"Wallowing" is Such Sweet Sorrow

Wallowing in sorrow is not productive. I rarely allow myself to do it because it can suck the energy right out of me.  These days, that energy is very valuable.  I write tonight, however, to wallow.  Quite frankly, I’m sick of it all.  I love my family and I love my job.  I wish my life was just my family and my job.  With a dissertation hanging over my head, I do not often feel justified in the ways in which I spend my time when it isn’t writing the darned thing.  I miss reading a book for pleasure.  I do not remember the last book I read – this is very sad to me.  I miss waking up on a Saturday morning and having nothing on my agenda.  These days even if I do take a day off to actually spend with my family, I feel guilty the entire time.  I miss feeling good and satisfied about the decisions I make. 

On the other hand, the last time I was not in school was in the summer of 2004 – six years ago.  I guess I don’t even know the things I miss.  I don’t really remember what it is like to have hobbies in which you can invest time.  I couldn’t tell you the last time I went bowling or to the movies.  Well, actually, the last movie I went to in the theatre was in 2005…  I think overall, I wish I would actually have the time and energy to follow through with the things that are important to me. 

I am paying a lot for this dissertation of mine.  I can’t tell you much of what I’m learning, although arguably a dissertation is not an educational experience as much as it is a test of what has already been learned.  But today I can tell you what it costs me – full satisfaction; time to spend with my family; my own growth in spiritual and recreational matters; the ability to more adequately give back to my community.  I am often commended for this journey, but right now I hate it.  And like fizz that has been contained in a seltzer bottle for months if not years, I am releasing this negativity. 

I do hope to finish what I started.  I think that people would say it is good for Samara to have an example of a strong, dedicated mother who sticks to her commitments and doesn’t quit.  Yet I find myself asking whether it is wise to advocate to your child the act of sticking to something that isn’t satisfying – sounds more like idiotic stubbornness to me.

FYI

It may be a while before I post again - a week or so.  Unless, of course, the stress and excitement (because I love what I'm doing) of the next few weeks wakes me up in the wee hours of the night and I can't sleep. 

But for now,
I am signing off from my blog to return at a later date,
with hopes of a slightly lighter load on my plate! :-)

Our Daily Bread

As a lifelong member of the Episcopal Church, it is easy to let the "antiquated language" of the century's old prayers wash over me, without ever considering their meaning.  But if you sit down and consider the meaning of many of these prayers, you need not ever shop in the self-help isle at Borders or Barnes and Noble.  I remember the epiphany I had when I learned, line by line, the meaning of the Lord's Prayer ("Our Father, Who Art in Heaven...") in Sunday School.  And the particular line, "Give us this Day, Our Daily Bread" struck me then and has stuck with me since.  We are not asking for bread, obviously, but for just enough of what we need - the essentials - to get through each day.

So though I firmly believe in this, and find it to be great comfort when I pray this line, I would have to admit that I don't live it.  It is very hard to change behaviors - we all know that.  I have spent most of my life with ideals, but rarely ever living up to one tenth of what they ask of me.  Mind you, I have a four-month-old baby.  We GROW things these days...diapers, wipes, bottles, baby food, toys, books, clothes, washcloths...  Not to mention the mini-version of this list, as found in the diaper bag.  My mother and sister bought me an amazing diaper bag - a trendy, purse-type.  I love it, but find it hard to minimize what I "need" into this bag, although I feel the parameters of "need" can be expanded when one attempts to bring a baby into society - resolving issues and preventing cries is of utmost importance - so anything that can help in this effort is "needed."

On the other hand, I spend so much more time considering Samara's needs (which arguably I think anything done for Samara is a "need" - physical, mental, emotional and social growth being considered.) that I do put myself second and I am rather happy to do so.  No, I am not going to be on a TV show in ten years looking worse for the wear because I invest all of my energy in Samara and none in myself.  But it is helping me let go of "things."  Rather than carry a baglady purse, where the joke is that you need a purse within a purse in order to find what you need, I now have four items I take with me - keys in hand, sunglasses on head, and phone and wallet in diaper bag or briefcase.  In my wallet I squeeze in a pen and lip gloss.  Better yet, I recently got a smartphone.  I was anti-smartphone for a long, long time.  I did not NEED one and judged that many other people did not need one either.  I saw it as an electronic leash to work and to email.  Instead I cherished computer time while AT the computer, family time while WITH the family, etc.  There was no need to be surfing the internet while waiting for my food to arrive at the restaurant.  But with this gadget I have minimized many other "needs."  I have weaned myself off of my planner.  I track exercise, diet and weight negating my need for my journal.  And as the commercials will show, I could potentially do many other things with all these apps, I just have yet to explore them.

My point to this entire post has barely emerged.  I read another friend's blog the other day - a blog about the things that she missed while her husband serves our country abroad in the Army.  She misses holding hands, co-parenting, SHARING a bed, discussing her day at work, etc.  And those are the things that ARE my Daily Bread.  This blog is about a Portioned Plate with a lot going on.  And with so much going on, "things" easily get in the way yet rarely make life easier.  Less is more.  This is a new focus for me - I am not going to sell my possessions and I continue to recycle all that I do own.  But I will reconsider purchases and instead invest time in my family.  In last week's sermon, my pastor read Mahatma Ghandi's Seven Social Sins, and by listing them, I will close this post.  I mention them because they are a check for us to consider the WHY of what we do.  That is how I will apply my prayer for "Daily Bread."  How would I use this item?  What is the value to me as a person?

Politics without principles
Wealth without work
Pleasure without conscience
Knowledge without character
Commerce without morality
Science without humanity
Worship without sacrifice