Great Expectations

An eager young woman married an amazing young man and expected life to go on.

She expected to start a family
She expected to have a baby
She did not expect that her family would not right away begin.
She did not expect that the day before Western medicine would attempt to assist her, she would learn that she already had a little baby growing inside her.

She expected pregnancy would be fun, and it was...
She did not expect that pregnancy would be scary, and it was...
She did not expect the vulnerability a woman experiences when pregnant,
She did not expect the strength a woman experiences when pregnant.

She did not expect labor to be... so laborious
She did not expect labor to be... so...what it was.
She expected to see her baby and love tremendously
She expected to see her baby and recognize immediately

She did not expect her baby to have so much HAIR :-)

She expected the nights to be hard
She did not expect the days to be so hard as well
She expected to grow deeper in love with the baby every day

She expected that she and her baby would love each other
She did not expect the love to grow so exponentially with each smile exchanged
She did not expect the love to change to produce such fear when things got overwhelming
She did not expect that she would change so much because of the love

She expected there to be anger and frustrations and fights
She did not expect the confusion of differing perspectives
She did not expect the desire to demand sensibility
She did not expect to be the source of the anger and frustration

She expected that she would teach her daughter lessons

She did not expect her daughter to teach her lessons

She expected life to teach her daughter lessons

She did not expect life to change so drastically each day

She expected her baby would always come back to her

She did not expect to develop such a deep friendship

She did not expect to be vulnerable to her daughter's expectations of her

She simply did not expect

She did not expect to need her baby so much
She did not expect the excitement of driving home to see her baby
She did not expect the disappointment of missing seeing her baby
She did not expect the need for her baby to need her.

She did not expect to rely on her baby
She did not expect that her life would start and end with her baby
She did not expect how much it would hurt her when her baby was in pain
She did not expect to be so happy herself when her baby was happy

She did not expect to expect so much.

She expected love, but not this deep
She expected connection, but not this strong
She expected laughter, but not so loud
She expected fulfillment, but not so full

She would like to wish her sweet, beautiful daughter a wonderful, happy seventh birthday.

To my Daughters, Niece, Nephew, and Global Friends

Hi.

Let's start there. "Hi."  Let's start with the fact that for today, for now, nothing will change for better or for worse.

So, friends: many angry, scared people voted for someone who seems, himself, to be angry and probably some would say scared too... And their votes outnumbered those who voted for a lady who believed in equality, justice, fairness, and choice.

It's a hard pill to swallow.  I remember when I studied abroad in South Africa sixteen years ago and many people I encountered asked me, "Why did you bomb Afghanistan?"  My answer each time was that "I, personally, did not bomb Afghanistan; I did not vote for the person who made the decision to bomb Afghanistan; and I did not support the fact that our government moved forward in that action."  But the absolute beauty of the American government is that I was allowed to say that.

I have a feeling I'll be saying a similar shpiel for the next four years, to those I know in other countries who will ask, "Why did America vote for Donald Trump?"  Please know that my response is, "I did not vote for Donald Trump and many people did not vote for Donald Trump and America has this complicated electoral college voting system..."

Now: to the specifics, and particularly to my dear Samara, it's time to apologize: I'm so very sorry.  I haven't told you yet about the outcome of this very divisive election within our country.  You lie sleeping in your bed for now.  I am worried.  I am concerned.  For when I tell you, I fear you will do as you always do when President-Elect Trump's name is mentioned: you ask about "The Wall" and your friends and who will be allowed to stay in this country and who will have to leave and whether your family is safe..." and on and on and on.  And because I tell you as much of the truth as I think that you can handle, I will have to say, "I am sorry that I do not have those answers and I do not know."

In fact, Daughters, Niece, Nephew and Global Friends, the truth is who knows what will happen now? So many people voted for Trump so as to avoid a liberal choice for Supreme Court Justice.  President-Elect Trump says he has a list of twenty.  Who will he recommend and will the Senate agree?  So many people voted for Trump because he promised a specific amount in tax returns. This will take more than his doing and will Congress allow it?  Remains to be seen.  So many people voted for him because he promised to do away with Obamacare.  With a Republican-led Senate, I think that is likely to happen.  For this, I grieve, although I know many business-owners will welcome the lifted burden.

