In All Fairness

Today was great for a variety of reasons.  Good office day; good dissertation day: nothing about which to complain.  But it was also a crappy day.  It was my only week night at home with my family - supposed to be good, right?  And maybe I put too much stock in that.  Because the nights when I am home I feel I need to not only see my children and be with them, but also tidy a bit, take over as much as possible for dinner, do the laundry, sort through the mail... you know, everything else.

And maybe it is less about what time I have, but more about how I see the time that others have, and the - yup - jealously - I have...  See my day is this:
5am: Diss.
7am: Get myself and girls ready and off to school.
8am-5pm (or later): Work.
5pm, if schedule allows: Get girls and go home.
5:30pm: come home, tidy up from the other days/nights I've not been around, try to change out of work clothes quickly, make sure I'm reading everything from the pre-school so I don't miss a beat, read mail, pay bills, do laundry, etc.
6pm: Dinner.
6:30pm: Dishes.
7pm: Read a draft of something while I watch Sesame Street with girls.
8pm: bed time with girls
8:30pm: diss or work-work until 11pm.
Then bed.

So let's break this down a bit - just a bit.  What do you think is the most valuable part of my day? 7-8am and 5-8pm - the time with my family (four hours).  But do you see what I have to do during those times?  I am rushing the girls in the morning and in the evening I'm herding them here and there to tidy and put things away and try and read them books out loud while rushing around to read mail, pay bills, do laundry... yadda yadda yadda.

I'm not a single mother; I'm not in an unfulfilling marriage.  I'm blessed with a husband who is an amazing father.  I'm a happy career woman and I manage my time well.  But today I come home and - again my ONLY night home - I do all the things that ease my guilt about being gone many nights... and I completely missed time with my girls.

Whether this is a gender thing... I do not know, but I pose this question: For fathers who work late/often, when they are home do they do housework or do they spend time with their children?  Is it my own complex of what causes guilt that is getting in my way and causing me to clean away the time I should spend with my children?  And none of that can matter because any night home is my night to give Tim a break from the large responsibility he has every other night (where, by the way, clutter piles up).

It is likely that this post is my own type of therapy, to explain why the girls hardly paid any attention to me tonight but instead clung to my husband; why when it was time for bed one chose my husband over me, and why the other child is acting out all over the place.

I'm not going to make much more of this but I wanted to write it all out.  This is temporary - at least to this extent.  I know my girls, love them, they love me, etc.  I'm not worried.  But the nights that don't work out in my favor are nights I'd rather not experience.

Lesson?  I should just stop cleaning  :-)

FROM FAT (Tuesday) to FOCUS to FORWARD to FINISHED

So truth is, I'm just writing this post because it's been a while and I should let you know I'm still "here."  It's FAT Tuesday today.  I'm psyched more than normal because this means today I might really go a little crazy with the calories.  Tomorrow, Lent begins and I'm going to put my best foot forward to make this a Lent that counts.

If, as I have for the past nine months or so, I treat this dissertation as part of God's plan for me, than to really devote myself to the life I have - which is a life where I have a family I cherish and a job that really matters to me - I must FOCUS.  I must hunker down and get through this.  It means I must also continue to spend as much, and a little bit more, time at work maintaining that part of my life too.  And you do the math: a lot of time on dissertation + more time at work = REAL attention to my family as to how I can make the time I DO have with them, count the most.

And still I'm going to try, with absolutely no promises, to workout a little bit.  Lord knows I want to, I know what to do, what classes to take, when and where they take place, etc. but I've put dissertation and work first - because I have to.  I've been spending 2 to 6 hours outside of the typical work day on this dissertation and/or work projects - more on Saturdays and Sunday.  But still, I am going to try a one-mile challenge for all of Lent.  While I've maintained my weight, I do have some weight to lose and I've gone no where in the past month in that regard.  And while this is a time for me to focus on my job and my dissertation, I think 15 minutes per day to get ready, run and cool down really is a length of time I can sacrifice.  Best part is, I'll feel good; I'll feel HUMAN again.  My six flight-climb and descent every day isn't quite cutting it; and no matter how far away I park I just end up late and flustered :-)

In the past I've picked deadlines, counted down to the end of this dissertation endeavor, and then made up excuses as to why the deadline wasn't met at that particular time.  A huge reason for this is that I've made those projections without the input of my Chair.  And see, he is where my metaphorical (and I suppose actual, if you count tuition) "buck stops."  If he don't like it, don't no one like it.  And actually, that is a good thing - he will not let me step into that defense room until he HE is willing to defend my dissertation.  While I do have a date in mind, for now, I'll get through Lent putting my best foot forward to FOCUS.  I have 40 days and 40 nights.  Hint: That is JUST under half of the number of days I envision until I submit my draft to my committee.  If I can make this 40 days count, maybe I'll be on the better side of this (as in FINISHED) come the second half of 2014...