Relative Fun

I’m here and it’s time to hold true to my promise.  And as anyone who’s been “following” my experience can attest, holding true to my promise has been difficult. I’ve not done it.   I started counting down 100 days so that I’d be done with my diss. sometime in December 2013.  Then it was sometime in April 2014.  I’ve been having trouble truly gauging the time it takes for me to finish tasks.  The truth is that it was and will be neither.   I have an idea of when but I’m no longer going to publish it until I get a better sense of how I spend my time.  I realize that for most people this has become similar to the boy crying wolf… no one really considers what I promise because I’ve yet to deliver.

And so now I’m here and it’s time to hold true to my promise.  Where am I?  Aruba.  What promise?  To continue to work on my dissertation every day while I’m here. “Give yourself a break.”  “Take time off.”  “Get some rest.”  “Enjoy time with your family.”  I’ve heard it all for almost ten years (I started law school in the fall of 2004 and haven’t been out of graduate school since).  But I listen to none of it.  In fact, those statements got me into this mess.  There is always something in which I could participate that “means something.”  Every single day I make the trade off.  And so what?  I’m here in a tropical place typing on a computer.  I’m working.  Yup, I am.

I’m here with relatives and it’s fun, so yes, “Relative Fun.”  But I’m here having fun while working, so arguably fun is relative because I AM working.  And it is what I’m going to do until I’m done with this dissertation.  I’m making progress though. I look back and think about all of my bad habits, my well-intentioned “breaks,” the vacations, the family-time:  I see how I got in this situation.

I’ve done 2 hours of work today, already, and this is only my first full day here.  That is more than I sometimes get in a day at home if I work late at my job.  I don’t want to break these habits.  This is about being done.  This is about investing time.  This IS about having fun with my family some day, some time, uninhibited, guiltless…but not now.  My girls understand and frankly they’ve never known differently.  This is my relative fun and it’s what I’ve got and what I’ve known for almost ten years. 

Don’t worry though – this is my first full football game I’ve seen this entire year – GO PATS!

Repent

I just got to work but I'm going to take about ten minutes to get these thoughts out.  While this blog has recently been dedicated to the trials and tribulations of my dissertation writing, I am going to "get religious on you."

I'm currently fasting.  While it is a very difficult type of fast (no meat, dairy, sugar, alcohol, caffeine, or processed foods - try cooking for your family when you can even lick your fingers ONCE!) I actually really enjoy it and look forward to it.  I'm on day 6 which means I've gotten over the blood-sugar low of days 2 & 3.

But while I am fasting my belly, so to speak, the point is really to find a focus for prayer with God.  And anyone who has read this blog or talked to me about what I do in my free time would know what my focus is: my dissertation, duh.  And specifically, my focus for worship with God, for this year's fast, is how I stay motivated.  Anyone who has read my posts on this blog or on FB would know that I am a manic graduate student - up and down; it'll get done, it'll never get done.

Meanwhile, I've been gaining weight.  What does this have to do with anything?  Well, I wish "nothing" but the problem is "everything."  I am such a balanced character, and maybe it is because I grew up learning my academic and studying skills while dancing 15 hours a week, that I cannot find the time to write if I don't balance it with exercise.  I cannot separate the brain function of thinking and brainstorming with the necessity of adrenaline from a good workout.  Otherwise, I find myself square in front of the television mentally harping on who I am, what I am doing, my waste of time, episode after episode.

So today I read my daily devotion for the Daniel Fast and it was about the word "repent."  While it is usually used to "be sorry" it can also mean "to reconsider or think differently."  Another blog I read about dissertation-writing is entitled, "Old ideas and new perspectives."  Add that to the fact that I have somehow found a way to exercise and write (and raise my family and work my job) and I would say that God is helping me to repent; the fast is helping me to take my old ideas and apply new perspectives. 

It's Day 4. Here's to hoping (I say that a lot, I know) I can keep this up and that this blog is not just another "high" in my manic graduate student career.

#thedanielfast #lelizlaw