What I do know is what I can do.  I can pray each day for our law makers and our Nation's new executive officer, President-Elect Trump. I can continue to give back to my community, of my time and with my pocket. I can respectfully exercise my right to disagree, and seek solace in supporting any American values that remain in our country.

Daughters, Niece, Nephew and Global Friends: keep the faith. I'm not saying that in the next four years various rights and privileges for which people have worked and fought very hard won't disappear.  But with little else to do: let's keep the faith; let's pray; and let's see what President-Elect Donald Trump is really made of.

On Aging

I turned 36 yesterday.  In past years,  people would ask, "How does it feel to be a year older?"  I'd always say, "No different.  Age is just a number."

I'd be lying if I said that this year.  I feel so very different from past years - emotionally and physically.

Three physical changes come to mind: 1. My joints ache very badly, I'm developing bunions, and I found my first strand of white hair.  But in the end, I can take these physical ailments because I really am enjoying growing, which requires the passage of time, and therefore aging.

And this year has been extraordinarily emotional: I finished my second graduate degree, my husband sat for his national board certification examination (completing his certification coursework) and my daughter embarked on her education journey (although as we know, kids start learning from the minute they are born).  At 36 I'm opening up a new chapter of a book unwritten and am completely excited!!

But most striking in my mind, each and every single day, is the constant question of what the hell is happening in this world.  I've observed that most people I know become bolder in their opinions as they get older.  My Memere, bless her heart, is a great example of one who wears her opinions on her sleeve and will exclaim such at any moment, to my horror, as the subject of said comment is often within earshot.  My mother, also bless her heart, has always warned me to stop her from doing that... although the one or two times she's said something shocking, and I've exclaimed such shock, she's waved it away... much like her mother.  (Sorry mom!!)    But in the end, I prefer direct, honest interactions, rather than passive aggressive games and lies.  I think that is why I love talking with people who have age on their side - those in their 70s, 80s and 90s are some of the people I love talking with most and who teach me so much.  (A huge thank you to my mother: as an administrator of a nursing home, she would bring me to work - a true appreciation of older generations was borne there).

Such boldness, however, is very different from the complete candor I observe in politics.  And I don't quite know what to do with it all.  The new "wave" of politics is honesty, right?  "Saying it like it is."  And so, I don't have a problem with that.  What truly baffles me, and what really breaks my heart, is that "like it is" is so mean-spirited.  The "honest politics" of today portray very selfish messages.  "Mine" "Not in My Backyard" "Distrust" "Fear."

My Uncle Guy's recent FB post explains my opinion perfectly,

"I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality... I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I will "sit at the table with my enemies," "turn the other cheek" "treat those as I would like to be treated" and "love others unconditionally."  That is an outlook for ALL humans, regardless of national boundary.  God made the world, God did not just make America.  I am painstakingly aware of (and forever grateful for those who have died for) the freedoms, rights and privileges granted to me by virtue of the fact that I was born in this country, as a white female born into a suburban middle class.  I am also painstakingly aware that millions of other less-fortunate people in this world could have been born into my place in life but were not - they live bound by the laws and rules of other countries, and/or are oppressed by the unequal treatment of those with mental, physical, racial, religious difference not "acceptable" by so many people of the world.

On aging. On perspective.  On life. I will continue to hope for more because I know that there is so much about the world that is wonderful.  If we broaden our perspective beyond the protection of our purse-strings and investments and benefits we might learn that the true gem in life is acceptance.

Student Debt

It
Is
Over...

Finally.

I finished my degree.  Exactly four months ago from today I defended my dissertation successfully.

Before I commence blabbing about insights on this accomplishment, I need to renew my thanks to EVERYONE who supported me over the past nine years as I trudged through the process of getting my doctorate.

So: to blabbing:

I have so much more time now, right?

