation as fully as possible. I have, quite literally, tried praying my way through this research. And while I'm certain there is no Biblical scripture telling me one way or the other that dissertations are not worthy of prayers, something tells me the more I pray to God to get OUT of this process, the more He embeds me in it. And in this sense I concede not only to love the longest most intimidating process I've ever encountered, but I concede that I am growing and learning more than the subject-matter of my research.
To illustrate my stubbornness, here is my dessert list - my list of how much I wish this thing were over...
Dessert List
45. Bake!!!
44. Cook!!!
44. Cook!!!
43. Put up a new basketball hoop.
42. Go on more walks.
41. Go skiing
40. Go camping
39. Consider consolidating my email inboxes so that don't have seven (no joke) seven accounts to check
38. Clean out my email inboxes
37. Organize a Christmas visit to NYC with mom, sis and the cousins
36. Go to Philly once a month to take master classes for the day
35. Institute a routine of bringing artwork to assisted living home
34. Donate
33. Visit my newphew/Godson MUCH more often!
32. Sleep in, maybe?
31. Go to Opera Night at Sotto Sopra
30. Set up dates with my friends from Baltimore that I miss
29. Work longer at work so that I can be my best
28. Institute daily meditation time
27. Join York Road Runners Club
26. Run with Kazi as much as possible.
25. Try cross fit
24. Go to the playground and hang with the girls for as long as they want without having anything in the back of my mind.
23. Watch the movies and shows I have saved on the DVR.
22. Take piano lessons with Mari.
21. Pay attention to what GoodReads actually is because I think I would actually like it.
20. Enjoy Fantasy Football to its fullest extent
19. Learn what Candy Crush Saga is and still refuse to play it
18. Convert porch area into an inside-eating area
17. Organize my books
16. Get Federally-barred
15. Okay - don't think I'm crazy - but write to publish. I had a very good idea for a law article today. This will be one I don't pursue right away but I do think I would like it.
14. Email both Z and Mari at least once every other day with my thoughts on them,
us, life, God.
13. Track all of the funny stories I've posted of Samara on Facebook and either email them to her and/or put them in a book for her. (Note: this doesn't include Z because she doesn't talk yet and I hope I finish my diss. before she starts to talk...)
12. In relation to #11, gather all of my user names and passwords and put them in a list somewhere... figuring out where that place will be should be another to-do list item but we'll save it for later.
11. Figure out whether Instagram is worth my time or just another account with a password.
10. Apply as a USDOE Federal Reviewer (not a full time job, or anything. A side-gig)
9. PINTEREST, Baby! That's right, I've never looked KNOWING it is a time-sucker!
8. Clean out the garage
7. Complete the scrapbooking projects I have for the girls
6. Fix up the area I envision as a mudroom (which will cut down on dirt in the house)
5. GO TO THE GYM as often as I want (without feeling guilty)
4. Read a newspaper with coffee in the morning (without feeling guilty)
3. Write our wills, guardianship documents, etc.
2. Read a novel (without feeling guilty)
1. Learn Spanish with Mari and Z
Monday, September 9, 2013
WARNING: This is hardly a riveting piece of reading.
Reader beware: This blog post, in particular, truly serves its purpose of acting as a journal for me.
If you've ever put my daughter to bed, and likely most children her age, you know there is a routine. There is an order - hugs and kisses to Daddy, hugs and kisses to Mackenzie, grab any blankets and stuffed animals in the family room, head upstairs, Mari flips the stairway light switch, she walks up the stairs backwards, we turn on the bathroom light, potty time, at the sink she fills up two cups of water - one for swishing, one for spitting, she brushes her teeth, I brush her teeth, she swishes, she drinks, she washes her hands, she applies lotion, I turn off bathroom light, we put on her pull-up and put on pajamas, she grabs a book, we read it together, hugs/kisses/tickles, prayers, I turn on night light, I turn off overhead light, I put on her music, I give her an extra kiss, I turn off the stairway light, and we're done.
Enough, right?
Exhausting, right?
And seriously - don't do any of this out of order. She'll know and then, of course, I'll know (by way of a tantrum).
