Blind-Sighted

As any parent trying to get to school / work or to an appointment or ANYwhere on time can attest – getting out of the house in one piece – never mind on time and with all necessities – is a circus act.  And it’s no exception in my house, trying to get my five-month and almost-3-year old out of the door.  Making sure I’ve got all the show and tell items, extra diapers or wipes, my own food and bag, closing doors, locking locks… and then I have to turn off all of the lights.

With arm hooked under car seat handle, I run through the house doing a lock check and turning off the lights.  Mari, with banana in hand, could be in any one of the rooms – singing, counting, hanging out… telling me what to do…  And then the last, final light expires and she is frantic.  “I’m coming Samara… Don’t worry, I’ll be right there.”  I even open the front door to shed the streetlamp light into the house.  This makes it easier – I can direct her to “go toward the light” as if in some cult, but still, she doesn’t like it and is never entirely at ease until she is holding my hand.

Again, this makes me wonder whether God feels this same way about us – all of His children.  When situations change, if things flip upside down, if we reverse course or even if the lights go out, He knows exactly where we are going.  So while we’re in the dark, He is guiding us.  He is our sight when we are blind.  Like Samara, once we realize we are still, somehow, living in His word, and doing His will, we ease our anxieties and move on.

I suppose this is what I am going through.  As I chip ever so slowly away at this 200-page project, with hardly a word actually written and a goal to finish in 6 months, each time the printer drum breaks, or the data is lost, or the baby is up during my writing time, or, or, or – any one of the million possibilities – every time I feel like I’m swirling out of control.  I say I want to give up, but luckily He talks some sense into me and I know, deep down inside, that I am going to keep on keeping on.  I don’t know whether I will finish, I don’t know what the purpose of this “exercise” is.  But I rest assured knowing that with Him, I am blind-sighted and will end up where He wants me to be.

Ducks in a Row

My daughter, Lord love her, has her own obsessions.  Watching her chunky little two-year old hands line up her red Crocs next to each other, at 6:45am, while she insists "It has to be perfect!" and I consider whether I'll make it to work on time, is so frustrating to me (although I don't let her know this).  I watch her line up the shoes, balance delicately on one leg, and gently tap the alignment out of place, and stand - unshoed and unnerved - back onto two feet.  She tries this many times and finally says to me, "I can't, Mommy!!"  "Sweetie, you know I don't like those words."  "Okay, Mommy, I need help please."  And I hold her hand, so she can slide one foot in, and then the other, resulting in a perfectly-postured position.

I imagine this is how God feels watching me.  I try to line up everything - family, academics, spirituality and health (FASH as I think of it) and the minute one thing is out of place, I cry, "I can't!"  Can't continue on, continue forward, continue.  And while I might ask God for help, I don't really know what that help from Him looks like or...is.  I am so determined that things are wrong, that I don't consider that they are on the way to right.

And so, I've gone through ups and downs.  I have very productive weeks and end up parched in the desert the next.  Small incidents are exponentially magnified.  And somehow, somewhere, I am still so damned determined to move on...  I don't think many people realize the internal struggle I go through, but it's there - the struggle of wanting to do it all.   I know.  Not a grandiose struggle, right?  I mean, I have a roof over my head, but 10,000 times more blessings than that, and a roof is much more than many people in our world have.

But it isn't about comparing my life with others'.  It is about figuring out what in God's name (quite literally) I am supposed to be doing here on earth.  These past 10 days, I have not spent as much time studying scripture as I wanted.  I haven't blogged as frequently as I'd planned.  And normally, the fact that I'd failed at first would cause me to "fail to the end" - just give up.  But I've spent so much time listening, waiting, sort of... being guided.  I think of the things that have gotten in my way this month... let's take my 5-month old.  Sick as the Dickens this month.  Bronchiolitis; double ear infection.  We've been up night after night after night.  Sticking binky back in mouth, rocking to sleep, soothing cries...And what happens to the parents?  As my mother says, "...they wilt on the vine."

But I haven't felt so wilted - even without the caffeine.  I am amazed that I still get up around 5am and continue on my day, chugging water, and nothing else, yet alert and unfazed by it all.  I guess my point, if I have one because I frequently lose it, is that the help I seek from God right now comes in the form of a gentle comfort.  Knowing that no matter what it is I'm doing at any moment, I'm somehow doing what I am supposed to be doing.  That my version of my life isn't God's so if he turns me around, I might as well start walking in that direction.

My daughter and I saw a flock of geese the other day. She had never seen one so I explained what it was and where the birds were going.  I told her it made the letter "V" which techincally it did, but I couldn't help notice that the birds weren't symmetrical (dammit, Leigh, they are FLYING - and you expect them to be "perfect?").  A few out of place here, some over there...  But in the end, I'm sure they make it the warmer place they seek, and that is what I know God is telling me.

What I've Learned in 3 days of ONE-THREE

While the point of a fast is to - obviously - fast, i.e. withhold from various foods and beverages, in the Daniel Fast I am also working on other habits.  For instance, I'm withholding from Facebook and from my games on my phone, such as Words With Friends.  And it isn't some crazy idea I've had in my head, but instead, it is an attempt to understand how I spend my time.  So by taking that activity away I can assess what I will do with this time come February 2013 when I am done with the fast and ready to move forward.

Another point of the fast is to - in a sense - be so hungry and tempted that we rely on God to get us through rather than given into the temptation.  It is an opportunity for me to take the time that I would spend maybe on Facebook or playing my phone games, to focus on God and my relationship with Him.

So what has it been like?  Well, the food fast hardly phases me.  I mean, I LOVE to eat - cheese, especially.  I LOVE myself a drink - beer, wine, you name it.  But on the other hand, I can very simply ignore hunger pains.  And that was pretty much working well until today when I had BANGING (literally) headache all day.  But I persisted.  This teaches me that I have a very strong will power. 

WHEN.I.WANT.TO.

I have also learned that I CAN take the time out to cook and I CAN cook pretty well.  I have pushed myself beyond my cooking boundaries (up to now, rather non-existent when your husband prefers to cook). I have made fried tofu and I even made my own 16 baked bean recipe.  More importantly than the substance, is that I've experienced success in the process.  Tim and I might have to pass Mackenzie back and forth, and we might have to trade off who is reading a book or playing Old MacDonald with Samara, but in the end, we get dinner on the table together, even though we have different meals.  I can cook. 

WHEN.I.WANT.TO.

So this brings me to the larger purpose I have for this fast - what do I do with my time?  And more importantly, why can't / haven't I used the time I have to finish this dissertation?  Well, there have been a few tasks for me to tackle on my list of "when I' not working on my dissertation."  But in the past few days, I've not even had the energy to finish those tasks...  So when I wake up and my to-do list from the day before is not tackled, I'm tempted to say, I just don't have the time.  At this point, maybe what I'm learning is that, I have the time. 

WHEN.I.WANT.TO.