No.

I'm in debt.  Not just student financial debt, but the type of student "social" debt that accumulates when you forego one family / social event after another in order to research, draft, edit and revise 400 plus pages of data - over and over again for years.

Remember my post (probably a year ago from now, if not longer) when I attempted to write down one activity I wanted to accomplish, When My Dissertation's Done (WMDD) for each additional day I worked on my dissertation?  Well, it's come due... but the truth is I have not even looked at it because I'm still "righting my ship."

Aside from the Saturdays and Sundays I spent on the dissertation (now completely claimed by my children, sorry) I only had "free time" from 9pm to 12am... and that is taken up with exercise or sleep.

I am not teaching tap classes, or choreographing plays, or joining another Board of Directors.  I am simply finding those people that I've left behind and making sense of our relationships again.

I live oh so in the moment with my girls.  I sit with them and read to them and play with them and talk with them. I dream with my daughter, with bittersweet excitement, of her first day of Kindergarten as we laugh and talk about how much fun it will be.  I appreciate the milestone accomplishments of my younger daughter that I somehow missed with my older.

I am not DOING anything but trying to BE more.  I owe a lot.  I owe so very much to my girls.  I will be with them 100% for the student careers.  I have a lot of debt to pay off.

I do not whine - kids whine.

I've had the privilege - I do actually mean "privilege"- of experiencing two extraordinarily different processes to obtaining a doctorate: the juris doctorate ("JD") and the doctorate of philosophy ("PhD").  I started my pursuit of the JD in 2004; the PhD in 2006.  I finished my JD, as a full-time employee/part-time student, in 2008 and passed the Bar Exam during the same year.  After coursework, a comprehensive exam and a field exam, I started my proposal work for my PhD in 2009, defended my proposal in 2012... and, well, await the defense process for the dissertation.

In discussion with the few folks who have the ability to explain the difference between two, I've been told that the JD is a sprint while the PhD is a marathon.  This analogy is, for the most part, true of the JD - everything is scripted for you - take this number of credits, focus on these classes, graduate, etc. - and then from Memorial Day of one year to the end of July of the same year, you put aside everything for which you have any concern and you LIVE and BREATHE the law.  You study as if you have no other care in the world, and it is best if you truly don't.  If you're lucky, and I do mean that since plenty of brilliant people I know did not pass the Bar Exam the first time, you pass the Exam and can go back to the people you love to take on what may be a new career path. And for the most part, that was the JD process for me. I could not drop everything since I was working full time, but with no children at the time, and little else on my plate, that was my focus.

The PhD, for me however, has NOT been a marathon.  Paralleling my academic path, as some of you may know is this: in 2006 I moved from Maryland to Pennsylvania (creating a long commute); in 2007 I got married; in 2008 I changed jobs; in 2010 I changed jobs, had my first daughter, and lost a very good friend of mine; in 2011 I lost my grandfather, in 2012 I had my second daughter; in 2013 I changed jobs and in 2014 I lost my grandmother (and any hope of defending the dissertation).

I would like to point out, before you read any further, that my path is not unlike any other person getting their PhD who is mid-career.  Yes, many people do not have a JD under their belt already, but for most of the people who I meet who are trying to complete their PhD - for those at higher education institutions where the PhD is something to work for rather than spoon-fed - the process has been long and the years of life changes have been huge stumbling blocks.

Given these stumbling blocks, I've decided the PhD is NOT a marathon... it is a Tough Mudder: filled with obstacles.  The Tough Mudder is a 10-12 mile obstacle course designed to test all-around strength, stamina, teamwork and mental grit.  I should point out that I've done four Tough Mudders and zero marathons (I had a marathon planned for June 2015, but due to dissertation-extension, it's been taken off my calendar).  Any conjecture I make as to how the Tough Mudder is harder than a marathon is merely conjecture. So yes, I imagine that a marathon is hard because it is long and requires all of the qualities listed for the Tough Mudder.

