"Wallowing" is Such Sweet Sorrow

Wallowing in sorrow is not productive. I rarely allow myself to do it because it can suck the energy right out of me.  These days, that energy is very valuable.  I write tonight, however, to wallow.  Quite frankly, I’m sick of it all.  I love my family and I love my job.  I wish my life was just my family and my job.  With a dissertation hanging over my head, I do not often feel justified in the ways in which I spend my time when it isn’t writing the darned thing.  I miss reading a book for pleasure.  I do not remember the last book I read – this is very sad to me.  I miss waking up on a Saturday morning and having nothing on my agenda.  These days even if I do take a day off to actually spend with my family, I feel guilty the entire time.  I miss feeling good and satisfied about the decisions I make. 

On the other hand, the last time I was not in school was in the summer of 2004 – six years ago.  I guess I don’t even know the things I miss.  I don’t really remember what it is like to have hobbies in which you can invest time.  I couldn’t tell you the last time I went bowling or to the movies.  Well, actually, the last movie I went to in the theatre was in 2005…  I think overall, I wish I would actually have the time and energy to follow through with the things that are important to me. 

I am paying a lot for this dissertation of mine.  I can’t tell you much of what I’m learning, although arguably a dissertation is not an educational experience as much as it is a test of what has already been learned.  But today I can tell you what it costs me – full satisfaction; time to spend with my family; my own growth in spiritual and recreational matters; the ability to more adequately give back to my community.  I am often commended for this journey, but right now I hate it.  And like fizz that has been contained in a seltzer bottle for months if not years, I am releasing this negativity. 

I do hope to finish what I started.  I think that people would say it is good for Samara to have an example of a strong, dedicated mother who sticks to her commitments and doesn’t quit.  Yet I find myself asking whether it is wise to advocate to your child the act of sticking to something that isn’t satisfying – sounds more like idiotic stubbornness to me.