I have not forgotten about this writing platform. It crosses my mind but most often I think, "I have so little time and so many other things about which to write, let's put that on hold." And then, something irksome just hits me, sticks with me, and won't let me go. So I write.
For eleven months I have put most of my life aside so I can get out of the way something I wish I had never let it - that is no secret. My jealous mistress - the diss. - waits in the wings, breathes down my neck, and reminds me incessantly that "she" is my priority. And she has to be - or else I don't think I could handle what is required of me to actually complete this ginormous undertaking. So while I have a huge desire to support my marriage, raise my children, further my career, visit my family and contribute my time and talents to my community, I am locked into an academic vortex. Tunnel vision.
Another part of this lifestyle is acting completely apathetic to the cares and concerns around me. It is not intentional but I cannot attend every birthday party, every jewelry party, every gym class or every fundraiser. THIS part of the equation is not new to me - I have been in graduate school for ten years (law school) and have gotten well-versed in this exchange.
In order to keep this tunnel vision I am blessed: I live so far away from a huge portion of my family that I can, quite literally, avoid all family stressors. But then again, I am cursed: I live so far away from a huge portion of my family that I cannot, quite literally, be involved.
I don't know what is hardest to learn: my grandmother is confused about a huge life change over which she has no control; or my mother is distraught over a huge life change over which she has control but knows what's best. I don't know what is hardest to accept: I cannot drive over to my grandmother and play cards with her and give her a hug; or I can't have coffee with my mother to let her talk out her frustrations and give her a hug. I don't know what is hardest to realize: I can't offer any help to any single one of my family members. at. all; or that I must continue to focus solely on myself in order to get myself out of this mess and move on with my life.
My mother has always been my rock. She is my rock because she is strong, solid, smart and spiritual. I have no delusions of her weaknesses - I can't say I know them all but I know they are there. What I wish is that I didn't have to have tunnel vision. What I wish is that I could be someone on which she could rely. What I wish is that her sentiments weren't so on point. (http://lampandlighthouse.blogspot.com/2014/04/an-issue-of-heart.html?spref=fb) What I wish is that life weren't so messy. I wish for her what I wish for my children - that I can get out of this and give 100% more to everyone.