Here's the thing: a marathon is 26.2 miles; sit in traffic on any one highway for long enough and you'll be reminded through someone's bumper sticker.  I would imagine, that as you run a marathon there is some idea - if not through a runner's app such a MapMyRun - of where you are on the course and how long you have left until you reach 26.2 miles.  Conversely, notice how the description of the Tough Mudder says, "a 10-12 mile obstacle course..."  So you don't know when you start, nor while you are completing it, for how long you'll be on this obstacle course.  Now, I suppose for someone seasoned to run 26.2 miles, a measly 10 OR 12 miles is nothing.  But for me, who completed her first Tough Mudder when 3 miles was a big deal, 10 miles seemed like forever and 12 miles seemed impossible.

And that mental grit mentioned is exactly what I did NOT have.  My first Tough Mudder was really awful.  Probably - I guess - at about the six-mile marker I just wanted it to be done and rather than DO the obstacles and be in the moment, I spent the entire rest of the course wishing for it to be over... So, the obstacles vary - leaping over fire, carrying logs on your shoulder while ascending a steep ski slope, jumping off high planks, running through live wire, 3-mile trail runs, etc. etc.  That very first Tough Mudder I took was hard for me because I had NO IDEA WHEN IT WOULD END.  I had no idea if I was three miles through, seven miles through or around the corner from the finish line.

So this, folks, is why a dissertation is like a Tough Mudder. I have no damned idea when it will be over. I was told that upon giving it to my Chair, and upon his approval to send it to my Committee, and upon my readers' approval that I would defend, edit, submit graduation paperwork and be on my merry way, across the stage and into PhD-dom.   Ever since I gave that 400-page document to my Chair - June 2014 - I have had no control over the process and not a clue when it will end.  My Chair took two months just to get me substantive feedback, which was mostly positive, and then took his time giving me permission to send to my Committee "at my own risk."  From there, it seems there have been some academic disputes over the scope, direction and focus of my work that my readers and Chair continue to discuss.  I wait. I get feedback, apply, and wait again.

In the end I hope that this is a 12-mile Tough Mudder course and that I'm at mile ten.  The title of this blog, "I do not whine - kids whine," is one of the elements of the pledge we're required to state prior to the race (after having honored wounded warriors).  The other four are: I understand that Tough Mudder is not a race, but a challenge; I put teamwork and comaraderie before my course time; I help my fellow mudders complete the course; I overcome all fears.

And it's true: I've embraced these five pledge elements in my life as a part of this dissertation: I have learned that this is NOT a race but a very difficult learning, academic process.  I have learned much from this, about my life, my priorities and who I am. While I would like to finish soon I have to keep my family going and learn to balance my priorities to keep everyone happy (and sane).  I have met great people who I have helped and who have helped me, as we all try and finish this process some day soon.  And I have overcome fears. I have confronted failure; I have confronted giving up; but more importantly, I have learned that I have to confront those who disagree with me on something VERY personal to me (not a case I've read that affects a client). I have had to defend my personal work that encompasses five years of blood, sweat, tears and sacrifice.

I should point out that my second Tough Mudder was AWESOME! I knew not to expect an end, I had trained to run 13 miles so that 12 miles wouldn't seem so bad, and I embraced each obstacle course. I LOVED it!!

At the end of the Tough Mudder you get a free beer, along with a sweatband and a lot of muddy clothes.  After this first Tough Mudder I also got bad shin splints which required a boot for six months.  At the end of this dissertation, I'll have the label of "doctor" and a lot of student loans to start paying off.  What I take away from both of these experiences are more than physical and it is for this reason I'm not going to rush the label of "doctor" any more.  I'll take it one day at a time knowing that there is no other way to deal with an experience that has no definite end.

Getting Even

So here it is.  August.

There are few ways I imagined this month of August 2014.
1. In a huge stroke of luck I would have already defended my dissertation and would be making my edits this month.
2. I would have sent my dissertation edits to my committee and would be awaiting the responses from my committee members, preparing to defend any day.
3. I would have my edits back from my Chair and would be preparing to send the draft to my committee.
4. Etc., etc., etc.