There is so much comfort in order and routine. And while such type of order is exhausting to me, I thrive on it in order (no pun intended) for me to accomplish my goals. Routine. I hate it but need it. And lately, I've had to break it. If not, I'd not be flexible enough to fit in my tasks to get this diss. done. In other words, I can't type up the section analysis while riding in a car. I CAN read and if I have read all the materials for state 2, then why not read materials for state 3? So that's what I've done. I've gone out of order and in doing so I've gotten a little bit (probably a lot a bit) more completed doing it this way.
A while back I read a great book on getting organized (I'm a facebook fan of hers but can't find her name or the book's name easily at the moment, and don't have enough time to keep looking) Anyways, I learned that for many of us we need to chunk out the time slots of our day and fit in what works best. So, if we have only 15 minutes we can't make pot roast for dinner, but we can make a great soup and salad. If we have 15 minutes we can't clean an entire closet, but we can promise to clean one shoe rack. Same thing: if I have only 15 minutes I won't really be able to get into an analysis section, but I can work on formatting a table, or my table of contents, or read an additional article.
This is hard for me because it breaks out of my mold - okay, it REALLY makes it harder for me to put a check on my checklist, if you want to know the truth. While it seems I can't check off finishing an item as quickly if I splice everything into 15-minute tasks I sort of can because I am finishing MORE things by doing it this way. My recent mini-vacation is a good example. I didn't finish one state. Nope, not one. BUT I continued in one state and got started on two others. By the end of this week, I'll have three states completed which is the same timeline as if I'd done them one at a time. Or maybe not - maybe I'd still be struggling with the same first state...
If you've ever put my daughter to bed, and likely most children her age, you know there is a routine. There is an order - hugs and kisses to Daddy, hugs and kisses to Mackenzie, grab any blankets and stuffed animals in the family room, head upstairs, Mari flips the stairway light switch, she walks up the stairs backwards, we turn on the bathroom light, potty time, at the sink she fills up two cups of water - one for swishing, one for spitting, she brushes her teeth, I brush her teeth, she swishes, she drinks, she washes her hands, she applies lotion, I turn off bathroom light, we put on her pull-up and put on pajamas, she grabs a book, we read it together, hugs/kisses/tickles, prayers, I turn on night light, I turn off overhead light, I put on her music, I give her an extra kiss, I turn off the stairway light, and we're done.
Enough, right?
Exhausting, right?
And seriously - don't do any of this out of order. She'll know and then, of course, I'll know (by way of a tantrum).
There is so much comfort in order and routine. And while such type of order is exhausting to me, I thrive on it in order (no pun intended) for me to accomplish my goals. Routine. I hate it but need it. And lately, I've had to break it. If not, I'd not be flexible enough to fit in my tasks to get this diss. done. In other words, I can't type up the section analysis while riding in a car. I CAN read and if I have read all the materials for state 2, then why not read materials for state 3? So that's what I've done. I've gone out of order and in doing so I've gotten a little bit (probably a lot a bit) more completed doing it this way.
A while back I read a great book on getting organized (I'm a facebook fan of hers but can't find her name or the book's name easily at the moment, and don't have enough time to keep looking) Anyways, I learned that for many of us we need to chunk out the time slots of our day and fit in what works best. So, if we have only 15 minutes we can't make pot roast for dinner, but we can make a great soup and salad. If we have 15 minutes we can't clean an entire closet, but we can promise to clean one shoe rack. Same thing: if I have only 15 minutes I won't really be able to get into an analysis section, but I can work on formatting a table, or my table of contents, or read an additional article.
This is hard for me because it breaks out of my mold - okay, it REALLY makes it harder for me to put a check on my checklist, if you want to know the truth. While it seems I can't check off finishing an item as quickly if I splice everything into 15-minute tasks I sort of can because I am finishing MORE things by doing it this way. My recent mini-vacation is a good example. I didn't finish one state. Nope, not one. BUT I continued in one state and got started on two others. By the end of this week, I'll have three states completed which is the same timeline as if I'd done them one at a time. Or maybe not - maybe I'd still be struggling with the same first state...
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