Resonance

The context in which the events that occurred this past Saturday are indeed ironic, and of course, tragic.  First, it was September 11 - a day where senseless killing is felt throughout America.  Second, it was the day after World Suicide Prevention Day. Third, while the events occurred, I was at a fundraiser for the York County Suicide Prevention Coalition.  And so, as an adult and close friend of the couple thought to be victims of a murder-suicide, I am finding it hard to cope.

Yet the significance of this event, and the trouble I find in "making it through," resonates deeper.  I have worked with children who live in challenging environments for eight years (I HATE the phrases "inner-city" or "at-risk" but feel free to insert said phrases if it helps in understanding).  And as I work with these children, race, teacher-quality, resource-availability, infrastructure, politics, and power are the hot topics that emerge as the reasons for why our public schools do not deliver an equitable education throughout our nation.

Do me a favor: sit down and ASK a child where "the system" (any system, because there are many) failed them. A majority of children will identify a traumatic circumstance in their life as the point where they went off-track.  Certainly children from all socio-economic circumstances experience trauma.  And it isn't necessarily the trauma itself that is the problem, but the follow-through.  Most children I talk with (and these are youth who are truant or have dropped out) identify the loss of a friend or relative to violence as the time where they lost interest in and control of their lives.  But without counseling and consideration of these children's circumstances, youth learn to cope in their own ways.  So while some children work through their loss in therapy, many of our youth continue to attend school with nary a mention of their loss.  In fact, when their anger and confusion finally breaks through and they act out, they are labelled as "failing," "at-risk," "troubled," "challenging," "a danger," "a problem child," "different," "a bad influence," [INSERT HERE]; they are placed in an alternative education setting, and learn to believe these labels.  Why not do as your told?

And my point is this: for any of these children who have experienced a loss due to violence I simply cannot imagine what life is like.  Period.  Going through this, as I mentioned, as an adult and as a friend who has pretty well-tuned coping skills, is one thing.  But to be the relative of a murder/suicide victim is absolutely incomprehensible to me.  The whys of the murder, the whys of the suicide, they whys of life could - in all honesty - easily put me on a path to self-destruction.  So what was once a black-and-white text book concept, will resonate blood-red with me for a lifetime.

Thank You

It is very important to me, Clare, to thank you for everything that you did.  As I write this, I am still getting used to the fact that I will never hear your sweet voice - or better yet, your lovely laugh - in my ear, ever again.  But I write this post as if you could hear me.  You, sweet Clare, gave me so much inspiration to even BE a mother.   While I knew you, Tim and I were not parents.  I met, and took care of, your sweet Rayleigh and Ramsey.  You were a mom who endured law school and law firm interivews, and it seems, you were a mom who endured much more than I ever knew.  But all I know is that you were a woman who took your motherhood with such grace and love.  Aside from my own mother, you have been the most inspiring mother to me.  Your patience and love and humor with your children did not go unnoticed.  I cannot believe that I have lost you.  I cannot believe I will never see you or hear your voice again.  I am so saddened and disheartened.  I am so confused.  Sweet Erin, Kathryn, Rayleigh, Ramsey, and Ryan - I am so very sorry.  Your mother and her patience, I feel, gave Samara a much better mother.  You had a diamond in the rough.  Your mother is SO missed and SO loved.  Thank you, Clare.  God, I know you have a purpose.

The One Thing

Service is the rent we pay for being. It is the very purpose of life, and not something you do in your spare time. 
- Marian Wright Edelman


It's been a long while since I've written.  It isn't that I haven't had anything about which to write, necessairly, but I felt that I'd either already written about it or somebody else had.


In 11 days I am hosting a coutywide effort focusing on truancy that expects an attendance of 500 people.  Though I am receiving an abundance of help, I am the "mastermind" responsible for it all.  In other words, if something goes wrong, it is my fault.  Yet, even with that pressure - to the point where I wake up at 2:30am thinking about something I should do to make it better - I dedicated a completely free schedule to a Day of Action with United Way of York.  First, United Way of York is helping to fund said-Summit so I feel that I should give back, but I believe, in every fiber of my being, in the quote that begins this blog.  


So I sacrified a potential nine-hours of planning during which I could have caught up and would not be so far behind in my work, to push a lovely 91-year-old woman around the York Fair and to organize books for the York County Literacy Council book fair.


While I was organizing these books I asked a woman with whom I was volunteering whether she often volunteered with the York County Literacy Council.  She seemed amazed at my question and answered that she had a son who was a senior and a son who was a 7th grader.  She did not have time, she said.  Their sports schedules were so time-consuming there was hardly time for anything else.  Another volunteer heard this and chimed in that she remembered when her boys were young - all the games and the practices and the time dedicated to driving and watching said games, etc.


As I continued to listen I decided that I would never let Samara's activities - or mine or Tim's for that matter - stop me from giving back to my community.  Thinking back, I know I danced  A LOT when I was young, but I do not think I let it stop me from giving back (Mom, correct me if I'm wrong.)  If anything, it would be great family times.  And this revelation has answered a question I've been asking myself for many weeks.  My daughter - like all children her age - is a sponge.  So everyday I ask myself, what is the one thing I would want to teach this "sponge" and how do I do it?  How do you teach the mindset that if you have a dollar and you're not really that thirsty, buying lemonade for a person who hasn't had a drink since the day before is a better investment?  Better yet, teach her to invest in an organization that teaches people how to MAKE lemonade.  And as many wise folk will tell you, lead by example - that is the best way to teach.  


So I will take Samara to my weekend fundraisers - like the fundraisers we have scheduled to attend tomorrow.  We will volunteer as tutors and painters and helpers and whatevers at the agencies who serve the folks who need us.  I will teach her that because I invest time and money into her interests (whatever they may be) I ask that she give back to the community that I know needs our help and attention.  We will because that is what life is about.  So I won't wait for spare time to knock on my door because it won't.  Other to-do items will always exist.  It is the making of the time because- AGAIN - that is what life is about.  That is the legacy I hope to leave.