Here is what is actually happening.  My Chair's life is just a little bit overwhelming for him right now (not to sound dramatic but it is unfair for me to air his personal life in cyberspace so I'll just leave it at that) and he cannot meet my preferred deadlines.

Yes. I'm paying tuition for another semester in which I'll receive little if any instruction.

But it's time to get even.  I await his edits but there is so much more in my life that matters.  And all along there has been so much more in my life that has mattered but I've been unable to really overcome the speed bump of a dissertation that's been in my way.  I think my self-pity for getting in over my head caused me to wallow.  It is great to encounter so many people who have read about my diss-journey via Facebook.  At least once a day someone asks me how it is going.  And frankly, a part of me is embarrassed that I needed the pressure of setting public deadlines in order to get my butt in gear.  But it is what it is.

And it's time to get even.

No.   I'm no angry.  I'm not settling the score with anyone.  It's time to even out my life that has been so damned weighed down with one single topic.  It's time to BE with family.  It's time to WORK at work.  It's time to FOCUS on those things that matter.  And there is so much that matters.

If July is a sign of how much I can catch up on the things that need to be done in my house, it's a good sign.  It's a very odd thing to have "free" time but it isn't free.  There is so much to do.  So many people to payback and BE with and KNOW.  There are two little ones who have waited so long for Saturdays with me - and they have been WONDERFUL Saturdays.  There are trips to see my nephew awaiting me.  There is a basement to be cleaned and a house to be renovated and bills to be filed and memories to be documented.  That is what 2014 is about for me.  Getting even.  Finding balance.  Living.  Being.

And yes.  Waiting.  It'll come - that day when I get edits, make edits, send off my diss.  It's not yet.  But I'm okay with that too.

Tunnel Vision

I have not forgotten about this writing platform.  It crosses my mind but most often I think, "I have so little time and so many other things about which to write, let's put that on hold."  And then, something irksome just hits me, sticks with me, and won't let me go.  So I write.

For eleven months I have put most of my life aside so I can get out of the way something I wish I had never let it - that is no secret.  My jealous mistress - the diss. - waits in the wings, breathes down my neck, and reminds me incessantly that "she" is my priority.  And she has to be - or else I don't think I could handle what is required of me to actually complete this ginormous undertaking.  So while I have a huge desire to support my marriage, raise my children, further my career, visit my family and contribute my time and talents to my community, I am locked into an academic vortex.  Tunnel vision.

Another part of this lifestyle is acting completely apathetic to the cares and concerns around me.  It is not intentional but I cannot attend every birthday party, every jewelry party, every gym class or every fundraiser.  THIS part of the equation is not new to me - I have been in graduate school for ten years (law school) and have gotten well-versed in this exchange.

In order to keep this tunnel vision I am blessed: I live so far away from a huge portion of my family that I can, quite literally, avoid all family stressors.  But then again, I am cursed: I live so far away from a huge portion of my family that I cannot, quite literally, be involved.

I don't know what is hardest to learn: my grandmother is confused about a huge life change over which she has no control; or my mother is distraught over a huge life change over which she has control but knows what's best.  I don't know what is hardest to accept: I cannot drive over to my grandmother and play cards with her and give her a hug; or I can't have coffee with my mother to let her talk out her frustrations and give her a hug.  I don't know what is hardest to realize: I can't offer any help to any single one of my family members. at. all; or that I must continue to focus solely on myself in order to get myself out of this mess and move on with my life.

My mother has always been my rock.  She is my rock because she is strong, solid, smart and spiritual.  I have no delusions of her weaknesses - I can't say I know them all but I know they are there. What I wish is that I didn't have to have tunnel vision.  What I wish is that I could be someone on which she could rely.  What I wish is that her sentiments weren't so on point. (http://lampandlighthouse.blogspot.com/2014/04/an-issue-of-heart.html?spref=fb)  What I wish is that life weren't so messy.  I wish for her what I wish for my children - that I can get out of this and give 100% more to everyone.